Actions and Consequences

Every action, every step we take has reaction, a consequence. Sometimes we wonder through life unaware of how our decisions today will affect our outcomes tomorrow. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a chose your own adventure book, but with this version I don't have the option to do it over and over again until I get the desired outcome.


Really think about it, every single day we make a million decisions, some minor, some major, and most go unnoticed. And even if you notice them, well sometimes they aren't thought through too well.

I have become a victim of myself, again. Which I find almost amusing. I tend to over analyze, over think every single decision. I go through a list of consequences, pros and cons and weigh it out. However, lately, not so much.

I know exactly what happens when you do certain things with the opposite sex with no protection or birth control. Yet I did it anyway. And here I sit, 12 weeks pregnant. I thought that person was perfect, silly me, no one is perfect! I should have known that too. And now 12 weeks pregnant and 12 weeks into a brand new relationship I'm realizing that maybe we don't have as much in common as I thought, and maybe we really aren't compatible. Not a problem for most 12 week relationships, it's just that this one is accompanied with a new life. Still, I'm not going to force something to happen that isn't going to work. It won't be good for me, or him, or the baby, or my kids living with us now! However that brings me to my next point...

I'm starting to feel like maybe I really truly want to be alone, self reliant, completely in control of my world. It's a safe place, I don't have to think about another person's actions and how they will affect my daily life. Even now, in the situation I am in, I feel like it could be actually easier on my own. Does that make sense? I mean really, how could having a newborn, alone, be easier than with a co-parent? It's really pretty logical. If I am on my own, well no one is there to let me down, I have no expectations for help.

Funny how this all made a lot of logical sense to me before I put it in writing. Then I see how sad it looks. I'm kind of sad now that I've gotten to that point where I would rather not count on anyone than have someone to count on only to be disappointed.

I should have done this last year, but I'm taking a year off. No dating, no romantic escapades. Should be pretty easy I mean really, pregnant with 2 small children isn't a highly requested item on the dating menu. But honestly it's for me and my kids. I feel like I'm headed down a road that is only going to cause us all more heartache if I don't stop the car and turn around right now. Better late than never to learn a lesson right?

For ME I'm doing alright. I realize I could have used my head a little more than my hormones, and even better used one of the many available contraceptives on the market, or even a morning after pill. But I didn't and that is NOT the baby's fault! I will not blame this child, I will love it just as much as I love my other two wonderful babies. It will have a happy, healthy home with a happy, healthy mommy. And Mommy needs to work on that first and foremost. If I'm not concerned with finding that perfect someone, or trying to make someone else fit a mold to what I think I want, I have more time to spend on myself, and if I spend a little more time on myself, I'm going to be an even better mother.

I'm still sad, sad that everything isn't happily ever after, but you know what? I'm going to be 30 soon, and I should know by now that Cinderella isn't a real person.

I have a great support base of caring friends and loving family. We will be ok as our little family grows. My kids are amazing and doing well with everything their little lives have been through in the last year. I'm grateful for their strong souls and hopeful for a happy new year as I trudge down this new path to self healing and discovery.