I had a very interesting weekend. Not so much my actions and decisions but how I'm now affected by them, especially compared to how it affected me a year ago.
I have been really happy lately. Ok well I don't if that is completely true, obviously if I feel the way I do now I couldn't have been perfectly happy. But I have been very content with my life as a single mom. Not that I haven't ever thought about changing that, but I've been ok on my own.
I went out this weekend for the first time in 6 months, I had a good time, saw some friends I haven't seen in a long time. But the thing is, it wasn't me, it was the other me. The one that parties, that's carefree, that does what she wants and doesn't care. The one that can't get hurt.
I do get hurt, and I hate it when I have no one to blame but, well, Me. I put myself in bad moods, I open up doors to things that just cause pain. Why? Why would I want to do that? Runs in the family I guess, my dad always seemed to be on self-destruct mode. Things would be great and he would do something to make it fail, sometimes it was just a negative mood or thought that could do it.
So anyway, it has been a year since my first relationship after the divorce. It seems crazy to think it went by that fast. So one year and two relationships later. Relationships not founded on the right reasons. I don't want to repeat that. I have already said that I'm on hiatus from dating anyway. But the year mark made me really think about it again. Not out of yearning, but out of contemplation of the past decisions, and how to go about it differently. I think it's a good idea to have the next eleven months to figure that out!
I was talking with a friend the other day. And I really understood something about myself. Where they have put their standards so high as to not have to look at all, "what's the point?" I have my standards so high I don't figure anyone can meet them so I settle for something less, usually way less than what I really want. Which brings up another point. If they are YOUR standards, how can they be "too" high? They should be high, this is your life, your decision to share it with someone else, you should be able to get what you want, and exactly that. And if that right person comes along and meets 9/10 standards, well I think at that point your heart can tell you if it's worth the consideration to accept that difference. If not, then, no, keep looking.
So I got my standards, and they are pretty high. But no more of this stupid drunk stuff, I am so much better than that! I am a great person, and I deserve the same.
Even as I say that, anyone that knows me, I knock myself down more than anyone else has a chance too. Not that they would, but it's almost like I have to insult myself so no one else gets an opportunity. I always do it as a joke, make it seem like I really don't mean that, but to say it, I must mean it a little.
My newest goal? No more bars. Just not going to do it. I can drink with friends, but real friends. Not bar friends. (There are some people I would be friends with at the bar, but I think it's healthier for me to work on those genuine friendships more than go to bar just to see them!) Besides, that just becomes an excuse to go out. And I don't need that!
I want some real, true friends. I have a couple. But very few people I would trust with my inner person. Everyone else gets the 'social, public, goes along with anything, can't say no to anyone, can't be mean to anyone, I don't care what we do, as long as it makes you happy' Rochelle. There are a couple people that know the real me, that care to know the real me. The rest I usually lock out, keep it secret, because to let them in, well that allows them to have access to the part of me that I let hurt. And I don't like to do that!
So Goals for this next quarter - yes I'm working in quarters now.
1. No more bars, (easy..Done!)
2. Make real friends (MALE AND FEMALE!) I'm getting sick of hearing that I can't have guy FRIENDS without it being something more, or them being Gay. Really people, we are adults, lets act that way!
3. Quit smoking.
4. Exercise more! I'm not in bad shape, but I could be in a lot better!
Bars, Smoking, Exercise - all revolve around will power. #2 takes effort, time, and REALness, if that makes any sense. Anyway, that's what I 'm doing. So if I'm a little more attentive to you in the next couple months, it's because I want to be your friend, not your whatever...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Instant Gratification (Politically Minded) You've been warned...
I was thinking about internet dependency, still, and I realized that this generation is one that expects everything instantly. And it doesn't just revolve around what products we want to order online, or getting a response via text. We think that way for everything now.
20 years ago we would never expect a president to come into the situation our nation is in and expect INSTANT results - and in a 4-8 year term, 2 years is still pretty instant if you are expecting miracles. Even when we had Clinton, it wasn't instant, but looking back he was a pretty amazing president and did a lot for us.
I guess it's just frustrating to see how impatient we are as a people. I try to be patient, I really do. But it's hard when I know I can get what I want immediately if I use the right sources. Which makes those other things even harder to wait for!
