St. Patrick's Day - The Man and the Traditions.

I find it quite remarkable to see so many people line up to follow traditions in the spirit of fun, yet have no idea why we do these things. Does no one care to ask? Does no one care, at all. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging you, and actually if you all knew the reasons behind this particular holiday, my following article wouldn't mean very much and I would be left with nothing of interest to write about.

So, St. Patrick, who was this guy? Well, despite common belief, he was not born in Ireland, nor did he drive all the snakes from the country, or even introduce Christianity to Ireland. And even more interesting, to me anyway, is that the original color associated with this patron saint is blue, not green! So where did we get these ideas? Why is a four leaf clover lucky?

Maewyn Succat, his birth name, was allegedly born to a very well-to-do family in Rome, sometime late in the fourth century. His father, Calphurnius was a deacon in the Roman church. However the family history supports that the job was taken for tax incentives, not so much the drive of religious beliefs.
Around the age of 16 Maewyn was taken captive by a group of Irish Raiders. He was held in captivity somewhere near the West coast of Ireland, perhaps in County Mayo, for 6 years. It was during this time of solitude and slavery that he turned to his religion and God for solace and support. Sometime around the age of 22 he received a vision of God in a dream, telling him that it was time for him to go home. He escaped on foot and walked approximately 200 miles to board a ship and return home. Shortly after arriving home he received another vision-led direction from God, telling him that he should return to Ireland as a missionary and spread the Gospel.

He received his ordination into priesthood after more than 15 years of religious training, and was given his Catholic name, Patrick from Pope Celestine. His mission to Ireland was to provide guidance to the Christian's in the area and to convert the Irish. Which means that Patrick did not introduce Christianity to the Irish Nation, but he did play a very large part in spreading it.

In trying to explain the Holy Trinity, Patrick used resources at hand. From the common clover, or shamrock, he showed the people of Ireland how the Holy Trinity was like the three leaves of the clover, separate but united at the stem. By living within the country for six years he was familiar with the pagan beliefs and religious symbols. He took the image of the sun, a very powerful Irish icon, and placed it in the center of the Christian cross. Thus creating the, easily recognizable, Celtic Cross. (That is the story, but probably not completely accurate as the Celtic Cross has shown up in history long before that)

It is believed that Patrick died on March 17th, around 460 A.D. which is complimentary to the date we celebrate him now. The holiday behind the patron saint of Ireland is still recognized as a religious holiday in Ireland, and other parts of the world. But it is the secular symbols that we recognize more easily on St. Patrick's day.

The wearing of green, this actually came from the clovers, which he was remembered for. The green clovers turned to green ribbons and during the 1798 rebellion, became green attire. Looking to make a political statement the soldiers of Ireland dressed in entirely green uniforms, hoping to catch some public attention. And it seems they have, for if you don't wear green now, you are liable to get a pinch!
And the clovers, how many times have you looked for a four leaf clover, or heard of their supposed "luck"? Well now that we know that St. Patrick used the 3 leaf clover, it must certainly leave a question with you. Well lucky for you I have done my homework. The four leaf clover dates back before Christianity, and has not much to do with St. Patrick's day at all.

The Irish were primarily a nature based religion for many years, the Celtic Priests, known as Druids are responsible for the luckiness behind the four leaf clover. It was believe that the Celtic Charm had great powers against malevolent spirits and it was highly acclaimed to bring good fortune upon a person to possess one. From there it has been held to represent Faith, Hope, Love, and of course, Luck. Being that the chances of finding a true four leaf clover are very rare, I'm sure that a person that does stumble upon one must hold some amount of luck!


The other traditions, green beer, feasting on Irish food, are very simple to explain. Ireland is known, and has been known, for its beer loving patrons, and the Feast of St. Patrick has been held by religious followers for centuries. So if you are going to celebrate St. Patrick, your beer might as well be green and your food might as well be cabbage and corned beef!

I hope you all have a very lucky St. Patrick's Day, and that there is Whiskey in your jar!



This is another famous Irish Song, and the scenery in the video is breath taking!

St. Valentine, Who was he and why do we celebrate him?

This is the article featured in February's edition of the Ferry County View... enjoy!

It seems as though that time of year has come around, the season of minor holidays. Certain days in the year most currently focused to get people to spend money. We kick off this season with St. Valentine's Day. So who is this Valentine character and why does he have a whole day dedicated to him? The history of this romantic holiday is shrouded in legends and mystery, containing both ancient Roman and Christian traditions.

One of the many legends says that Valentine was a priest that secretly married soldiers to their sweethearts in third century Rome. During this time Emperor Claudius II had outlawed marriage for young men, under the ideal that single men made better soldiers than those with families. Of course, when Valentine was discovered committing these horrible acts, he was put to death. This marks at least one of the three martyred Catholic saints name Valentine, or Valentinus.

Another legend suggests that Valentine sent the first "valentine" to a young girl, possibly his jailor's daughter, while imprisoned. Apparently this girl would visit him during his confinement, and before his death it is rumored that he wrote her a letter, signing it "From your Valentine."
There are other stories that suggest that Valentine, or at least one of them, was killed for trying to help Christians escape the Roman prisons where they were being tortured and beaten. However, that story is not nearly as romantic as the holiday suggests it should be, and is looked upon very lightly in most history. Whatever his story, given his image of a sympathetic, and most certainly romantic, hero, it is not hard to see how he became one of the most popular saints in England and France during the Middle Ages.

As with most holidays, the true origins are very clouded, and most often combined with other traditions, so it soon becomes impossible to decipher when and why we actually celebrate these days the way we do.
For instance, the very date of St. Valentine's Day, February 14th. Some believe that this date is celebrated as the anniversary of Valentine's death or burial, most likely occurring around 270 A.D. Where there are others that suggest that the Christian church chose to celebrate in the middle of February in an effort to "Christianize" the pagan celebrations of the Lupercalia festival.

For ancient Romans, February was the official start to spring, and was a time for purification. Like today's "spring cleaning", houses were ritually swept clean and sprinkled with salt and spelt, a type of wheat. February 15th, the "ides of February," began Lupercalia, a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture, and to the founders of Rome, Romulus and Remus. The festivities began when members of the Luperci, an order of Roman priests, would assemble at the sacred cave where it was believed that Romulus and Remus were raised by a lupa, or she-wolf. There they would sacrifice a goat, for fertility, and a dog, for purification.

