Cause and Effects...

Since I quit smoking - going on a whole three weeks - I've made a lot of consequent small changes in my life and in my frame of thinking. I realize that 3 weeks is not a long time to quit something like smoking. But I hadn't smoked in almost 8 years, and I only smoked a little over a pack a week for about a year. And if there is one thing I know about myself, when I finally make a decision I stick to it. Most of the time out of sheer stubbornness, but hey it works! (As long as it's a smart decision!) When I quit smoking, I also quit going out to the bar. Which is something I had wanted to quit doing anyway. For one, it gets very old, very quickly. There are the same people out every weekend, doing the same stupid, drunk things, and getting involved in the same stupid, drunk drama.

I was already beyond tired of that. But I also know that if I go to the bar there are many people there that would probably offer me a cigarette, and knowing me, I would probably take it. Even if I wouldn't, why put myself to that kind of test right now? SO - No Smoking has almost equaled No Drinking. At least less drinking and in healthier environments!

The no smoking has also made me WANT to be home more. I was avoiding this place on the weekends, dreading the quiet and the calm. Strange right? During the week it's all I can think about...quiet...calm...clean. But on the weekends I'm all alone and for a long time that was really hard for me to handle. Now, not so much. I actually enjoy it.

Which I think learning to enjoy being by myself has helped in a lot of small ways, ways I don't really notice. But I think my confidence is definitely stronger. My sense of personal happiness and inner peace is much stronger. I find myself completely avoiding dramatic situations and trying to keep as far away from trouble as possible. But I also think it shows to others, probably more than I can even comprehend. Someone told me that they were glad I was happy. I said "I am happy, thank you" and they told me that I just LOOK happy. Which is great! I want to look happy! I am happy!

Many people who have known me for awhile have noticed I've lost quite a bit of weight over the past year. I'm glad they notice, I guess. It's not that I tried to lose the weight, and I haven't really made any huge diet changes, and the kick off was a divorce that forced my appetite to nothing. Yes, now, physically I feel better, and mentally I feel better about myself. BUT to be told, "you look happy," vs. "you look skinny," is so much better! At least for me, because I put a lot more effort into being a happier person than I ever did into being a skinnier one. And I think that a happier person who is overweight is still a million times better than a miserable person that "looks great".

So the effects....well there are a lot already mentioned. With the action of quitting smoking, I'm now getting to be stronger and happier on my own. But with that, people are suddenly well, noticing me. Strange isn't it? I've always heard, and tried to believe that you have to love yourself first, before you can love someone else, right? Well it seems if you find self love, others notice and are attracted to it. Not always in the romantic sense, but I've made more friends since I've become friends with myself.  I've added a clip of my personal motivational speaker, hopefully he can help you too! :)

Myself confidence is growing by leaps and bounds. I'm comfortable with myself, in my skin, and happy. I'm ready to make more friends..and even those of the opposite sex. The difference now from 10 years ago? I wanted to meet someone to fall madly in love with and have the perfect marriage and perfect family. Right now, I want a friend, a companion. And I couldn't really see being good friends with a man. Maybe I'm backwards, but I'm going to say its maturity. I have a close family, I have my kids, right now I just want healthy people in my life that I can share some good times with. THAT is my only goal. I'm not trying to make friends for the possibility of more. Honestly.

It's kind of funny though because if I talk to a girlfriend and I mention talking to someone of the opposite sex it instantly goes to "Do you like him?" Well obviously, I talked to him! But the same goes for you! Girl or guy, if I don't LIKE you I'm probably not going to hang out with you. Period. Right?

So this is how I feel about 95%, yes there is that other part that still craves the companionship of a partner. And apparently this part of me prefers to do its analyzing and thinking at about 3 am. Who, what, where, what did that mean? When will this happen? If this happens, then... and so on and so forth. It is very annoying. It's like I have this high school cheerleader stuck in my head and my logical self is so annoyed by the time we get up in the morning. Seriously, shut up and just live your life, you don't have to ask questions about every single thing, it's not that important. It happened, you had fun. Why question it? And who knows what's going to happen tomorrow? None of us! So quit worrying about it, good or bad!

So the cause? Obvious I hope, the effect? No sleep. Oh well. I'll eventually get that cheerleader duct taped and put back in the closet where she belongs :)

By the way - I'm happy. I have less of a "life" than I have had in months and I couldn't be happier with the way that's working out right now! Even if it means more video games.... Don't judge me!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

And for those of you who can use it, a little motivation....

 

Mother's Day

When you are very young Mother's Day is almost like a birthday.  Yeah Mom! Here's a card and on your way. And that's only if someone told you it was, in fact, Mother's Day.  Then as you reached your teens to early twenties, it was easy to forget it.  Last minute phone call home, but hopefully you don't have to talk too long. It's when you join that exclusive Parenting category that you really start to appreciate what you had as a kid.

