The Politics of Bullies

Normally I try to stay out of politics, especially in my blogs, but this was something I couldn't ignore, and has been heavy on my heart since the first incident was publicized. All I can think about is that could be my child, or my child's friend. Dealing with a tragedy like this effects all of us...please don't forget that as you read this.



April, bullied for her weight



With all these horrible incidents of suicide, related to bullying, coming up in the media. Incidents that have been happening for awhile, it's hard to watch all the politics involved. I get so frustrated listening to the left and right sides of the story.

Bottom line, our kids need protected, and if we can put a better policy into effect to help our teaching staff do so, then we should all be for it 110%

After listening to Anderson Cooper's Interview with Candi Cushman, I am even more upset! Focus on the Family is a great organization, I get it, but it's so idealistic vs. realistic. No, I don't think we should be teaching kindergartners the in's and out's of being a homosexual family. But in the same breath I don't want sexual education teaching all the in's and out's of heterosexuality! But I do think by learning tolerance at a young age it helps us keep an open mind as we grow up.

Phoebe, bullied for accused
sexual activity and race

Think about racial issues of the past. Most people our age have no issue interacting with people of other races. People a generation ago, raised with and taught racial biased, have a much harder time adjusting. It's the same thing. You don't have to agree with homosexuality to be a respectful person. It's not your problem is it? A man marrying a man today is not so much different than an African American marrying a Caucasian 20 years ago. It's not your life, leave it alone.

It makes me sad to see all these young lives cut short. Wasn't it hard enough being in junior high without all this crap? And who knows if all these kids that took their own lives were actually homosexual? How many times have you heard, or even said, "Quit being gay," knowing fully that the person you were talking to was straight? How many of these boys were just late bloomers, had that young, feminine look? And were not strong enough to handle the pressures and stigma of being accused of a lifestyle that is still too taboo to deal with in public?

Saying , "Bullying is Bad," isn't working, we need to change that. There are so many ways kids are picked on, have been picked on, bullies have been around since public school started. Yes we should encourage all bullying to stop, but if studies prove that by naming the problem it helps, then by all means, NAME IT! Overweight kids, short kids, tall kids, homosexual kids. ALL OF THEM NEED PROTECTION. I know that when the sexual harassment laws were passed for work, having a name, something to talk about, helped the victims, and shut up the offenders. If you know for a fact that you are not supposed to do something, specifically, you are less likely to offend. If you know that you aren't supposed to tell explicit nasty jokes in the work place, you will probably think twice about the company you are with before you do it, correct? So kids, who do like rules, will probably think about their wording more if they aren't allowed to say "gay" and "faggot." And the kids being called such names will have a defense when they go to a teacher, counselor or parent.

Jared, bullied for his size.

Another thing that irritates me about this whole thing is that the Focus on the Family side wants to say homosexuals are pushing their "agenda." First of all, I wasn't aware that there was a movement to make everyone homosexual. Do they have a recruitment office or something? Are they giving out cookies? Being open-minded and asking for equal rights has been going on for as long as I can remember, regardless of the issue at hand. Second of all, what about the religious agenda? What about freedom of religion? If we can't push one agenda how can we push another? How does that work? In the clip at the bottom of this blog, Candi Cushman says that they believe "all children are created in God's image." Ok, that's fine, I agree with that, but does everyone in the nation believe that? So if not everyone believes that homosexuality is 'ok' or Christian, well how can we assume everyone in the nation believes in the Christian God?

I wish we could just go back to the Declaration of Independence, remember those words?

"We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

In closing, before you judge ANYONE, or any policy, think about how this declaration applies to you, and how you would feel if any of your unalienable Rights, were taken away.

* Pictures featured in this blog are of kids who took their own lives because of depression and bullying. Please note that it is far more reaching than just sexual orientation.

Anderson Cooper's Interview on CNN

Sarah Silverman's Message to America on what we teach our kids.

***Public school is not your only option, if you greatly disagree to the new anti-bullying and the teaching of tolerance to all individuals and lifestyles, there are numerous Christian schools, and of course, Home School.***

Love Is a Finicky Thing...

...to a lot of people anyway. Ok so I know I just decided to take a break from dating, and this is NOT about me deciding to stray from that plan. I'm very happy now that I made my decision, and the decision to stick with it!


However, I get to sit back and watch people make the same mistakes over and over again. And yet every time they start, they think it's the best thing in the world. I guess that's the great thing about "love" or lust I think is more appropriate at that stage. So for a week it will be posts about how wonderful and amazing life is, and then in a month it will be crap.