Young men would then cut the goat's hide into strips, dip them in the sacrificial blood and go back to town. On their way and throughout the town they would gently slap the fields of crops and the women with these bloodied goat hide strips. To be slapped with a bloody goat hide was not feared, but welcomed by the Roman women. For being touched with the sacred strips was suggested to make them more fertile in the coming year. Later in the day the city's bachelor's would draw names from a larger urn in the city center. The names were of all the young women, and these two would be paired for the year. Often times these pairings ended in marriage.
In, or around, 498 A.D. Pope Gelasius declared February 14th St. Valentine's Day and the Roman "lottery" for romantic pairing was deemed "un-Christian" and outlawed.

More currently, sometime in the Middle Ages, it was commonly believed throughout England and France that February 14th marked the beginning of the mating season for birds. Obviously, this added to the idea that mid February, or St. Valentine's Day, should be a day for romance.
In doing my research for this article I was surprised to not find any symbolizing of candy and flowers. However, the jail letters indicate the tradition of exchanging cards to mark the occasion. Which recent studies show that there are about 141 million Valentine's Day cards exchanged every year.

So I suggest being original, or getting back to the roots of the holiday. Why waste money on flowers, candy and jewelry? Confess your love with a goat hide (you might want to see how she feels about that first) or just send a card. I believe the rest of the modern traditions, fancy decorations, dinners and all the other gifts, are obviously a newer custom instilled by the retail markets to give us another reason to expect and to purchase gifts. But that's a different topic entirely!

I wish all of you a Happy Valentine's Day!

Sleepless in Awesomeville.

Awesome. It is definitely one of my most used words these days. That's ok because I have friends that like that word. Well one in particular uses that word a lot. He can't really help it. Being the self appointed Minister of Team Awesome and all. But that's not really what I wanted to write about today. Not directly anyway.

Awesome. I think I'm doing pretty awesome at the moment. Yes I joined the dating sites and I think it was a good test for me. I'm not opposed, but I'm not really chomping at the bit to go get all serious and involved and stuff.

I'm really quite content where I am at. I know, I know, "content" means it could be AWESOME, if I let it. And it really is. I still have sleepless nights though. Which suck. Bad.


I went out for the 2nd time since October. I was home at a decent time, but still couldn't freaking sleep! My brain, even slightly fogged by beer, would not stop running! It was one of those rare times when my content self says - what if it was AWESOME!?

Silly really, and they were not bad thoughts, I was not having a personal pity party with my pillows all night. I just was thinking. Day dreaming, but it was at night...but since I was awake I think it still qualifies as day dreaming? I don't really know but you do understand where I am going right?
Anyway, I have some really great people in my life right now. I have some wonderful, supportive friends. Friends that don't let me be too hard on myself, that call me on it when I do. You know who you are. And going out again made me realize that these are the people I need to focus on. They actually care about me. Yeah, so a drunk chick told me I was beautiful, thanks and stuff but really?

By the way - being a girl, if a girl tells you that you are beautiful and gorgeous (obviously she was drunk, I was SO styling in my gray khaki like pants, t shirt and hoodie) But anyway - are you supposed to compliment back? I just got to the point I could TAKE a compliment without telling people they are stupid and to shut up. Seriously, it's taken a lot for me to say "Thank you" and not "Thank you but..."

So what I was talking about. I like to drink, yes. I like to dance and I like to sing. I do not have to go to the bar to do this, but it is OK if I chose to do so. I can hang out with my friends and be completely sober and still have a blast. I'm just glad I'm seeing my options more clearly.

I wish I wasn't so isolated in my area though, I miss some friends. I have a couple of long distance friends that I really, REALLY enjoy talking/texting to and I just wish I could hang out more.


I guess that's where my fantasy things were going last night. "It would have been so much fun if so-and-so was here!" I really spent a good 2 hours thinking about how awesome it was that I had such great friends in my life. Which, if I have to be sleepless I'd rather it be over how lucky I am, than, I don't crying about being home alone on a Saturday with no love of my own. And I was not doing that - for the most part. Haha. OK come on, you know that thought had to pass at some point, but I was pretty comfy cuddling my pillows and thinking happy thoughts about people I care about.

Our Year 2010

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What Is Love?

Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...

If you don't know that line, then we probably can't be friends anymore. I finally got around to writing an article of the Ferry County View, well this would be my second article. The first one being an informational interview of a local celebrity - ha ha hardly. But he would probably like to think so!
Anyway I was asked to write a "Valentine" article, to make the paper more lovey-dovey holiday like. Yeah, if I went with my honest opinion of the holiday right now it would probably induce feelings of depression and hopelessness. Not that I actually feel that way, I'm not as jaded as you might think. But seriously - you want a single mom to write a lovey-dovey article about the most "romantic" day of the year? Good luck with that.

So I did the next best thing I do...second to giving my opinion whether requested or not, I gave facts, historical facts. I'm good at that! I love history, I really do. And I love the folklore and legends behind our current, modern holidays.

Modern, that's funny. Being that most of these "Christian" holidays have absolutely no foundations in Christianity, actually more likely adopted to the Pagan festivals to make it easier for Pagans to accept the Christian beliefs. This is a totally different subject, and one that I really don't feel like getting into right now.

Anyway, Valentine's day. A day where you go buy chocolates, flowers,jewelry or at least a nice card for someone you care about. AWESOME. I have lots of people I care about, so should I send each of my friends a valentine? Not really the custom as adults, however it is the custom in grade school.

Do I have a 'valentine' this year? If by Valentine you mean an imprisoned priest in love with me, sending me love notes through my father, no. And if you mean in more conventional, easier to understand terms, it's still no. Not really, I mean I have friends that I will probably send a card to, because, I do care about them.

Does that mean romantically? No. Friends are friends and each and every one of them should be cherished.

But I love the songs that come to mind when I think of Valentine's day. For instance my opening line, probably most recognized from Night at The Roxbury, one of my favorite movies.

I'm still doing pretty good on my goals, as far as dating. I had that one little mishap and that date to Wal-Mart, believe it or not that didn't go much further. Other than that I have not been in a relationship, well since September. Go me!

I did join a dating website.... yeah I know what you are thinking. Anyway, it was a holiday loneliness thing that overcame me and I did it ok? I might have even joined a couple. So what?! Don't judge me! Most of the people have not been even friendship material, or they just creep me out so bad I can't even respond. Something like that, but I have met a couple people that I have been corresponding with. And let me clarify, even in all my profile information it says "friendship" I can have friends. It's ok. It's healthy. And apparently online dating is still more widely accepted than World of Warcraft. Which I do not understand. I mean, you really get to know things about people while fighting side by side against the scourge. Geek? Yes, however, at this point you really shouldn't be surprised.