I've found that I as I get older and gain more experience in the "Mothering" category, I respect and appreciate my mom and ALL mom's a lot more. 

As a teen it was easy to blame everything on my mom, she never did anything right. So I thought.  Looking back now, every day is faced with so many decisions, from the minor to the major.  How can we ever be sure we are making the right one?  We can't, and either could our moms!  If anyone should be granted use of a crystal ball it should be us moms!  Then at least when we had to make the difficult decisions we could be SURE that it was for the better.

I love my mom.  I've been really close to my mom for all of my adult life. I don't remember being this close to her as a teen or before that. Not sure if that's due to my memories or the fact that it just so much stronger of a bond now than it was back then.  Whatever it is, I'm glad to call her my best friend now.  We talk on a daily basis, at least.  Then I usually see her almost daily too.  We are, FRIENDS, she is my mom, she always will have that mothering instinct over me.  She will be there to offer advice and help whenever she possibly can, and oftentimes when she really can't.  She means the world to me.  She is a wonderfully, loving grandma to my children, and that makes me love her even more.  It's hard to compete with a Mother's Love, but as a grandma, she's right there too. 

More than anything, my mom is strong. Yes I had  two parents growing up, but the stability always came from mom.  The unconditional love was from mom.  The CONSISTENT love came from mom.  You always knew what you were going to get from her. If you did something wrong, you were likely to get disappointment, if you did something great, you were guaranteed praise.  "I love you," was a phrase used often in our home, and used at every parting now.  Even if it's the 3rd phone call of the day.

My mom is amazing.  I want to be just like her when I grow up :)


Remember your Moms today.  And your grandmas, they had to make the hard decisions for your parents, and a part of who you are today as much as anyone else.  Think of the Moms that have lost their children, think of the moms who's babies are still in the womb, and the huge adventure they are about to take on.  Think the the moms at heart that can't have their own, think of the even stronger ones who have taken in a child not of their flesh, and bonded with them like they were there own.  Think of the step moms and be thankful if your children have one that loves them.

Think of the Moms you have lost and how much you loved them.  Be happy with your memories, where ever they are they love you and miss you more than you can ever comprehend.

Most of all just be grateful that the person you call mom, made the ultimate life sacrifice to love and care for you. And if she's anything like my mom, it didn't end when I moved out!


I LOVE YOU MOM!!!

Life Lessons from the Wizard...

...of Oz that is. I was singing to the kids, one of the usual requests, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow," much better by Judy than myself. But the kids like it.


As I was singing it I was lost thinking about how nice it would be to follow the blue birds over the rainbow, to that wonderful place where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops...

Then as my mind usually does, I wandered to the movie. Where Dorothy really wished she could escape her problems, hers are quite minor when compared to adult life. Chores, crazy ladies on bikes, compared to you know, divorce, new families, parenting plans, debt. Anyway the wish she made was granted. She flew over the rainbow to the land of her dreams. Lemon Drops and munchkins toting lollipops. But it wasn't all sugar flowers and golden walkways. It was way worse than everyday life. Wicked witches, flying monkeys...who wants that?

So if Dorothy's simplistic teenage problems were countered with death defying acts of melting witches with water, well what would I be countered with if my wish to fly amongst the blue birds came true?

If I could escape my problems of today, my worries, my fears, my heartaches. What would I get in return? I don't even want to think about that. I don't think I've ever thought of the Wizard of Oz as more than a fairy tale. I don't really know why, it's a pretty obvious Moral type story. As a friend said today, and I'm sure you've heard before, "the grass isn't always greener."

Self pity and the loss of self worth is a horrible place to be. I'm sad that I was feeling so strong less than a week ago, heck a few days ago. And today and yesterday I was hit with facts and insults that shook me to the core. Words, mean words, from another person. A person that has made decisions they think are better than mine because, why? I'm still not sure.

I have made mistakes, I mentioned them in my first entry. I fixed the situation the best I could. I remedied the situation as fast I was able to, and now it's done. I have a good stable home for my kids. I'm not perfect, I will never be perfect. If I was what would be the point in living anymore? If you have nothing to improve on you have nothing to hope for, no goals to achieve.

So although the lullaby is very inviting, and if I could truly fly over the rainbow and guarantee everything would be right as rain, well yeah I would think about it. But right now I'm going to pull myself up, out of this negative thinking. I read somewhere ... maybe another friends comments? Anyway No matter what you do as a parent you will always be able to look back and wish you did something differently. Guilt. It's what we carry as parents. So I will do the best I can and keep trying to improve, it's all I can do. It's the best I can do.