I've always been someone who takes some time, usually a lot of time, to say those three little words. Maybe this is because I've been on the receiving end - too early - too many times. And it makes me uncomfortable. There are few people that I say "I love you" to. And to those people, I say it often, because I really do love them! I have to admit that the last relationship, I said it early, way early, and I should have known better, I hadn't even gotten to know this person and here I was saying those committing words. That right there should be a warning - if by saying those words I feel committed, and worried about it, then I definitely shouldn't be saying it!

The other side of the story is - Those who fall in and out of love so easily, tend to base their whole world on the status of their numerous relationships. Every time I have decided to be single I have been happy, with myself. And I think this is HUGE for anyone! How can you love another if you can't stand to be alone with yourself?

I'm sure I sound all high and mighty about relationships, and some might take this as my jealousy towards those in happy unions. But that's not it at all. I just see what I have been doing, but through others actions and it makes me more confident that this is the best decision for me right now.

I wish I could tell some of these people these things without getting criticism or defense, but I can't, so I will empty my thoughts here. I guess it's the hardest for me to see friends jump from one relationship, directly to another without a minute to breathe. I did this, and I at least had a couple months in between - still I feel like I just JUMPED and rebounded, over and over again. And there is a couple of friends with kids in the mix. I still feel horrible for the two people I got my kids close to. I feel so guilty for doing that too them. Divorce was hard enough but letting more people into their lives for me to just decide that it wasn't right? Wrong Mom! You should have figured it out BEFORE your kids got used to seeing these people on a daily basis!

And I know that I didn't feel this guilt until the relationships were over, or almost over, and I realized what I did again. And I know that these people don't see it now, but it's happening. Those little hearts are getting attached to the one you are with, and when you break up, they will have no concept of why or how. And you are going to be left explaining why that person isn't around, and won't be around anymore. I know, because I answer these questions often.

I'm happy that right now I am in control of my happiness and my destination - and I know that no matter what I will remain in control. As long as I stay with this ideal, I will remain strong, and healthy, relationship or not. I will not be brought down because someone is in a bad mood. I will determine how I feel, based on HOW I FEEL, not someone else!

I wish I could spread that to more people - by example I guess. Maybe we are all separate halves of a whole - looking to be complete. But I want my half to be as whole and stable as possible before I attach it to someone else!

Winter Blues Already?

Or am I just contemplating my situation? Probably more of the latter. All I know is I really wish I could see the future and know that all of this is somehow going to be just fine, and just what I needed.



Lately I've even been going all the way back, like 18 months, seems like longer I swear! And thinking about my divorce and decision to separate. What could I have done different? What could have changed to make everything perfect now? I'm not going to answer those questions, because, frankly, it doesn't matter. I can't turn back the clock and re-do anything.


Maybe things could have been fixed, even during the separation, but it takes both parties and well, there wasn't much motivation or trying on either end. I was convinced this was best for me, and I have to remember that. I spent many days, weeks, months before I made that choice, and when I did I was very sure that the overall happiness, healthiness, and well being, of myself and my children was dependent on that. And he was remarried less than a year after separation and less than 3 weeks after the actual divorce, so yeah.


I guess it's just that I'm stuck in that awkward dilemma of doubting myself. And doing it a year later doesn't help anything at all. If I would have done things differently with Tim I may not have been in this extra difficult situation. May not? Ok we all know it wouldn't have happened, or maybe it would? Maybe this baby is meant to be? I guess I have to think that it is, because otherwise I might get drug down in the muck of doubt and insecurity, and I really don't want to be there.


The facts are, no matter what decision I made there was another party that could have made a difference. That could have changed the way things are right now. I take a lot of blame for both. And unfortunately, at this point, I'm having a hard time placing any blame on the other two. This is not healthy and only going to make the long winter seasons harder if I don't get over it.


I know, at least with the divorce decision, most of it comes from having to deal with, what most split parents deal with. Kids maturing, asking questions and putting words to what happened. I haven't "hid" anything from my kids. Obviously I haven't told them anything that is above their understanding. But Tattem is starting to talk, and she's starting to call her step-mom Mama. It was hard to get a picture from her class today that labeled me as Mama: Rochelle, and even harder to see the note on the back that read "didn't draw Daddy because Mommy broke up with him". She has told me before that "it's ok to call Stephanie 'mama', and I don't really know what to say to it. She has two stepsisters saying 'Mom' and it's a natural word for her to use. I don't get mad at her, and I don't tell her I'm sad. I just mention that Stephanie is her Step Mother and I will always be her real mother. Sometimes I'm able to look at the positive, and think that she is lucky to have two moms, and I say this much to her almost every time. But right now, I'm just, well sad.