I won't lie, I'm disappointed with the majority of the election results. I am a democrat, I was raised that way, my mom was raised that way. I don't try to change others minds, but I don't mind a well educated debate on topics every once in awhile.
An uneducated one however, is not something I willingly engage in. I get so frustrated with people who talk about issues like they know something, and THEY DON'T. They can't offer a single FACT to support their beliefs, their beliefs that are tweaked a little from their neighbor who got their ideas from their neighbor, and maybe about twenty people back there was some truth and understanding in why someone feels the way they do about the current political state. But the person I always end up talking to is just saying what they heard, and adapted to themselves with absolutely no knowledge of the facts.
I am not going to say that I think Obama is the best president we have ever had, I am not going to say I agree with all of this policies. I do think we have not given him a chance to change anything, and blocked any attempt he has made to help the nation. I respect him a great deal for the job he took on, and I think of him as an incredibly smart, respectable man. There, that's how I feel, without getting into the nitty-gritty.
What does frustrate me is the lack of respect we have, as a nation, for our President. I think I've said this before, but I remember how if ANYONE said anything negative about PERFECT President Bush you were unpatriotic and not supporting our LEADER. The one that the nation's majority voted into office. I took that and learned from it. I really did, I quit saying how much I hated him and his policies and his war games. I respected that this is who we have, and trusted him to not screw us up too bad. See where that got us?? And now we have a new president, the one that the nation's majority voted into office and so many people that told me to respect the old disrespect and speak hate for the new. How two-faced and hypocritical, shame on you that have done this! Even if you dislike the president and did not vote for him, he is still our president, our leader, the chosen one for our nation for at least four years. If you have problems with his policies, get political and do something about, quit bitching about something you have no intention of doing anything about...in other words, whining doesn't get anyone anywhere. Action does.
Another heated debate that I am most positive most people will not agree with me on is Immigration. I got into this a little bit last night. I am not saying that things don't need to change, and that better policies don't need to be put in place. But I do think that we "Americans" are pretty damn high and mighty to say no one else can be an American now. My Great Grandmother was an 'illegal immigrant' and the thoughts back then were not very kind towards the Irish. Irish were hated by many in these FINE states, they stole jobs and had large families. What is the difference now guys? You realize that Mexico used to OWN California right? That we took it from them? So whose land is it anyway? I don't think fencing our country in and closing people out is going to help anyone. People say it's the jobs that hurt us. That the Mexican immigrants are taking away all our jobs. Which to me, is crap. There were orchards that went unpicked because no one would go work for an orchard, while how many hundreds of people sat on unemployment because they were too good to pick apples for a living? Without immigrants no self-respecting 'white' person is going to do that crap work. And if the apples don't get picked, they don't get sold, and if they don't get sold the orchard goes out of business, and everyone loses their job. How does that help the economy?
Ok so I've ranted quite a bit, and strayed really long way from instant gratification. Sorry.
Anyway I guess what I really wanted to make a point of is, that nothing good comes easily or quickly. Give this president a chance, if that is even possible with the House the way it is now. Have some patience and if you are really unhappy with something, do something about it. Don't sit there and whine about it. Write someone, or something, get educated on the matter, then you can actually sit down and talk about it!
Much love to you all!
20 years ago we would never expect a president to come into the situation our nation is in and expect INSTANT results - and in a 4-8 year term, 2 years is still pretty instant if you are expecting miracles. Even when we had Clinton, it wasn't instant, but looking back he was a pretty amazing president and did a lot for us.
I guess it's just frustrating to see how impatient we are as a people. I try to be patient, I really do. But it's hard when I know I can get what I want immediately if I use the right sources. Which makes those other things even harder to wait for!
I won't lie, I'm disappointed with the majority of the election results. I am a democrat, I was raised that way, my mom was raised that way. I don't try to change others minds, but I don't mind a well educated debate on topics every once in awhile.
An uneducated one however, is not something I willingly engage in. I get so frustrated with people who talk about issues like they know something, and THEY DON'T. They can't offer a single FACT to support their beliefs, their beliefs that are tweaked a little from their neighbor who got their ideas from their neighbor, and maybe about twenty people back there was some truth and understanding in why someone feels the way they do about the current political state. But the person I always end up talking to is just saying what they heard, and adapted to themselves with absolutely no knowledge of the facts.