So LOVE, that's what this is about. Did you know that in the Pagan festivals of ancient Rome it was custom for boys to cut up the hide of the sacrificial goat and soak the strips of hide in blood then hit the women of Rome with those strips? Could you imagine?

Eww... however it symbolized fertility and women actually wanted to be hit with bloody goat hide. Oh and I also found it interesting that there was a romantic Lottery, where the eligible maidens would put their names in a giant urn (the symbolism there I will not even get into) and then the bachelors of the city would draw names and they would be paired for the following year. What I found even more interesting was that these pairings were stated to "often" end in marriage. 1. To use the word 'end' as they get married, and 2. Was this courtship? Was this just carnal lust for a year and then... "by the way dear, I'm going to go ahead and put my name back in the urn this year." Either way I found the images of that amusing. Of course the Pope deemed this un-Christian and outlawed the practice.

Just so we are clear... I do not hate St. Valentine's Day and I do not hate those of you madly and deeply in love and want to celebrate this. But I do challenge you to not over use this holiday and forget about all the other 364 days in the year. The people you love should be told daily, and reminded of how much you appreciate them! This goes for friends too! I'm horribly bad at this, I'm a very lazy friend, but I am working on it!

So go ahead and eat your chocolate (which is also a horrible tradition, when most people vow to eat healthier for New Years) Buy those flowers, make someone smile. Give a Valentine - or maybe a goat hide? Just do it more frequently than one day a year!




I Wish you all a happy Valentine's Day, oh...and yeah, I love you too.

Repost this if you believe...

These are probably the biggest pet peeve of mine. I’m not saying I care if you post them but it makes me feel bad that I don’t.  I mean logically. I believe what I believe, I am not ashamed to tell people what I believe, but at the same time. It’s no one else’s damn business what I believe!

Did I use ‘believe’ enough in that opening paragraph? I’m sure I could have put it in there a few more times if I tried.

Ok you all know what I’m talking about “I believe in God -80% of you will not repost this because you are ashamed or afraid someone will laugh at you, but you will worship celebrities and post mean things, and you’ll sleep through church but stay up for movies/games yada yada yada”  

First of all, I’m 30 years old.  If someone laughs at me or makes fun of me for a post that I put up, well then, I hope it was actually funny. But really, so what?  It’s not about being accepted by everyone on Facebook, at least not for me.  You all have your own beliefs, and most of you are adults and “mature” enough not to just flame someone because you don’t agree. So if I WANT to put something as my status I will, regardless of who might make fun of me.

Second of all, who am I really accountable towards?  Certainly my faith is not in the hands of the person who spammed the message in the first place, and that’s all we are really doing by reposting it.  Proving to everyone else on facebook – “Hey look guys, I did it, I believe, see I told you!”  Not really my thing. 

Thirdly, if God did read facebook status’, I don’t think he’s out there going uh-oh Rochelle didn’t post that spam email about how much she believes in me, and then proceeds to put a bad mark in my file.  I think he is much more concerned about the mean and hateful things he sees, or the nice and caring ones.  Not the ones that say look at me I believe. Those are just words, words written by someone else. They are not from your heart.  That’s the same as being a Sunday Christian, so what?  You posted it, are you living it?  Then who cares?! 

I personally think that good people are good people, regardless of religious beliefs and the other.   Bad people are bad people, they can even come in brightly colored packages that advertise Christian, I happen to know at least one of these types of deceiving “Christians”  and if I had to stand beside her and say what I believed I would have a really, really hard time saying we had the same beliefs. 

The point?  If you want to be a Christian awesome, if you really want to post those things, great.  But I don’t think of you as a great Christian because you do, and I will most likely not repost it. Mainly because I think the idea is ridiculous.

Crushes

Do you remember in grade school and you got your first crush on someone? Back then, they were just cute - because you probably didn't talk to them much. So it was how cute that person was.


When High School came around you might have added a little depth to that, he's cute and he's funny. But mostly it was still how hot they were. (Makes sense really, if you've ever read on the science of sex and attraction)

Even in my early 20's what I was looking for was someone I was obviously attracted too, and had some decent values - I didn't think much about how their passions in life would affect my life. Actually during that time, if I thought that was the person I wanted, I was willing to adapt my likes and dislikes to theirs, you know, to appear more attractive to them. Which is never smart. You are not only lying to that other person, but too yourself, and when the truth comes out - you just look and feel silly.

So now, that I've aged and matured...ha ha... I've realized that I still get crushes, but they aren't really based the same. I guess they are a little deeper. And obviously, physical attraction plays a huge part in it, and there is still a lot of the "he's nice" "he's funny" which I still kind of consider immature. Not fully, but to grow attached to someone just because they are nice to you isn't exactly healthy either.

But that's not even my issue. Let's say that there is a couple because I don't want to single anyone out. And actually that might be more truthful anyway. Actually let's pretend that I'm not talking about a present situation at all, and it's all hypothetical, yeah let's go with that...

I have friends, some of them are male. I don't even know how to write this without it sounding high school or making many of my male friends think that I'm fantasizing about them. Which this isn't even about. Basically, since leaving a marriage, and being a mom, my standards/attractions/needs have changed.

And for the record, my fantasies aren't really sexual at all, they are more like "My life would be perfect if..." And that's what I'm really trying to get at. IF. IF I did something about it for one thing, IF the circumstances were different. IF, IF, IF... Which is not a good place to be.

It's just like getting lost in my game, IF that was real it would be awesome - well except for that part where I die a lot, and well I guess if the full game was real and someone could heal or resurrect me I guess that would be ok, but it would hurt a lot. I guess that's kind of like life. If I let go and trusted myself to move on whatever I think I want to move on, it might be great, like I imagine but there are more opportunities for me to get hurt that way...

I feel like I'm in a downer mode lately, and I don't really mean to come across that way. It's just me working out my issues through typing. And believe me usually after I deal with it this way I'm able to move forward. Honestly, so if you think I'm bringing myself down, it's really quite the opposite.

Lately I have had a fantasy - hypothetically of course - or two - in my head, but because I know it's not real, yet wish that one of them were, so instead I sit here and pout that it's not real. Is that healthy? I think not. And what good is that doing me? Worrying about how something that will probably never happen could happen and fix my life forever. Stupid, and unrealistic. Because I'm old enough to know that nothing turns out "perfect." So even if one of my random fantasies happened to come true, it wouldn't turn out quite the way I imagined it of course.