It didn't help that after dropping Tate off at her class we saw a little boy that is in her class, as well as her Church class, and he asked me "Why did you break up with that guy?" I guess it's hard to hear it put so much as what I did. It wasn't just me. I didn't just "break up" with their father. He had a big hand in the decision I made, and he knows this, right? And if he doesn't, I would assume he was over it, since he's remarried and all.


I don't know what else to do but write right now. It helps, and I'm going to reach out to my doctor, I know I'm in a position for depression, with the pregnancy hormones and all, so I'm going to be cautious.


I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed emotionally, and physically. Not to mention the daunting task of having another kid, while the father is wherever he is. Not feeling so smart at the moment.


This isn't for pity, if anything it's for me to read and tell myself to 'buck up,' 'get over it and do something about it'. But it really does help. Thanks for listening.

Being Right, kind of sucks.

Most of you know my unique situation, and if you read the previous blog you know I owned up to my part of my condition - my part, being all of it. Anyway, the other half the situation and I are well, taking a break. At least that's what I thought.

Taking a break to me, well I had hoped he would try to convince me that he was either going to change, or that he loves me, like he says. Or make SOME effort to keep in touch. I mean I am carrying his child. But no, my predictions came true.

He went right back to where I thought he would, and doing what I suspect he's doing. Not more than one phone call to retrieve his things and ten minutes here while getting his things. I'm sad, but at the same time, it makes my decision a lot easier to stick too. With no fight, no guilt, no, well anything, I can't really argue with my actions at all. I guess it is for the better.

I just feel like I'm always the one breaking things off, and well, it still hurts, it's still not any fun. But it makes it worse when the other person rolls over and says "Okay" I guess it wasn't much to them either.

Here I am, sitting at my computer. More confident in my decision to stay single. Focusing on the important relationships in my lives and working on having healthier friendships, with healthier people.

My kids are a wonderful distraction, and watching them grow and mature, and prove me wrong, it's a joy and a blessing, and a challenge every day. It makes it so much more plausible to leave another extra person out of my life. I hardly have enough time in a week to do what I want to do.

I'm getting Tattem involved in some of my hobbies, as she is finally old enough to do so. Tonight we are going to learn how to use a sewing machine. Tristin is going to have full days with JUST MOM time and I'm so excited about that. We are going to bake cookies and play games and do all of these great activities I was given to do with him. It will be great for our relationship. And all this while Tattem embarks on a whole new phase of life, School...

It's crazy to think that 5 years have passed since I held her in my arms for the first time, and thinking about it now will get me all teary eyed. She is an amazing individual, beautiful inside and out. I'm excited to see how she turns out, and to be a part of it.



So even if I started in a negative tone, as much of my thoughts usually end with my kids, it is always a positive ending.

Actions and Consequences

Every action, every step we take has reaction, a consequence. Sometimes we wonder through life unaware of how our decisions today will affect our outcomes tomorrow. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a chose your own adventure book, but with this version I don't have the option to do it over and over again until I get the desired outcome.


Really think about it, every single day we make a million decisions, some minor, some major, and most go unnoticed. And even if you notice them, well sometimes they aren't thought through too well.

I have become a victim of myself, again. Which I find almost amusing. I tend to over analyze, over think every single decision. I go through a list of consequences, pros and cons and weigh it out. However, lately, not so much.

I know exactly what happens when you do certain things with the opposite sex with no protection or birth control. Yet I did it anyway. And here I sit, 12 weeks pregnant. I thought that person was perfect, silly me, no one is perfect! I should have known that too. And now 12 weeks pregnant and 12 weeks into a brand new relationship I'm realizing that maybe we don't have as much in common as I thought, and maybe we really aren't compatible. Not a problem for most 12 week relationships, it's just that this one is accompanied with a new life. Still, I'm not going to force something to happen that isn't going to work. It won't be good for me, or him, or the baby, or my kids living with us now! However that brings me to my next point...

