I'm Not Perfect

I had a very interesting weekend. Not so much my actions and decisions but how I'm now affected by them, especially compared to how it affected me a year ago.


I have been really happy lately. Ok well I don't if that is completely true, obviously if I feel the way I do now I couldn't have been perfectly happy. But I have been very content with my life as a single mom. Not that I haven't ever thought about changing that, but I've been ok on my own.

I went out this weekend for the first time in 6 months, I had a good time, saw some friends I haven't seen in a long time. But the thing is, it wasn't me, it was the other me. The one that parties, that's carefree, that does what she wants and doesn't care. The one that can't get hurt.

I do get hurt, and I hate it when I have no one to blame but, well, Me. I put myself in bad moods, I open up doors to things that just cause pain. Why? Why would I want to do that? Runs in the family I guess, my dad always seemed to be on self-destruct mode. Things would be great and he would do something to make it fail, sometimes it was just a negative mood or thought that could do it.

So anyway, it has been a year since my first relationship after the divorce. It seems crazy to think it went by that fast. So one year and two relationships later. Relationships not founded on the right reasons. I don't want to repeat that. I have already said that I'm on hiatus from dating anyway. But the year mark made me really think about it again. Not out of yearning, but out of contemplation of the past decisions, and how to go about it differently. I think it's a good idea to have the next eleven months to figure that out!

I was talking with a friend the other day. And I really understood something about myself. Where they have put their standards so high as to not have to look at all, "what's the point?" I have my standards so high I don't figure anyone can meet them so I settle for something less, usually way less than what I really want. Which brings up another point. If they are YOUR standards, how can they be "too" high? They should be high, this is your life, your decision to share it with someone else, you should be able to get what you want, and exactly that. And if that right person comes along and meets 9/10 standards, well I think at that point your heart can tell you if it's worth the consideration to accept that difference. If not, then, no, keep looking.

So I got my standards, and they are pretty high. But no more of this stupid drunk stuff, I am so much better than that! I am a great person, and I deserve the same.

Even as I say that, anyone that knows me, I knock myself down more than anyone else has a chance too. Not that they would, but it's almost like I have to insult myself so no one else gets an opportunity. I always do it as a joke, make it seem like I really don't mean that, but to say it, I must mean it a little.

My newest goal? No more bars. Just not going to do it. I can drink with friends, but real friends. Not bar friends. (There are some people I would be friends with at the bar, but I think it's healthier for me to work on those genuine friendships more than go to bar just to see them!) Besides, that just becomes an excuse to go out. And I don't need that!

I want some real, true friends. I have a couple. But very few people I would trust with my inner person. Everyone else gets the 'social, public, goes along with anything, can't say no to anyone, can't be mean to anyone, I don't care what we do, as long as it makes you happy' Rochelle. There are a couple people that know the real me, that care to know the real me. The rest I usually lock out, keep it secret, because to let them in, well that allows them to have access to the part of me that I let hurt. And I don't like to do that!

So Goals for this next quarter - yes I'm working in quarters now.

1. No more bars, (easy..Done!)

2. Make real friends (MALE AND FEMALE!) I'm getting sick of hearing that I can't have guy FRIENDS without it being something more, or them being Gay. Really people, we are adults, lets act that way!

3. Quit smoking.

4. Exercise more! I'm not in bad shape, but I could be in a lot better!


Bars, Smoking, Exercise - all revolve around will power. #2 takes effort, time, and REALness, if that makes any sense. Anyway, that's what I 'm doing. So if I'm a little more attentive to you in the next couple months, it's because I want to be your friend, not your whatever...