So basically, I'm going to stop dwelling on situations that are not real, that are dreams, which are fine to have dreams. But to put too much stock in them is just not a good idea. Plain and simple.

That's not right, to have dreams and desires is good, and to have faith that your dreams will come true is not anything I discourage anyone from doing. But more on point is that dreaming, about a dream, and pouting that it's not coming true magically - without making any effort to make it come true - isn't healthy, and isn't going to get you anywhere.



So have your dreams, but do something to obtain them - don't sit and dwell and wonder why it's not.

*** This was actually very hard for me to publish, and it may not seem so, but much more personal and closer to my heart than many of the other posts.***

Yeah for Christmas Cards!!

Modern Cranberry Noir Christmas

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Markers

Like Crayola - but life's markers usually don't wash off. I suppose this is good because a lot our important times are great memories that we would be sad to lose with just a little soap and water. And, as much as we can sometimes wish that the harder memories would just disappear, I don't think that is what we want either, not really.

You've heard it before, without the rain we couldn't appreciate the sunshine, right? So I just keep telling myself that. Things go SO well, I'm happy, I forget, and then, it's like a sharpie stain on my hand that I see and go "Crap! I forgot how bad that hurt" (not physically, but well maybe if you had allergies to Sharpie ink..but I think we all know that's not what I really mean!)

Markers - memories - closure? I don't know, I can hope. Life's tattoos. It's quite a picture really, all your important milestones marked on your skin. Would they be gray scale or full color? Does it depend on the event? Or on the emotion? How would you tattoo your soul? I can picture myself covered in the ink of life and its happenings. Some would be beautiful and happy, others ugly and horrifying. And still others would surpass the beauty of everything else but remain the hardest, most tragic memories of all.

To me the best part of that kind of tattoo, is the lack of thought. Here I go comparing it to a book - and yes it's fantasy/sci-fi. Anyway, I was reading a book called City of Bones, and there is a supernatural race of half angel/half humans. And they protect themselves with runes inked on the skin. I think of that when I think of my body covered in tattoos of my memories and experiences. Chaotic in a way that makes sense. Beautiful, with no real design or plan. Not a lot of thought put into where each one goes, or what symbol I would chose to represent it, or the color. Something that just, well, happens. Appears. Which would be important and hard for me. Important because it took me 3 years to get ONE tattoo that I was sure I wanted. At that rate I wouldn't be inked from my childhood memories yet! Decisions - logic - pros and cons - these things take me awhile, most of the time anyway. Hard - because that would mean I don't have control, and giving up control is something I might have a couple small issues with, maybe.

The thing about the runes, which draws it closer to my analogy, is that when the rune was used, or changed, small scars were left behind. The average person could barely see them, but if the light was right these beings would be covered in delicate white scars. So are we. Not all scars mean something horrible has happened. But usually, when you go through something that causes a physical scarring, you come out stronger in at least one way.

So with this holiday, and the receipt of a great gift, a marker for my lost baby girl, I realize that maybe that scar isn't quite as healed as I thought it was. That wound is well on its way to a scab, but it still hurts when you pick at it. Thankfully, with any wound, even if picking at it prolongs the process, it will heal and I will have a beautiful scar on my soul.




I can't link videos but this is a good song, not found on Youtube but you can listen to it on Yahoo music. Saddest of Tattoos by Artie Tobia  

Another interesting Tattoo song, I find it very pretty, but sad too...

Sade, Like a Tattoo

I'm Thankful...

Some days it's hard to see all the blessings we have, it's easy to get wrapped up in what we want or need, or feel that we our lives are crap or whatever.
So today, in the spirit of the season, I'm making a list of all the things I'm thankful for. My kids may not be with me on Thanksgiving, and yes that is hard. But they will be with loved ones, who care about them.

I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful that my children have a father that loves them and sees them every week. I'm thankful for their step-mom who cares and loves for them also. My children are blessed to have 3 sisters and an older brother to care for them and share memories with.
I, personally, have a loving, wonderful mother to share my Thanksgiving day meal, and a brother whom I love very much. I am also thankful for my friend, and co-worker, Carrie, for joining us at our holiday dinner! When you can't be with family, be with friends, the company is usually good - because you can chose it- and the conversation is always interesting at least!
I may complain about living in an apartment, but I am very thankful for the space of three bedrooms and the heat from the baseboard heaters. It may be cold outside but we are warm and cozy in here.
I'm thankful for my car - it may not be new, but it runs great and provides the transportation we need.
I'm thankful for my job, and compassionate employer, my friend, Joy. I'm thankful for the laughs, the employment and the consistency in her friendship. I'm thankful for all of my co workers, and the kindness we all seem to have for each other. I'm so grateful that I am able to provide for them while they are with their dad and spend every day I have with them - home - WITH them!
I'm thankful that on my small income, I am not only able to survive, but thrive and that my children lack for nothing. They might not have ALL the most expensive toys, but they don't want for anything, almost to a fault!
I'm thankful for my community and the closeness and caring you get from a small town like this, everyone knows you, and everyone waves. It's a great place to raise my kids and I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to do that!
I'm grateful for my friends. Old and new, it is a wonderful journey getting to know people and to share a lifetime with the ones that stick around. I'm thankful for my friend Jessica and her wonderful family. I'm happy to say that I know her family almost as well as my own, something only a lifelong friendship could give me. I wouldn't want to lose that for anything!
I'm thankful for my health, and that of my children. I'm happy that I am able to provide for them and care for them. I am very blessed to have these two wonderful, healthy, smart, amazing children!
There are many things I am thankful for, many things that I am in awe that I have and have been given. I have a wonderful life, and I'm so happy that one days like these, I am able to reflect and recognize all the gifts that have been bestowed on me and mine. And I'm able to forget the hardships and hurts that I have felt over the years. Because those things, we learn from the hurt, and we move on, but if we dwell and feel sorry for ourselves we can never really appreciate all the blessings we have right in front of us.
So today, even if you are going through a hard time in your life, take stock, see the good, and love the people who are around you. Cling to the good this holiday season, and if possible, let the bad be forgotten for a little while.
I love you all! Have a very happy Thanksgiving!

I think I pee'd my pants...