Besides that, if I could have all my wishes made true, would I even appreciate them? I will be stronger for what I endure. I will be grateful for the earnings I receive. I will be proud of who I am and what I have become. I will cherish the two perfect lives I have been given the honor of protecting. And I will not let anyone, even myself, get in the way of their happiness and well being.

So take a lesson from the Wizard, Rainbows and Lollipops sound great in theory but life is what it is, and it's never any greener over there than it already is here. Work through it, be strong, and you will be rewarded in the end.



And in case you need a refresher on the song, here is one of my favorite versions by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole...

Disrespect.

Why do we, as humans, lie? I know we don't ALL do it, or do it ALL the time. But why? Even the white lies, to our friends, family, KIDS. I've done it, made up a different excuse to not do something with someone, when I could have told them the truth but I wanted to spare their feelings. Who do I think I am? Making that decision for them? Maybe they wouldn't have even cared, maybe they would have and made a decision, based on mine, whether they wanted me in their lives anymore. It's not my place to adjust their view to control their thinking. That's what we are doing when we lie. We don't think that the other person is smart enough, or capable of making a decision on how they feel about us. Or we are too afraid that we might lose that friend because of our decisions. Which, if we really fear that, maybe we should rethink the reason we are lying, not the lie.



Disrespect, that's the only thing we do with a lie. Create it and give it away. Even white lies. Either we are ashamed of who we are, or afraid that the person we are lying to won't like the real person behind the one we have portrayed.


I feel pretty lucky that right now, in my life, I have people that I can honestly say know me, the real me. I don't talk to any one right now that I feel the need to lie to. I like that feeling. And, as far as I know, my friends and family aren't lying to me. Well most of them! I guess that's why the news I got this weekend hurt so much. I was lied to, big time. And the lying, more than anything, pissed me off.


The feeling of disrespect was so strong all I could do was be angry, and cry. Which pissed me off too, because for some reason I hate to cry. Especially to cry about someone that doesn't think enough of me to tell me the truth, when asked blatantly. Wasting tears, and energy. I hate that!


So I guess mainly this is about respecting those you really care about. And even those you don't. We are humans, we have to live together in this great big messed up world. And without respect what would we be? Really. Every relationship we have with someone it comes down to respect. It's hard to love someone who doesn't respect us, or vice versa. I mean this goes as deep as parent-child relationships. Yes, as a small child we have unconditional love for our parents, but as we get older, without the giving and receiving of respect it's very hard to keep that deep bond. Children who don't receive respect are the ones that don't give it, we forget how very much we teach our kids. How much the way we treat them will affect all of their future relationships.


And just as much as disrespect makes it hard to have relationships; it's amazing how much you can care for someone you have mutual respect for. Granted, there are people that I don't really get along with, but share great respect for. And there are a few people in my life that I have absolutely no respect for, but still feel for. Although most of that feeling is pity, not one anyone really wants to be on the receiving end of.


So, friends, what I am wanting to get at is making respect a focus of your day. Respecting that person in the car in front of you. Or that customer that is being a tad bit rude. Respecting your kids by telling them WHY they can't do something, in terms appropriate for them, obviously. Respect your friends, and tell them the real reason you can't come over, or don't want to. And really, I think you will find yourself thinking about your alternative actions a little bit more. I mean if you are continually making excuses to not hang out with a friend, are you really friends anyway?


Just some thoughts. Lies hurt, deception is never a good thing. Respect yourself integrity but respecting those you interact with, and love.

Self vs. Public Image

It's easy to see the drama when you just lurk around the Facebook and Myspace pages, or walk the streets of a small town. I see so many people get caught up in what others are saying and doing. I've been there, so I won't judge too harshly, just now that I'm not "in it" it's easy to see where they get stuck.



I had a dream last night, and it was mostly like a soundtrack more than the whole movie. There is a song out, kind of popular at the moment, I'll post the video at the end of this blog. It's called "According to You", by Orianthi. Ok so, yeah ok song at first, lyric wise, she is comparing how someone who doesn't matter thinks of her, to the way someone she likes thinks of her. Why did this song make me mad? I mean if the first person doesn't matter, then quit wasting time and energy worrying about what they said or thought about you. And really who is this second person, and why is their opinion so important? What about YOU? According to YOU what do you think about yourself?


Yes, I'm pretty much fantastic. I'm a caring person, I have a good sense of humor, I'm a great mom, I'm a responsible adult with a realistic, yet optimistic, view of my future. I have goals and I budget well. Plus I'm pretty darn sexy.


How come we can't say that seriously? Why is it so hard to have our own self-affirmations, our own sense of pride in who we are and what we have become? I mean there is always a point of moderation, I may honestly believe those things I said about myself, but that doesn't mean I go announcing it all the time. To do so would be asking for someone to agree or disagree, and since I do believe it, it shouldn't really matter. Yes it's great to hear nice things about yourself, but you know what? If you really truly believe you are a good person, you are a funny person, or a smart person, people will notice. And when you don't have to take the time to tell everyone how wonderful you are, people, great people, don't mind telling you that they think so too.