I'm starting to feel like maybe I really truly want to be alone, self reliant, completely in control of my world. It's a safe place, I don't have to think about another person's actions and how they will affect my daily life. Even now, in the situation I am in, I feel like it could be actually easier on my own. Does that make sense? I mean really, how could having a newborn, alone, be easier than with a co-parent? It's really pretty logical. If I am on my own, well no one is there to let me down, I have no expectations for help.

Funny how this all made a lot of logical sense to me before I put it in writing. Then I see how sad it looks. I'm kind of sad now that I've gotten to that point where I would rather not count on anyone than have someone to count on only to be disappointed.

I should have done this last year, but I'm taking a year off. No dating, no romantic escapades. Should be pretty easy I mean really, pregnant with 2 small children isn't a highly requested item on the dating menu. But honestly it's for me and my kids. I feel like I'm headed down a road that is only going to cause us all more heartache if I don't stop the car and turn around right now. Better late than never to learn a lesson right?

For ME I'm doing alright. I realize I could have used my head a little more than my hormones, and even better used one of the many available contraceptives on the market, or even a morning after pill. But I didn't and that is NOT the baby's fault! I will not blame this child, I will love it just as much as I love my other two wonderful babies. It will have a happy, healthy home with a happy, healthy mommy. And Mommy needs to work on that first and foremost. If I'm not concerned with finding that perfect someone, or trying to make someone else fit a mold to what I think I want, I have more time to spend on myself, and if I spend a little more time on myself, I'm going to be an even better mother.

I'm still sad, sad that everything isn't happily ever after, but you know what? I'm going to be 30 soon, and I should know by now that Cinderella isn't a real person.

I have a great support base of caring friends and loving family. We will be ok as our little family grows. My kids are amazing and doing well with everything their little lives have been through in the last year. I'm grateful for their strong souls and hopeful for a happy new year as I trudge down this new path to self healing and discovery.

Cause and Effects...

Since I quit smoking - going on a whole three weeks - I've made a lot of consequent small changes in my life and in my frame of thinking. I realize that 3 weeks is not a long time to quit something like smoking. But I hadn't smoked in almost 8 years, and I only smoked a little over a pack a week for about a year. And if there is one thing I know about myself, when I finally make a decision I stick to it. Most of the time out of sheer stubbornness, but hey it works! (As long as it's a smart decision!) When I quit smoking, I also quit going out to the bar. Which is something I had wanted to quit doing anyway. For one, it gets very old, very quickly. There are the same people out every weekend, doing the same stupid, drunk things, and getting involved in the same stupid, drunk drama.

I was already beyond tired of that. But I also know that if I go to the bar there are many people there that would probably offer me a cigarette, and knowing me, I would probably take it. Even if I wouldn't, why put myself to that kind of test right now? SO - No Smoking has almost equaled No Drinking. At least less drinking and in healthier environments!

The no smoking has also made me WANT to be home more. I was avoiding this place on the weekends, dreading the quiet and the calm. Strange right? During the week it's all I can think about...quiet...calm...clean. But on the weekends I'm all alone and for a long time that was really hard for me to handle. Now, not so much. I actually enjoy it.

Which I think learning to enjoy being by myself has helped in a lot of small ways, ways I don't really notice. But I think my confidence is definitely stronger. My sense of personal happiness and inner peace is much stronger. I find myself completely avoiding dramatic situations and trying to keep as far away from trouble as possible. But I also think it shows to others, probably more than I can even comprehend. Someone told me that they were glad I was happy. I said "I am happy, thank you" and they told me that I just LOOK happy. Which is great! I want to look happy! I am happy!

Many people who have known me for awhile have noticed I've lost quite a bit of weight over the past year. I'm glad they notice, I guess. It's not that I tried to lose the weight, and I haven't really made any huge diet changes, and the kick off was a divorce that forced my appetite to nothing. Yes, now, physically I feel better, and mentally I feel better about myself. BUT to be told, "you look happy," vs. "you look skinny," is so much better! At least for me, because I put a lot more effort into being a happier person than I ever did into being a skinnier one. And I think that a happier person who is overweight is still a million times better than a miserable person that "looks great".