So I keep going back to making decisions and sticking to them. And it's just crazy for me to think of all the decisions we make when we are young, without a seconds worth of thought to how our future will look because of this. Like when Tristin insists he doesn't have to pee, but wets his pants 3 minutes later, and now we have wet pants. And usually I have a little boy telling me he didn't pee his pants. Really? Because your crotch is a distinctly different color than the rest of your pants, are you SURE you didn't pee? And how come kids don't understand sarcasm? So many witty remarks I waste on them a day.

That's a funny thought though, as I raise my kids with my sarcasm what am I creating? Incredibly smart - ass - children? I hope not! I don't think I use it in rude ways, just obvious. Like the peeing of your pants, I can kind of SEE that you did it, I don't really have to ask, but since I did, I am definitely going to point out that I know you are lying to me. And I still think it's a better way of addressing the very simple lie. Instead of calling him a liar and telling him he lied, I'm giving him the evidence that tells me he is lying and usually, most times, he will say, in his sweet little voice "Actually mama, I did pee, just a lil-blip" Which means "a little bit"

I wish life was as simple as determining whether someone wet their pants or not. I wish everything was that black and white. That every decision was that easy. If I wet my pants people are going to know, it's going to stink, and I'm going to have to change or be very uncomfortable until I do. So I don't. Or do I? Maybe not physically but metaphorically I think I probably pee my pants at least a couple times a week.

I know, right now you are thinking - why do I read these blogs? She pees her pants metaphorically? Really? What a WEIRDO! But think about it. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure you make decisions all the time that you KNOW are a bad idea, you know the consequences you know that if you do such and such it's not going to be good in a little while, you are going to be uncomfortable until you get a change.

I did that this weekend actually. Luckily, I was alone, I was gaming - so not really alone, but to all of you that do not understand my fantasy world of swords and death knights you would think I'm alone. But I'm not, I have night elf druid friends and lots of others too! I even hang out with a dwarf or a gnome every once in awhile. Anyway so I was playing my game, doing a raid, which is like a large dungeon with many different bosses and strategies needed to succeed, and when you finish you get some cool title like "King Slayer" which I don't have but sometimes I do get some cool gear. ANYWAY I decided to have a lil blip of wine. That little bit turned into almost 2 bottles. I actually do not remember going to bed, thank goodness I was alone and I didn't have any awkward waking with a stranger and asking them how I got to bed. It was interesting to log onto my game and see where I was - in the game. And a little embarrassing to get back in with my game friends and hear what I may have said over the Ventrilo system. (which is where I get really cool and put on my headset and talk to people in the game and listen to them too) See I'm social!
The point I'm getting at is - as I was drinking this wine, I knew that it was going to suck the next morning - and it did. And there was nothing I could do but change my pants and let the moment - hours - until I felt better- pass. So is life. Some of these decisions are not so easy, not so apparent as what your end result is going to be. These are the decisions I wish we could do without. For instance, my sarcasm and its usage while with my children. Will this make them witty and smart and loved by all, or quite the opposite? I don't know! I don't know many things, I'm just now realizing this. I guess that's the phase of life I am in.
I went through that "I Know Everything" one and now I'm at the "I don't know jack" phase - kind of like infancy but worse because if I pee my pants now, I gotta change them myself.
Oh - on a non pants peeing note, I quit smoking again. Yeah, I know, AGAIN!? This time I'm sticking to it, I've decided that if I can weed people out of my life based on the pros and cons they give me, then I really shouldn't have a hard time quitting something that gives me almost ZERO pros and a whole lot of cons. So that's kind of like JUST now realizing I've been "peeing my pants" for a year and quitting, and finally changing. I'm going to put my stubborn pants on now. I can be quite good at that. Making a decision and sticking to it because I can, more than because I should. Which this time both are good reasons to make a decision.

Ever take a look at yourself and think - I am a stubborn ass! I did. And I am. I don't think this is always a bad thing but maybe it needs a little moderating. I don't want to pee my pants forever, and as I'm not getting any younger it's getting a little more difficult to control. Lifelong stubborn habits are hard to break!

What was my point with this? Well, don't tell stupid lies. Like ones that are very evident by the dark spot on your jeans. And don't make stupid decisions that cause those stupid lies because you pissed your damn pants! Be smart, think it through, and realize, every single thing you do today will come around and effect you again, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a bad way, but it will happen.

Just, well quit peeing your pants people! Even if it's just a "lil blip"

Some things should never be public...