I am not going to say that I think Obama is the best president we have ever had, I am not going to say I agree with all of this policies. I do think we have not given him a chance to change anything, and blocked any attempt he has made to help the nation. I respect him a great deal for the job he took on, and I think of him as an incredibly smart, respectable man. There, that's how I feel, without getting into the nitty-gritty.
What does frustrate me is the lack of respect we have, as a nation, for our President. I think I've said this before, but I remember how if ANYONE said anything negative about PERFECT President Bush you were unpatriotic and not supporting our LEADER. The one that the nation's majority voted into office. I took that and learned from it. I really did, I quit saying how much I hated him and his policies and his war games. I respected that this is who we have, and trusted him to not screw us up too bad. See where that got us?? And now we have a new president, the one that the nation's majority voted into office and so many people that told me to respect the old disrespect and speak hate for the new. How two-faced and hypocritical, shame on you that have done this! Even if you dislike the president and did not vote for him, he is still our president, our leader, the chosen one for our nation for at least four years. If you have problems with his policies, get political and do something about, quit bitching about something you have no intention of doing anything about...in other words, whining doesn't get anyone anywhere. Action does.
Another heated debate that I am most positive most people will not agree with me on is Immigration. I got into this a little bit last night. I am not saying that things don't need to change, and that better policies don't need to be put in place. But I do think that we "Americans" are pretty damn high and mighty to say no one else can be an American now. My Great Grandmother was an 'illegal immigrant' and the thoughts back then were not very kind towards the Irish. Irish were hated by many in these FINE states, they stole jobs and had large families. What is the difference now guys? You realize that Mexico used to OWN California right? That we took it from them? So whose land is it anyway? I don't think fencing our country in and closing people out is going to help anyone. People say it's the jobs that hurt us. That the Mexican immigrants are taking away all our jobs. Which to me, is crap. There were orchards that went unpicked because no one would go work for an orchard, while how many hundreds of people sat on unemployment because they were too good to pick apples for a living? Without immigrants no self-respecting 'white' person is going to do that crap work. And if the apples don't get picked, they don't get sold, and if they don't get sold the orchard goes out of business, and everyone loses their job. How does that help the economy?
Ok so I've ranted quite a bit, and strayed really long way from instant gratification. Sorry.
Anyway I guess what I really wanted to make a point of is, that nothing good comes easily or quickly. Give this president a chance, if that is even possible with the House the way it is now. Have some patience and if you are really unhappy with something, do something about it. Don't sit there and whine about it. Write someone, or something, get educated on the matter, then you can actually sit down and talk about it!
Much love to you all!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Internet Addictions...
Ok so first of all, I have to admit I'm taking this spin completely from a friend who has been writing about it for awhile now. I totally understand where she is coming from. And well I feel bad that I haven't written a letter to prove I'm her friend. (Not that she is asking this)
What I have learned, about myself, since reading her experience of giving up the internet for 10 days, is kind of refreshing. Am I dependant on the internet? Most definitely. Would I go crazy if I didn't have it ever day? Yes I would, in fact, if the cable internet isn't working when I want to drink my coffee and check my friends on FaceBook, I get kind of cranky. However...the friends that I really consider FRIENDS I still talk to on a regular basis in real life. And I find it completely interesting and amazing that there are so many more people I'm able to connect with online.
Is it easy? Of course! Real relationships take time and effort, and cell phone minutes! My closest friends I would STILL go a week or more without talking to if I didn't have the internet. I'm busy, they are busy, kids are busy. And I don't have all day to talk on the phone to catch up with everyone. Should I make more time? Sure. But see, I might check in every once in awhile online, but I don't play my games anymore, and I don't let the internet be a priority. I feel rude to my kids if I spend all day on the phone, and they notice, as soon as I pick up the phone they are in my face. But I also feel the same way about the computer. And they do notice that too! If I'm on here for any extended amount of time, they become increasingly needy. Sometimes I find myself getting annoyed at them, then I realize, all they want is Mom's attention - and not to share it with a monitor. So we turn off the computer for most of the day. When I'm bored and they are occupied I might get on for a minute, but otherwise, my real addictions wait till after bedtime.
