Winter Blues Already?

Or am I just contemplating my situation? Probably more of the latter. All I know is I really wish I could see the future and know that all of this is somehow going to be just fine, and just what I needed.



Lately I've even been going all the way back, like 18 months, seems like longer I swear! And thinking about my divorce and decision to separate. What could I have done different? What could have changed to make everything perfect now? I'm not going to answer those questions, because, frankly, it doesn't matter. I can't turn back the clock and re-do anything.


Maybe things could have been fixed, even during the separation, but it takes both parties and well, there wasn't much motivation or trying on either end. I was convinced this was best for me, and I have to remember that. I spent many days, weeks, months before I made that choice, and when I did I was very sure that the overall happiness, healthiness, and well being, of myself and my children was dependent on that. And he was remarried less than a year after separation and less than 3 weeks after the actual divorce, so yeah.


I guess it's just that I'm stuck in that awkward dilemma of doubting myself. And doing it a year later doesn't help anything at all. If I would have done things differently with Tim I may not have been in this extra difficult situation. May not? Ok we all know it wouldn't have happened, or maybe it would? Maybe this baby is meant to be? I guess I have to think that it is, because otherwise I might get drug down in the muck of doubt and insecurity, and I really don't want to be there.


The facts are, no matter what decision I made there was another party that could have made a difference. That could have changed the way things are right now. I take a lot of blame for both. And unfortunately, at this point, I'm having a hard time placing any blame on the other two. This is not healthy and only going to make the long winter seasons harder if I don't get over it.


I know, at least with the divorce decision, most of it comes from having to deal with, what most split parents deal with. Kids maturing, asking questions and putting words to what happened. I haven't "hid" anything from my kids. Obviously I haven't told them anything that is above their understanding. But Tattem is starting to talk, and she's starting to call her step-mom Mama. It was hard to get a picture from her class today that labeled me as Mama: Rochelle, and even harder to see the note on the back that read "didn't draw Daddy because Mommy broke up with him". She has told me before that "it's ok to call Stephanie 'mama', and I don't really know what to say to it. She has two stepsisters saying 'Mom' and it's a natural word for her to use. I don't get mad at her, and I don't tell her I'm sad. I just mention that Stephanie is her Step Mother and I will always be her real mother. Sometimes I'm able to look at the positive, and think that she is lucky to have two moms, and I say this much to her almost every time. But right now, I'm just, well sad.


It didn't help that after dropping Tate off at her class we saw a little boy that is in her class, as well as her Church class, and he asked me "Why did you break up with that guy?" I guess it's hard to hear it put so much as what I did. It wasn't just me. I didn't just "break up" with their father. He had a big hand in the decision I made, and he knows this, right? And if he doesn't, I would assume he was over it, since he's remarried and all.


I don't know what else to do but write right now. It helps, and I'm going to reach out to my doctor, I know I'm in a position for depression, with the pregnancy hormones and all, so I'm going to be cautious.


I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed emotionally, and physically. Not to mention the daunting task of having another kid, while the father is wherever he is. Not feeling so smart at the moment.


This isn't for pity, if anything it's for me to read and tell myself to 'buck up,' 'get over it and do something about it'. But it really does help. Thanks for listening.