This has to do with FaceBook, as a lot of my inspiration for writing comes from. If it offends anyone, I'm sorry but it's true!
I'm sure we are all somewhat guilty of this, as I know I am for sure. With things like Face Book and Myspace it's really easy to put almost every detail of your life out for everyone to read. For instance, even in mood status, and if someone says they are in a bad mood, the chances of someone asking 'Why?' are quite high. Which means that the probability of that person venting into the exact reason they are in bad mood, is even higher. Leaving it out for not just the person that inquired but all of your "friends" and all of their friends, and if your privacy settings are really liberal, anyone that looks you up!
Without these tools of the internet who would know about your bad mood? Close friends, maybe one or two, and a parent or something like that? So why would we want to share stuff that we would normally reserve for very close friends and family with the entire web population?
Recently, I went on a date...lots of people know this, and quite a few know some details. I really tried not to put too much on my facebook because someone else is going to read this, and it could get back to the other person, and it would be hurtful to them. Possibly anyway. I have shared even more than I needed in my divorce. Granted, at least, right now, my kids can't read it. And sometimes writing on face book helps me not to have a telephone conversation while my kids are in the room. I really try hard to shelter them from my annoyances with their father. But really should the whole town, and more, know about my divorce and what my ex husband is doing?? No. They shouldn't. Should I be projecting every little thing he does that annoys or hurts me to all of my friends, 320 of them? No. I shouldn't. I am ashamed I have done this. I complained, mostly on Myspace, about my most recent ex. This I must admit was more to get his attention than anything. But it's definitely not the right way to deal with a relationship.
I was reading my live news feeds and saw that someone is having relationship problems, I know that the other part of the relationship reads the same thing, if not more, than I do. I've seen her replies to his posts in the past. So anyway, and I'm sorry if you are the one I'm talking about and reading this, I'm really not trying to offend, but it's advice whether it's wanted or not. ANYWAY - this person was complaining that issues within the relationship are being discussed with friends of the other person - who are of the opposite sex, and not dealt with inside the relationship. However, is going to a friend (guy or girl) really any different then posting that you are having problems about problems on Facebook? Still doesn't seem right. Bashing that person and they way they are in the relationship cannot be healthy nor helpful.
Even in person, if I'm having a problem with my partner - which I don't have at the moment! (This is a good thing!) - and I call up my bestie and bitch and moan and complain and run that person down, how are they supposed to help me? That is not helpful, that is not solving anything. If you are at that point that all you can do is judge and pick apart the other persons actions and words, then well you don't really want to fix things. By what you are saying all you are asking for is someone to agree with you, which will inflame you more, and make any attempts in the future to mend things that much harder.
And furthermore, I have complained about boyfriends and my ex husband to even just my friends and my mom, and then worked things out. But when you do your best to convince someone that this person is doing you wrong in some way, it puts a sour taste in their mouth about that person. So then you are stuck trying to defend the person you are with, and the reasons you are still with them to someone you just spent a great deal of energy trying to convince that this person was so horrible, or inconsiderate, or dumb, or cheating, or whatever...
I, personally, trust very few people to listen to me really complain about someone, someone that can tell me to settle down, look at the overall picture, if I'm not happy, how can I fix it? That is what friends are...and I do not count all of my 320 friends close enough relationships to ask everyone's advice. The majority of the people who will read my comment, completely out of context will take my side and tell me I'm right. Do I like to hear that? Yes, is it going to help me solve anything? No. Sometimes I do ask for advice and I expect to have all spectrums of solutions...but that's a different subject.
I see MANY people exploit their spouses or friends or feelings in general. And I see many that never bring that element into their facebook page. There is a huge difference in their "drama" levels.
Now keep in mind, I fully admit to seeing my guilt in this, and with this blog, I vow to change that! I vow to keep my mouth shut in general a little bit more. We all know I talk too much, it's something I've done since apparently I learned how to talk. Sometimes I think I run out of "normal" things to talk about so I throw in whatever else I can think of, giving up WAY too many details or information than that person should be privileged to have.
I guess my point is, if you value your real friends, use them appropriately. My real friends get my deepest, darkest, craziest secrets. Those are the ones that matter, they really care. The others, they don't need to know all the juicy details to my life! If you value someone and value your relationship, work on it together, not with all your facebook friends that really don't know enough to help, and aren't close enough to give you the sound genuine advice or support that you need.
Most of all, if you wouldn't want to read it about yourself, maybe you should think twice about writing it about someone else...

I'm Not Perfect

I had a very interesting weekend. Not so much my actions and decisions but how I'm now affected by them, especially compared to how it affected me a year ago.


I have been really happy lately. Ok well I don't if that is completely true, obviously if I feel the way I do now I couldn't have been perfectly happy. But I have been very content with my life as a single mom. Not that I haven't ever thought about changing that, but I've been ok on my own.

I went out this weekend for the first time in 6 months, I had a good time, saw some friends I haven't seen in a long time. But the thing is, it wasn't me, it was the other me. The one that parties, that's carefree, that does what she wants and doesn't care. The one that can't get hurt.

I do get hurt, and I hate it when I have no one to blame but, well, Me. I put myself in bad moods, I open up doors to things that just cause pain. Why? Why would I want to do that? Runs in the family I guess, my dad always seemed to be on self-destruct mode. Things would be great and he would do something to make it fail, sometimes it was just a negative mood or thought that could do it.

So anyway, it has been a year since my first relationship after the divorce. It seems crazy to think it went by that fast. So one year and two relationships later. Relationships not founded on the right reasons. I don't want to repeat that. I have already said that I'm on hiatus from dating anyway. But the year mark made me really think about it again. Not out of yearning, but out of contemplation of the past decisions, and how to go about it differently. I think it's a good idea to have the next eleven months to figure that out!

I was talking with a friend the other day. And I really understood something about myself. Where they have put their standards so high as to not have to look at all, "what's the point?" I have my standards so high I don't figure anyone can meet them so I settle for something less, usually way less than what I really want. Which brings up another point. If they are YOUR standards, how can they be "too" high? They should be high, this is your life, your decision to share it with someone else, you should be able to get what you want, and exactly that. And if that right person comes along and meets 9/10 standards, well I think at that point your heart can tell you if it's worth the consideration to accept that difference. If not, then, no, keep looking.

So I got my standards, and they are pretty high. But no more of this stupid drunk stuff, I am so much better than that! I am a great person, and I deserve the same.

Even as I say that, anyone that knows me, I knock myself down more than anyone else has a chance too. Not that they would, but it's almost like I have to insult myself so no one else gets an opportunity. I always do it as a joke, make it seem like I really don't mean that, but to say it, I must mean it a little.

My newest goal? No more bars. Just not going to do it. I can drink with friends, but real friends. Not bar friends. (There are some people I would be friends with at the bar, but I think it's healthier for me to work on those genuine friendships more than go to bar just to see them!) Besides, that just becomes an excuse to go out. And I don't need that!

I want some real, true friends. I have a couple. But very few people I would trust with my inner person. Everyone else gets the 'social, public, goes along with anything, can't say no to anyone, can't be mean to anyone, I don't care what we do, as long as it makes you happy' Rochelle. There are a couple people that know the real me, that care to know the real me. The rest I usually lock out, keep it secret, because to let them in, well that allows them to have access to the part of me that I let hurt. And I don't like to do that!

So Goals for this next quarter - yes I'm working in quarters now.

1. No more bars, (easy..Done!)

2. Make real friends (MALE AND FEMALE!) I'm getting sick of hearing that I can't have guy FRIENDS without it being something more, or them being Gay. Really people, we are adults, lets act that way!

3. Quit smoking.

4. Exercise more! I'm not in bad shape, but I could be in a lot better!


Bars, Smoking, Exercise - all revolve around will power. #2 takes effort, time, and REALness, if that makes any sense. Anyway, that's what I 'm doing. So if I'm a little more attentive to you in the next couple months, it's because I want to be your friend, not your whatever...

Instant Gratification (Politically Minded) You've been warned...

I was thinking about internet dependency, still, and I realized that this generation is one that expects everything instantly. And it doesn't just revolve around what products we want to order online, or getting a response via text. We think that way for everything now.


20 years ago we would never expect a president to come into the situation our nation is in and expect INSTANT results - and in a 4-8 year term, 2 years is still pretty instant if you are expecting miracles. Even when we had Clinton, it wasn't instant, but looking back he was a pretty amazing president and did a lot for us.

I guess it's just frustrating to see how impatient we are as a people. I try to be patient, I really do. But it's hard when I know I can get what I want immediately if I use the right sources. Which makes those other things even harder to wait for!

