Crushes

Do you remember in grade school and you got your first crush on someone? Back then, they were just cute - because you probably didn't talk to them much. So it was how cute that person was.


When High School came around you might have added a little depth to that, he's cute and he's funny. But mostly it was still how hot they were. (Makes sense really, if you've ever read on the science of sex and attraction)

Even in my early 20's what I was looking for was someone I was obviously attracted too, and had some decent values - I didn't think much about how their passions in life would affect my life. Actually during that time, if I thought that was the person I wanted, I was willing to adapt my likes and dislikes to theirs, you know, to appear more attractive to them. Which is never smart. You are not only lying to that other person, but too yourself, and when the truth comes out - you just look and feel silly.

So now, that I've aged and matured...ha ha... I've realized that I still get crushes, but they aren't really based the same. I guess they are a little deeper. And obviously, physical attraction plays a huge part in it, and there is still a lot of the "he's nice" "he's funny" which I still kind of consider immature. Not fully, but to grow attached to someone just because they are nice to you isn't exactly healthy either.

But that's not even my issue. Let's say that there is a couple because I don't want to single anyone out. And actually that might be more truthful anyway. Actually let's pretend that I'm not talking about a present situation at all, and it's all hypothetical, yeah let's go with that...

I have friends, some of them are male. I don't even know how to write this without it sounding high school or making many of my male friends think that I'm fantasizing about them. Which this isn't even about. Basically, since leaving a marriage, and being a mom, my standards/attractions/needs have changed.

And for the record, my fantasies aren't really sexual at all, they are more like "My life would be perfect if..." And that's what I'm really trying to get at. IF. IF I did something about it for one thing, IF the circumstances were different. IF, IF, IF... Which is not a good place to be.

It's just like getting lost in my game, IF that was real it would be awesome - well except for that part where I die a lot, and well I guess if the full game was real and someone could heal or resurrect me I guess that would be ok, but it would hurt a lot. I guess that's kind of like life. If I let go and trusted myself to move on whatever I think I want to move on, it might be great, like I imagine but there are more opportunities for me to get hurt that way...

I feel like I'm in a downer mode lately, and I don't really mean to come across that way. It's just me working out my issues through typing. And believe me usually after I deal with it this way I'm able to move forward. Honestly, so if you think I'm bringing myself down, it's really quite the opposite.

Lately I have had a fantasy - hypothetically of course - or two - in my head, but because I know it's not real, yet wish that one of them were, so instead I sit here and pout that it's not real. Is that healthy? I think not. And what good is that doing me? Worrying about how something that will probably never happen could happen and fix my life forever. Stupid, and unrealistic. Because I'm old enough to know that nothing turns out "perfect." So even if one of my random fantasies happened to come true, it wouldn't turn out quite the way I imagined it of course.

So basically, I'm going to stop dwelling on situations that are not real, that are dreams, which are fine to have dreams. But to put too much stock in them is just not a good idea. Plain and simple.

That's not right, to have dreams and desires is good, and to have faith that your dreams will come true is not anything I discourage anyone from doing. But more on point is that dreaming, about a dream, and pouting that it's not coming true magically - without making any effort to make it come true - isn't healthy, and isn't going to get you anywhere.



So have your dreams, but do something to obtain them - don't sit and dwell and wonder why it's not.

*** This was actually very hard for me to publish, and it may not seem so, but much more personal and closer to my heart than many of the other posts.***