My addiction? Not really the INTERNET, but a game in specific. Which is the real reason I don't play the FaceBook games, who has time for those when I have gear to earn and honor points to obtain? There are dragons people, DRAGONS needing me to slay them with my 5 man team of warriors. (and the forts we make from their corpses are pretty cool too) We have to fight the Horde for the good of the Alliance and dance in there bank while they try to kill us, sometimes I just like to chill out in skeleton costume and dance the undead metal dance. See??? This is my addiction, World of Warcraft. And in the past it has gotten bad, where I spent hours all day, putting off chores and putting off kids, turning on movies and getting irritated at my distractions of daily life. But I don't anymore. I only play when the kids are in bed or on weekends when I don't have REAL LIFE to attend to. It is not a priority, per se, but it is my entertainment. I don't really watch movies, or much TV, I read books occasionally. But after 7:30, when my kids are sleeping soundly, I'm bored. So, judge me if you will, but it's what I enjoy.
What I have learned, about myself, since reading her experience of giving up the internet for 10 days, is kind of refreshing. Am I dependant on the internet? Most definitely. Would I go crazy if I didn't have it ever day? Yes I would, in fact, if the cable internet isn't working when I want to drink my coffee and check my friends on FaceBook, I get kind of cranky. However...the friends that I really consider FRIENDS I still talk to on a regular basis in real life. And I find it completely interesting and amazing that there are so many more people I'm able to connect with online.
My addiction? Not really the INTERNET, but a game in specific. Which is the real reason I don't play the FaceBook games, who has time for those when I have gear to earn and honor points to obtain? There are dragons people, DRAGONS needing me to slay them with my 5 man team of warriors. (and the forts we make from their corpses are pretty cool too) We have to fight the Horde for the good of the Alliance and dance in there bank while they try to kill us, sometimes I just like to chill out in skeleton costume and dance the undead metal dance. See??? This is my addiction, World of Warcraft. And in the past it has gotten bad, where I spent hours all day, putting off chores and putting off kids, turning on movies and getting irritated at my distractions of daily life. But I don't anymore. I only play when the kids are in bed or on weekends when I don't have REAL LIFE to attend to. It is not a priority, per se, but it is my entertainment. I don't really watch movies, or much TV, I read books occasionally. But after 7:30, when my kids are sleeping soundly, I'm bored. So, judge me if you will, but it's what I enjoy.
And now, you all have permission to forever call me a geek. But whatev's I don't care about your stinkin labels! I'm a geek and I'm proud!!!
Like anything, it can be taken too far. The internet has made a lot of us dependant. It has made a lot of us "lazy" friends. But like I said, there are a lot of people I keep in touch with now, that I would never be able to without it, so it's all in moderation. Enjoy it if you can, but know your limit - kind of like drinking huh? And addiction is just that, no matter it's disguise!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
The Politics of Bullies
Normally I try to stay out of politics, especially in my blogs, but this was something I couldn't ignore, and has been heavy on my heart since the first incident was publicized. All I can think about is that could be my child, or my child's friend. Dealing with a tragedy like this effects all of us...please don't forget that as you read this.
 |
| April, bullied for her weight |
With all these horrible incidents of suicide, related to bullying, coming up in the media. Incidents that have been happening for awhile, it's hard to watch all the politics involved. I get so frustrated listening to the left and right sides of the story.
Bottom line, our kids need protected, and if we can put a better policy into effect to help our teaching staff do so, then we should all be for it 110%
After listening to Anderson Cooper's Interview with Candi Cushman, I am even more upset! Focus on the Family is a great organization, I get it, but it's so idealistic vs. realistic. No, I don't think we should be teaching kindergartners the in's and out's of being a homosexual family. But in the same breath I don't want sexual education teaching all the in's and out's of heterosexuality! But I do think by learning tolerance at a young age it helps us keep an open mind as we grow up.
 |
| Phoebe, bullied for accused sexual activity and race |
Think about racial issues of the past. Most people our age have no issue interacting with people of other races. People a generation ago, raised with and taught racial biased, have a much harder time adjusting. It's the same thing. You don't have to agree with homosexuality to be a respectful person. It's not your problem is it? A man marrying a man today is not so much different than an African American marrying a Caucasian 20 years ago. It's not your life, leave it alone.