I won't lie, I'm disappointed with the majority of the election results. I am a democrat, I was raised that way, my mom was raised that way. I don't try to change others minds, but I don't mind a well educated debate on topics every once in awhile.

An uneducated one however, is not something I willingly engage in. I get so frustrated with people who talk about issues like they know something, and THEY DON'T. They can't offer a single FACT to support their beliefs, their beliefs that are tweaked a little from their neighbor who got their ideas from their neighbor, and maybe about twenty people back there was some truth and understanding in why someone feels the way they do about the current political state. But the person I always end up talking to is just saying what they heard, and adapted to themselves with absolutely no knowledge of the facts.

I am not going to say that I think Obama is the best president we have ever had, I am not going to say I agree with all of this policies. I do think we have not given him a chance to change anything, and blocked any attempt he has made to help the nation. I respect him a great deal for the job he took on, and I think of him as an incredibly smart, respectable man. There, that's how I feel, without getting into the nitty-gritty.

What does frustrate me is the lack of respect we have, as a nation, for our President. I think I've said this before, but I remember how if ANYONE said anything negative about PERFECT President Bush you were unpatriotic and not supporting our LEADER. The one that the nation's majority voted into office. I took that and learned from it. I really did, I quit saying how much I hated him and his policies and his war games. I respected that this is who we have, and trusted him to not screw us up too bad. See where that got us?? And now we have a new president, the one that the nation's majority voted into office and so many people that told me to respect the old disrespect and speak hate for the new. How two-faced and hypocritical, shame on you that have done this! Even if you dislike the president and did not vote for him, he is still our president, our leader, the chosen one for our nation for at least four years. If you have problems with his policies, get political and do something about, quit bitching about something you have no intention of doing anything about...in other words, whining doesn't get anyone anywhere. Action does.

Another heated debate that I am most positive most people will not agree with me on is Immigration. I got into this a little bit last night. I am not saying that things don't need to change, and that better policies don't need to be put in place. But I do think that we "Americans" are pretty damn high and mighty to say no one else can be an American now. My Great Grandmother was an 'illegal immigrant' and the thoughts back then were not very kind towards the Irish. Irish were hated by many in these FINE states, they stole jobs and had large families. What is the difference now guys? You realize that Mexico used to OWN California right? That we took it from them? So whose land is it anyway? I don't think fencing our country in and closing people out is going to help anyone. People say it's the jobs that hurt us. That the Mexican immigrants are taking away all our jobs. Which to me, is crap. There were orchards that went unpicked because no one would go work for an orchard, while how many hundreds of people sat on unemployment because they were too good to pick apples for a living? Without immigrants no self-respecting 'white' person is going to do that crap work. And if the apples don't get picked, they don't get sold, and if they don't get sold the orchard goes out of business, and everyone loses their job. How does that help the economy?

Ok so I've ranted quite a bit, and strayed really long way from instant gratification. Sorry.

Anyway I guess what I really wanted to make a point of is, that nothing good comes easily or quickly. Give this president a chance, if that is even possible with the House the way it is now. Have some patience and if you are really unhappy with something, do something about it. Don't sit there and whine about it. Write someone, or something, get educated on the matter, then you can actually sit down and talk about it!



Much love to you all!

Internet Addictions...

Ok so first of all, I have to admit I'm taking this spin completely from a friend who has been writing about it for awhile now. I totally understand where she is coming from. And well I feel bad that I haven't written a letter to prove I'm her friend. (Not that she is asking this)

What I have learned, about myself, since reading her experience of giving up the internet for 10 days, is kind of refreshing. Am I dependant on the internet? Most definitely. Would I go crazy if I didn't have it ever day? Yes I would, in fact, if the cable internet isn't working when I want to drink my coffee and check my friends on FaceBook, I get kind of cranky. However...the friends that I really consider FRIENDS I still talk to on a regular basis in real life. And I find it completely interesting and amazing that there are so many more people I'm able to connect with online.

Is it easy? Of course! Real relationships take time and effort, and cell phone minutes! My closest friends I would STILL go a week or more without talking to if I didn't have the internet. I'm busy, they are busy, kids are busy. And I don't have all day to talk on the phone to catch up with everyone. Should I make more time? Sure. But see, I might check in every once in awhile online, but I don't play my games anymore, and I don't let the internet be a priority. I feel rude to my kids if I spend all day on the phone, and they notice, as soon as I pick up the phone they are in my face. But I also feel the same way about the computer. And they do notice that too! If I'm on here for any extended amount of time, they become increasingly needy. Sometimes I find myself getting annoyed at them, then I realize, all they want is Mom's attention - and not to share it with a monitor. So we turn off the computer for most of the day. When I'm bored and they are occupied I might get on for a minute, but otherwise, my real addictions wait till after bedtime.

My addiction? Not really the INTERNET, but a game in specific. Which is the real reason I don't play the FaceBook games, who has time for those when I have gear to earn and honor points to obtain? There are dragons people, DRAGONS needing me to slay them with my 5 man team of warriors. (and the forts we make from their corpses are pretty cool too) We have to fight the Horde for the good of the Alliance and dance in there bank while they try to kill us, sometimes I just like to chill out in skeleton costume and dance the undead metal dance. See??? This is my addiction, World of Warcraft. And in the past it has gotten bad, where I spent hours all day, putting off chores and putting off kids, turning on movies and getting irritated at my distractions of daily life. But I don't anymore. I only play when the kids are in bed or on weekends when I don't have REAL LIFE to attend to. It is not a priority, per se, but it is my entertainment. I don't really watch movies, or much TV, I read books occasionally. But after 7:30, when my kids are sleeping soundly, I'm bored. So, judge me if you will, but it's what I enjoy.

And now, you all have permission to forever call me a geek.  But whatev's I don't care about your stinkin labels! I'm a geek and I'm proud!!!

Like anything, it can be taken too far. The internet has made a lot of us dependant. It has made a lot of us "lazy" friends. But like I said, there are a lot of people I keep in touch with now, that I would never be able to without it, so it's all in moderation. Enjoy it if you can, but know your limit - kind of like drinking huh? And addiction is just that, no matter it's disguise!

The Politics of Bullies

Normally I try to stay out of politics, especially in my blogs, but this was something I couldn't ignore, and has been heavy on my heart since the first incident was publicized. All I can think about is that could be my child, or my child's friend. Dealing with a tragedy like this effects all of us...please don't forget that as you read this.