And please don't misunderstand me, by saying I think I'm all of the above, which I do; I do not think of myself as better than anyone, there is always room for improvement. I just feel that I'm above those situations, the drama, the ugly, the angry. And as I write this, I make it sound like I never worry about other people, or never get into the drama of it all.  It's always a constant struggle, we are humans, we naturally want to hear affirmation and be loved.  I'm just making a concious effort to work on the image I have of myself, and its really helping me deal with all the others out there judging me.


I guess I just wish more people could count on themselves, get some confidence and realize if there are people in your life giving you negativity and drama, it's simply not worth it. So much energy is wasted being angry at that person, or hurt, or resentful. Think of all the wonderful things you can do, for yourself, with all that energy! Or take it and pour it into someone you really care about, and cares for you!

Just recently it has all "clicked" for me. I am who matters most, and what I can control. I can't be worried all the time of someone disliking me, and believe me that's hard. It's ingrained, my mom and I both have issues with being accepted and loved by all. It's just a very unrealistic goal and only sets you up for disappointment and failure. So I quit. If you don't like me, well I would like to apologize if I did something hurtful or try to work it out, honestly I would. But if you really dislike me, then I guess I'll deal with it and move on. It's not worth either of our time fighting about why you should like me, but you probably should anyway - that's a joke by the way -



I kind of started rambling but my moral is - Love yourself First!!!!! Once you can obtain this, you get a self confidence that is hard to compete with. It makes everything easier! When you set higher standards for yourself you end up with better friends and richer relationships, with people that are worth caring about. People that will love you like you do! (or at least close to it)

The Begining.

I have been "blogging" for awhile on Myspace. It just doesn't offer the options for my creative mind, and I find it quite boring. For instance, I don't always have an appropriate "Mood" to set to my blog! It may change many times during the entry.

I used to keep a journal of thoughts, but really I hate writing with those old fashioned tools, you know pen and paper, remember them?  So I started typing my thoughts down, I find that my mind moves much quicker than possible to record on paper, and my typing skills see to be more up to speed with my overworking, random brain. Do you ever take those typing speed tests? Just for fun? I could spend hours trying to get a perfect score, unfortunately I never do, I can type REAL fast but generally I have a lot of typos. Hence proof reading is a long and arduous process for me.

Most of my entries have usually coincided with those things I was dealing with at the moment. Some of them quite personal. My last blogging incident was personal, very personal, but not in the TMI kind of way. And I was told I'm not supposed to make personal matters public, shouldn't that be up to me? It is, after all, my personal matters that I'm exposing. I try to be respectful of those that might be involved and not name names or give out tell tale information. Anyway personal is important. Doing this I am able to SEE what I am thinking, and somehow that makes it all a little more tangible, easier to handle and absorb.



I've had a trying year. I was separated from my husband of almost 5 years, together almost 8, on May 1st 2009. That anniversary is coming up quick! The divorce was final on March 26th of this year. Since then I have had an interesting time joining the dating pools, much too soon I might add. No real relationships occurred until around the holidays last fall.

 In mid November I met someone, at a bar, please hold the eye rolling for a minute, I realize this was a bad decision. He was not from here, which was probably the biggest selling point for me at the moment. Anyway, it just didn't work, (big surprise) and for the first time I realized how my single life and dating was going to affect my kids. I let this person move into my home, my life, way too soon, and after we split up in March I'm still dealing with the kids and their attachments.




The second relationship, almost a month after the first, was an almost relationship. I'm really proud of myself and how I handled this one. He was a great guy, really nice, good stable job, and a car even! But "IT" just wasn't there. Unfortunately, I think it was there for him, but I stayed logical, which apparently can be confused for "cold hearted" and the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was not right for me, or him, who was just getting out of a very long relationship. I was able to see this early, and end it before too much affection and time was passed and the hurt would be much greater.


I'm single again, and so happy to be that way. I have great friends and a super supportive family. I'm getting along with the kid's dad better than ever, without worrying about other emotions anymore! And I'm very comfortable with who I am and where I am, mentally and by physical location.

Right now I'm looking forward to making my friendships stronger and raising my kids the best way I can. I love my job, it may just be coffee but I love it! I have a wonderful boss and I really couldn't ask for more, at this moment.

I don't know what the future holds, I have some ideas but taking them one step at a time, keeping my eyes open for the obvious, and not so obvious signs. Keeping options open but trying to use my logical brain to decipher what is best for me and mine.

Thanks for reading and keep checking, more random thoughts will be coming to this page, and most of them not nearly this deep!