It makes me sad to see all these young lives cut short. Wasn't it hard enough being in junior high without all this crap? And who knows if all these kids that took their own lives were actually homosexual? How many times have you heard, or even said, "Quit being gay," knowing fully that the person you were talking to was straight? How many of these boys were just late bloomers, had that young, feminine look? And were not strong enough to handle the pressures and stigma of being accused of a lifestyle that is still too taboo to deal with in public?
Saying , "Bullying is Bad," isn't working, we need to change that. There are so many ways kids are picked on, have been picked on, bullies have been around since public school started. Yes we should encourage all bullying to stop, but if studies prove that by naming the problem it helps, then by all means, NAME IT! Overweight kids, short kids, tall kids, homosexual kids. ALL OF THEM NEED PROTECTION. I know that when the sexual harassment laws were passed for work, having a name, something to talk about, helped the victims, and shut up the offenders. If you know for a fact that you are not supposed to do something, specifically, you are less likely to offend. If you know that you aren't supposed to tell explicit nasty jokes in the work place, you will probably think twice about the company you are with before you do it, correct? So kids, who do like rules, will probably think about their wording more if they aren't allowed to say "gay" and "faggot." And the kids being called such names will have a defense when they go to a teacher, counselor or parent.
 |
| Jared, bullied for his size. |
I wish we could just go back to the Declaration of Independence, remember those words?
"We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
In closing, before you judge ANYONE, or any policy, think about how this declaration applies to you, and how you would feel if any of your unalienable Rights, were taken away.
* Pictures featured in this blog are of kids who took their own lives because of depression and bullying. Please note that it is far more reaching than just sexual orientation.
Anderson Cooper's Interview on CNN
Sarah Silverman's Message to America on what we teach our kids.
***Public school is not your only option, if you greatly disagree to the new anti-bullying and the teaching of tolerance to all individuals and lifestyles, there are numerous Christian schools, and of course, Home School.***
Monday, September 27, 2010
Love Is a Finicky Thing...
...to a lot of people anyway. Ok so I know I just decided to take a break from dating, and this is NOT about me deciding to stray from that plan. I'm very happy now that I made my decision, and the decision to stick with it!
However, I get to sit back and watch people make the same mistakes over and over again. And yet every time they start, they think it's the best thing in the world. I guess that's the great thing about "love" or lust I think is more appropriate at that stage. So for a week it will be posts about how wonderful and amazing life is, and then in a month it will be crap.
I've always been someone who takes some time, usually a lot of time, to say those three little words. Maybe this is because I've been on the receiving end - too early - too many times. And it makes me uncomfortable. There are few people that I say "I love you" to. And to those people, I say it often, because I really do love them! I have to admit that the last relationship, I said it early, way early, and I should have known better, I hadn't even gotten to know this person and here I was saying those committing words. That right there should be a warning - if by saying those words I feel committed, and worried about it, then I definitely shouldn't be saying it!
The other side of the story is - Those who fall in and out of love so easily, tend to base their whole world on the status of their numerous relationships. Every time I have decided to be single I have been happy, with myself. And I think this is HUGE for anyone! How can you love another if you can't stand to be alone with yourself?
I'm sure I sound all high and mighty about relationships, and some might take this as my jealousy towards those in happy unions. But that's not it at all. I just see what I have been doing, but through others actions and it makes me more confident that this is the best decision for me right now.
I wish I could tell some of these people these things without getting criticism or defense, but I can't, so I will empty my thoughts here. I guess it's the hardest for me to see friends jump from one relationship, directly to another without a minute to breathe. I did this, and I at least had a couple months in between - still I feel like I just JUMPED and rebounded, over and over again. And there is a couple of friends with kids in the mix. I still feel horrible for the two people I got my kids close to. I feel so guilty for doing that too them. Divorce was hard enough but letting more people into their lives for me to just decide that it wasn't right? Wrong Mom! You should have figured it out BEFORE your kids got used to seeing these people on a daily basis!
And I know that I didn't feel this guilt until the relationships were over, or almost over, and I realized what I did again. And I know that these people don't see it now, but it's happening. Those little hearts are getting attached to the one you are with, and when you break up, they will have no concept of why or how. And you are going to be left explaining why that person isn't around, and won't be around anymore. I know, because I answer these questions often.