April, bullied for her weight



With all these horrible incidents of suicide, related to bullying, coming up in the media. Incidents that have been happening for awhile, it's hard to watch all the politics involved. I get so frustrated listening to the left and right sides of the story.

Bottom line, our kids need protected, and if we can put a better policy into effect to help our teaching staff do so, then we should all be for it 110%

After listening to Anderson Cooper's Interview with Candi Cushman, I am even more upset! Focus on the Family is a great organization, I get it, but it's so idealistic vs. realistic. No, I don't think we should be teaching kindergartners the in's and out's of being a homosexual family. But in the same breath I don't want sexual education teaching all the in's and out's of heterosexuality! But I do think by learning tolerance at a young age it helps us keep an open mind as we grow up.

Phoebe, bullied for accused
sexual activity and race

Think about racial issues of the past. Most people our age have no issue interacting with people of other races. People a generation ago, raised with and taught racial biased, have a much harder time adjusting. It's the same thing. You don't have to agree with homosexuality to be a respectful person. It's not your problem is it? A man marrying a man today is not so much different than an African American marrying a Caucasian 20 years ago. It's not your life, leave it alone.

It makes me sad to see all these young lives cut short. Wasn't it hard enough being in junior high without all this crap? And who knows if all these kids that took their own lives were actually homosexual? How many times have you heard, or even said, "Quit being gay," knowing fully that the person you were talking to was straight? How many of these boys were just late bloomers, had that young, feminine look? And were not strong enough to handle the pressures and stigma of being accused of a lifestyle that is still too taboo to deal with in public?

Saying , "Bullying is Bad," isn't working, we need to change that. There are so many ways kids are picked on, have been picked on, bullies have been around since public school started. Yes we should encourage all bullying to stop, but if studies prove that by naming the problem it helps, then by all means, NAME IT! Overweight kids, short kids, tall kids, homosexual kids. ALL OF THEM NEED PROTECTION. I know that when the sexual harassment laws were passed for work, having a name, something to talk about, helped the victims, and shut up the offenders. If you know for a fact that you are not supposed to do something, specifically, you are less likely to offend. If you know that you aren't supposed to tell explicit nasty jokes in the work place, you will probably think twice about the company you are with before you do it, correct? So kids, who do like rules, will probably think about their wording more if they aren't allowed to say "gay" and "faggot." And the kids being called such names will have a defense when they go to a teacher, counselor or parent.

Jared, bullied for his size.

Another thing that irritates me about this whole thing is that the Focus on the Family side wants to say homosexuals are pushing their "agenda." First of all, I wasn't aware that there was a movement to make everyone homosexual. Do they have a recruitment office or something? Are they giving out cookies? Being open-minded and asking for equal rights has been going on for as long as I can remember, regardless of the issue at hand. Second of all, what about the religious agenda? What about freedom of religion? If we can't push one agenda how can we push another? How does that work? In the clip at the bottom of this blog, Candi Cushman says that they believe "all children are created in God's image." Ok, that's fine, I agree with that, but does everyone in the nation believe that? So if not everyone believes that homosexuality is 'ok' or Christian, well how can we assume everyone in the nation believes in the Christian God?

I wish we could just go back to the Declaration of Independence, remember those words?

"We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

In closing, before you judge ANYONE, or any policy, think about how this declaration applies to you, and how you would feel if any of your unalienable Rights, were taken away.

* Pictures featured in this blog are of kids who took their own lives because of depression and bullying. Please note that it is far more reaching than just sexual orientation.

Anderson Cooper's Interview on CNN

Sarah Silverman's Message to America on what we teach our kids.

***Public school is not your only option, if you greatly disagree to the new anti-bullying and the teaching of tolerance to all individuals and lifestyles, there are numerous Christian schools, and of course, Home School.***

Love Is a Finicky Thing...

...to a lot of people anyway. Ok so I know I just decided to take a break from dating, and this is NOT about me deciding to stray from that plan. I'm very happy now that I made my decision, and the decision to stick with it!


However, I get to sit back and watch people make the same mistakes over and over again. And yet every time they start, they think it's the best thing in the world. I guess that's the great thing about "love" or lust I think is more appropriate at that stage. So for a week it will be posts about how wonderful and amazing life is, and then in a month it will be crap.

I've always been someone who takes some time, usually a lot of time, to say those three little words. Maybe this is because I've been on the receiving end - too early - too many times. And it makes me uncomfortable. There are few people that I say "I love you" to. And to those people, I say it often, because I really do love them! I have to admit that the last relationship, I said it early, way early, and I should have known better, I hadn't even gotten to know this person and here I was saying those committing words. That right there should be a warning - if by saying those words I feel committed, and worried about it, then I definitely shouldn't be saying it!

The other side of the story is - Those who fall in and out of love so easily, tend to base their whole world on the status of their numerous relationships. Every time I have decided to be single I have been happy, with myself. And I think this is HUGE for anyone! How can you love another if you can't stand to be alone with yourself?

I'm sure I sound all high and mighty about relationships, and some might take this as my jealousy towards those in happy unions. But that's not it at all. I just see what I have been doing, but through others actions and it makes me more confident that this is the best decision for me right now.

I wish I could tell some of these people these things without getting criticism or defense, but I can't, so I will empty my thoughts here. I guess it's the hardest for me to see friends jump from one relationship, directly to another without a minute to breathe. I did this, and I at least had a couple months in between - still I feel like I just JUMPED and rebounded, over and over again. And there is a couple of friends with kids in the mix. I still feel horrible for the two people I got my kids close to. I feel so guilty for doing that too them. Divorce was hard enough but letting more people into their lives for me to just decide that it wasn't right? Wrong Mom! You should have figured it out BEFORE your kids got used to seeing these people on a daily basis!

And I know that I didn't feel this guilt until the relationships were over, or almost over, and I realized what I did again. And I know that these people don't see it now, but it's happening. Those little hearts are getting attached to the one you are with, and when you break up, they will have no concept of why or how. And you are going to be left explaining why that person isn't around, and won't be around anymore. I know, because I answer these questions often.

I'm happy that right now I am in control of my happiness and my destination - and I know that no matter what I will remain in control. As long as I stay with this ideal, I will remain strong, and healthy, relationship or not. I will not be brought down because someone is in a bad mood. I will determine how I feel, based on HOW I FEEL, not someone else!

I wish I could spread that to more people - by example I guess. Maybe we are all separate halves of a whole - looking to be complete. But I want my half to be as whole and stable as possible before I attach it to someone else!