So the effects....well there are a lot already mentioned. With the action of quitting smoking, I'm now getting to be stronger and happier on my own. But with that, people are suddenly well, noticing me. Strange isn't it? I've always heard, and tried to believe that you have to love yourself first, before you can love someone else, right? Well it seems if you find self love, others notice and are attracted to it. Not always in the romantic sense, but I've made more friends since I've become friends with myself.  I've added a clip of my personal motivational speaker, hopefully he can help you too! :)

Myself confidence is growing by leaps and bounds. I'm comfortable with myself, in my skin, and happy. I'm ready to make more friends..and even those of the opposite sex. The difference now from 10 years ago? I wanted to meet someone to fall madly in love with and have the perfect marriage and perfect family. Right now, I want a friend, a companion. And I couldn't really see being good friends with a man. Maybe I'm backwards, but I'm going to say its maturity. I have a close family, I have my kids, right now I just want healthy people in my life that I can share some good times with. THAT is my only goal. I'm not trying to make friends for the possibility of more. Honestly.

It's kind of funny though because if I talk to a girlfriend and I mention talking to someone of the opposite sex it instantly goes to "Do you like him?" Well obviously, I talked to him! But the same goes for you! Girl or guy, if I don't LIKE you I'm probably not going to hang out with you. Period. Right?

So this is how I feel about 95%, yes there is that other part that still craves the companionship of a partner. And apparently this part of me prefers to do its analyzing and thinking at about 3 am. Who, what, where, what did that mean? When will this happen? If this happens, then... and so on and so forth. It is very annoying. It's like I have this high school cheerleader stuck in my head and my logical self is so annoyed by the time we get up in the morning. Seriously, shut up and just live your life, you don't have to ask questions about every single thing, it's not that important. It happened, you had fun. Why question it? And who knows what's going to happen tomorrow? None of us! So quit worrying about it, good or bad!

So the cause? Obvious I hope, the effect? No sleep. Oh well. I'll eventually get that cheerleader duct taped and put back in the closet where she belongs :)

By the way - I'm happy. I have less of a "life" than I have had in months and I couldn't be happier with the way that's working out right now! Even if it means more video games.... Don't judge me!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

And for those of you who can use it, a little motivation....

 

Mother's Day

When you are very young Mother's Day is almost like a birthday.  Yeah Mom! Here's a card and on your way. And that's only if someone told you it was, in fact, Mother's Day.  Then as you reached your teens to early twenties, it was easy to forget it.  Last minute phone call home, but hopefully you don't have to talk too long. It's when you join that exclusive Parenting category that you really start to appreciate what you had as a kid.

I've found that I as I get older and gain more experience in the "Mothering" category, I respect and appreciate my mom and ALL mom's a lot more. 

As a teen it was easy to blame everything on my mom, she never did anything right. So I thought.  Looking back now, every day is faced with so many decisions, from the minor to the major.  How can we ever be sure we are making the right one?  We can't, and either could our moms!  If anyone should be granted use of a crystal ball it should be us moms!  Then at least when we had to make the difficult decisions we could be SURE that it was for the better.

I love my mom.  I've been really close to my mom for all of my adult life. I don't remember being this close to her as a teen or before that. Not sure if that's due to my memories or the fact that it just so much stronger of a bond now than it was back then.  Whatever it is, I'm glad to call her my best friend now.  We talk on a daily basis, at least.  Then I usually see her almost daily too.  We are, FRIENDS, she is my mom, she always will have that mothering instinct over me.  She will be there to offer advice and help whenever she possibly can, and oftentimes when she really can't.  She means the world to me.  She is a wonderfully, loving grandma to my children, and that makes me love her even more.  It's hard to compete with a Mother's Love, but as a grandma, she's right there too. 

More than anything, my mom is strong. Yes I had  two parents growing up, but the stability always came from mom.  The unconditional love was from mom.  The CONSISTENT love came from mom.  You always knew what you were going to get from her. If you did something wrong, you were likely to get disappointment, if you did something great, you were guaranteed praise.  "I love you," was a phrase used often in our home, and used at every parting now.  Even if it's the 3rd phone call of the day.

My mom is amazing.  I want to be just like her when I grow up :)


Remember your Moms today.  And your grandmas, they had to make the hard decisions for your parents, and a part of who you are today as much as anyone else.  Think of the Moms that have lost their children, think of the moms who's babies are still in the womb, and the huge adventure they are about to take on.  Think the the moms at heart that can't have their own, think of the even stronger ones who have taken in a child not of their flesh, and bonded with them like they were there own.  Think of the step moms and be thankful if your children have one that loves them.

Think of the Moms you have lost and how much you loved them.  Be happy with your memories, where ever they are they love you and miss you more than you can ever comprehend.

Most of all just be grateful that the person you call mom, made the ultimate life sacrifice to love and care for you. And if she's anything like my mom, it didn't end when I moved out!


I LOVE YOU MOM!!!