I'm happy that right now I am in control of my happiness and my destination - and I know that no matter what I will remain in control. As long as I stay with this ideal, I will remain strong, and healthy, relationship or not. I will not be brought down because someone is in a bad mood. I will determine how I feel, based on HOW I FEEL, not someone else!
I wish I could spread that to more people - by example I guess. Maybe we are all separate halves of a whole - looking to be complete. But I want my half to be as whole and stable as possible before I attach it to someone else!
However, I get to sit back and watch people make the same mistakes over and over again. And yet every time they start, they think it's the best thing in the world. I guess that's the great thing about "love" or lust I think is more appropriate at that stage. So for a week it will be posts about how wonderful and amazing life is, and then in a month it will be crap.
I've always been someone who takes some time, usually a lot of time, to say those three little words. Maybe this is because I've been on the receiving end - too early - too many times. And it makes me uncomfortable. There are few people that I say "I love you" to. And to those people, I say it often, because I really do love them! I have to admit that the last relationship, I said it early, way early, and I should have known better, I hadn't even gotten to know this person and here I was saying those committing words. That right there should be a warning - if by saying those words I feel committed, and worried about it, then I definitely shouldn't be saying it!
The other side of the story is - Those who fall in and out of love so easily, tend to base their whole world on the status of their numerous relationships. Every time I have decided to be single I have been happy, with myself. And I think this is HUGE for anyone! How can you love another if you can't stand to be alone with yourself?
I'm sure I sound all high and mighty about relationships, and some might take this as my jealousy towards those in happy unions. But that's not it at all. I just see what I have been doing, but through others actions and it makes me more confident that this is the best decision for me right now.
I wish I could tell some of these people these things without getting criticism or defense, but I can't, so I will empty my thoughts here. I guess it's the hardest for me to see friends jump from one relationship, directly to another without a minute to breathe. I did this, and I at least had a couple months in between - still I feel like I just JUMPED and rebounded, over and over again. And there is a couple of friends with kids in the mix. I still feel horrible for the two people I got my kids close to. I feel so guilty for doing that too them. Divorce was hard enough but letting more people into their lives for me to just decide that it wasn't right? Wrong Mom! You should have figured it out BEFORE your kids got used to seeing these people on a daily basis!
And I know that I didn't feel this guilt until the relationships were over, or almost over, and I realized what I did again. And I know that these people don't see it now, but it's happening. Those little hearts are getting attached to the one you are with, and when you break up, they will have no concept of why or how. And you are going to be left explaining why that person isn't around, and won't be around anymore. I know, because I answer these questions often.
I'm happy that right now I am in control of my happiness and my destination - and I know that no matter what I will remain in control. As long as I stay with this ideal, I will remain strong, and healthy, relationship or not. I will not be brought down because someone is in a bad mood. I will determine how I feel, based on HOW I FEEL, not someone else!
I wish I could spread that to more people - by example I guess. Maybe we are all separate halves of a whole - looking to be complete. But I want my half to be as whole and stable as possible before I attach it to someone else!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Winter Blues Already?
Or am I just contemplating my situation? Probably more of the latter. All I know is I really wish I could see the future and know that all of this is somehow going to be just fine, and just what I needed.
Lately I've even been going all the way back, like 18 months, seems like longer I swear! And thinking about my divorce and decision to separate. What could I have done different? What could have changed to make everything perfect now? I'm not going to answer those questions, because, frankly, it doesn't matter. I can't turn back the clock and re-do anything.
Maybe things could have been fixed, even during the separation, but it takes both parties and well, there wasn't much motivation or trying on either end. I was convinced this was best for me, and I have to remember that. I spent many days, weeks, months before I made that choice, and when I did I was very sure that the overall happiness, healthiness, and well being, of myself and my children was dependent on that. And he was remarried less than a year after separation and less than 3 weeks after the actual divorce, so yeah.
I guess it's just that I'm stuck in that awkward dilemma of doubting myself. And doing it a year later doesn't help anything at all. If I would have done things differently with Tim I may not have been in this extra difficult situation. May not? Ok we all know it wouldn't have happened, or maybe it would? Maybe this baby is meant to be? I guess I have to think that it is, because otherwise I might get drug down in the muck of doubt and insecurity, and I really don't want to be there.
The facts are, no matter what decision I made there was another party that could have made a difference. That could have changed the way things are right now. I take a lot of blame for both. And unfortunately, at this point, I'm having a hard time placing any blame on the other two. This is not healthy and only going to make the long winter seasons harder if I don't get over it.
I know, at least with the divorce decision, most of it comes from having to deal with, what most split parents deal with. Kids maturing, asking questions and putting words to what happened. I haven't "hid" anything from my kids. Obviously I haven't told them anything that is above their understanding. But Tattem is starting to talk, and she's starting to call her step-mom Mama. It was hard to get a picture from her class today that labeled me as Mama: Rochelle, and even harder to see the note on the back that read "didn't draw Daddy because Mommy broke up with him". She has told me before that "it's ok to call Stephanie 'mama', and I don't really know what to say to it. She has two stepsisters saying 'Mom' and it's a natural word for her to use. I don't get mad at her, and I don't tell her I'm sad. I just mention that Stephanie is her Step Mother and I will always be her real mother. Sometimes I'm able to look at the positive, and think that she is lucky to have two moms, and I say this much to her almost every time. But right now, I'm just, well sad.
It didn't help that after dropping Tate off at her class we saw a little boy that is in her class, as well as her Church class, and he asked me "Why did you break up with that guy?" I guess it's hard to hear it put so much as what I did. It wasn't just me. I didn't just "break up" with their father. He had a big hand in the decision I made, and he knows this, right? And if he doesn't, I would assume he was over it, since he's remarried and all.
I don't know what else to do but write right now. It helps, and I'm going to reach out to my doctor, I know I'm in a position for depression, with the pregnancy hormones and all, so I'm going to be cautious.
I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed emotionally, and physically. Not to mention the daunting task of having another kid, while the father is wherever he is. Not feeling so smart at the moment.
This isn't for pity, if anything it's for me to read and tell myself to 'buck up,' 'get over it and do something about it'. But it really does help. Thanks for listening.
Lately I've even been going all the way back, like 18 months, seems like longer I swear! And thinking about my divorce and decision to separate. What could I have done different? What could have changed to make everything perfect now? I'm not going to answer those questions, because, frankly, it doesn't matter. I can't turn back the clock and re-do anything.
Maybe things could have been fixed, even during the separation, but it takes both parties and well, there wasn't much motivation or trying on either end. I was convinced this was best for me, and I have to remember that. I spent many days, weeks, months before I made that choice, and when I did I was very sure that the overall happiness, healthiness, and well being, of myself and my children was dependent on that. And he was remarried less than a year after separation and less than 3 weeks after the actual divorce, so yeah.
I guess it's just that I'm stuck in that awkward dilemma of doubting myself. And doing it a year later doesn't help anything at all. If I would have done things differently with Tim I may not have been in this extra difficult situation. May not? Ok we all know it wouldn't have happened, or maybe it would? Maybe this baby is meant to be? I guess I have to think that it is, because otherwise I might get drug down in the muck of doubt and insecurity, and I really don't want to be there.
The facts are, no matter what decision I made there was another party that could have made a difference. That could have changed the way things are right now. I take a lot of blame for both. And unfortunately, at this point, I'm having a hard time placing any blame on the other two. This is not healthy and only going to make the long winter seasons harder if I don't get over it.
I know, at least with the divorce decision, most of it comes from having to deal with, what most split parents deal with. Kids maturing, asking questions and putting words to what happened. I haven't "hid" anything from my kids. Obviously I haven't told them anything that is above their understanding. But Tattem is starting to talk, and she's starting to call her step-mom Mama. It was hard to get a picture from her class today that labeled me as Mama: Rochelle, and even harder to see the note on the back that read "didn't draw Daddy because Mommy broke up with him". She has told me before that "it's ok to call Stephanie 'mama', and I don't really know what to say to it. She has two stepsisters saying 'Mom' and it's a natural word for her to use. I don't get mad at her, and I don't tell her I'm sad. I just mention that Stephanie is her Step Mother and I will always be her real mother. Sometimes I'm able to look at the positive, and think that she is lucky to have two moms, and I say this much to her almost every time. But right now, I'm just, well sad.
It didn't help that after dropping Tate off at her class we saw a little boy that is in her class, as well as her Church class, and he asked me "Why did you break up with that guy?" I guess it's hard to hear it put so much as what I did. It wasn't just me. I didn't just "break up" with their father. He had a big hand in the decision I made, and he knows this, right? And if he doesn't, I would assume he was over it, since he's remarried and all.
I don't know what else to do but write right now. It helps, and I'm going to reach out to my doctor, I know I'm in a position for depression, with the pregnancy hormones and all, so I'm going to be cautious.
I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed emotionally, and physically. Not to mention the daunting task of having another kid, while the father is wherever he is. Not feeling so smart at the moment.
This isn't for pity, if anything it's for me to read and tell myself to 'buck up,' 'get over it and do something about it'. But it really does help. Thanks for listening.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Being Right, kind of sucks.
Most of you know my unique situation, and if you read the previous blog you know I owned up to my part of my condition - my part, being all of it. Anyway, the other half the situation and I are well, taking a break. At least that's what I thought.
Taking a break to me, well I had hoped he would try to convince me that he was either going to change, or that he loves me, like he says. Or make SOME effort to keep in touch. I mean I am carrying his child. But no, my predictions came true.
He went right back to where I thought he would, and doing what I suspect he's doing. Not more than one phone call to retrieve his things and ten minutes here while getting his things. I'm sad, but at the same time, it makes my decision a lot easier to stick too. With no fight, no guilt, no, well anything, I can't really argue with my actions at all. I guess it is for the better.
I just feel like I'm always the one breaking things off, and well, it still hurts, it's still not any fun. But it makes it worse when the other person rolls over and says "Okay" I guess it wasn't much to them either.
Here I am, sitting at my computer. More confident in my decision to stay single. Focusing on the important relationships in my lives and working on having healthier friendships, with healthier people.
My kids are a wonderful distraction, and watching them grow and mature, and prove me wrong, it's a joy and a blessing, and a challenge every day. It makes it so much more plausible to leave another extra person out of my life. I hardly have enough time in a week to do what I want to do.
I'm getting Tattem involved in some of my hobbies, as she is finally old enough to do so. Tonight we are going to learn how to use a sewing machine. Tristin is going to have full days with JUST MOM time and I'm so excited about that. We are going to bake cookies and play games and do all of these great activities I was given to do with him. It will be great for our relationship. And all this while Tattem embarks on a whole new phase of life, School...
It's crazy to think that 5 years have passed since I held her in my arms for the first time, and thinking about it now will get me all teary eyed. She is an amazing individual, beautiful inside and out. I'm excited to see how she turns out, and to be a part of it.
So even if I started in a negative tone, as much of my thoughts usually end with my kids, it is always a positive ending.
Taking a break to me, well I had hoped he would try to convince me that he was either going to change, or that he loves me, like he says. Or make SOME effort to keep in touch. I mean I am carrying his child. But no, my predictions came true.
He went right back to where I thought he would, and doing what I suspect he's doing. Not more than one phone call to retrieve his things and ten minutes here while getting his things. I'm sad, but at the same time, it makes my decision a lot easier to stick too. With no fight, no guilt, no, well anything, I can't really argue with my actions at all. I guess it is for the better.
I just feel like I'm always the one breaking things off, and well, it still hurts, it's still not any fun. But it makes it worse when the other person rolls over and says "Okay" I guess it wasn't much to them either.
Here I am, sitting at my computer. More confident in my decision to stay single. Focusing on the important relationships in my lives and working on having healthier friendships, with healthier people.
My kids are a wonderful distraction, and watching them grow and mature, and prove me wrong, it's a joy and a blessing, and a challenge every day. It makes it so much more plausible to leave another extra person out of my life. I hardly have enough time in a week to do what I want to do.
I'm getting Tattem involved in some of my hobbies, as she is finally old enough to do so. Tonight we are going to learn how to use a sewing machine. Tristin is going to have full days with JUST MOM time and I'm so excited about that. We are going to bake cookies and play games and do all of these great activities I was given to do with him. It will be great for our relationship. And all this while Tattem embarks on a whole new phase of life, School...
It's crazy to think that 5 years have passed since I held her in my arms for the first time, and thinking about it now will get me all teary eyed. She is an amazing individual, beautiful inside and out. I'm excited to see how she turns out, and to be a part of it.
So even if I started in a negative tone, as much of my thoughts usually end with my kids, it is always a positive ending.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
