Markers

Like Crayola - but life's markers usually don't wash off. I suppose this is good because a lot our important times are great memories that we would be sad to lose with just a little soap and water. And, as much as we can sometimes wish that the harder memories would just disappear, I don't think that is what we want either, not really.

You've heard it before, without the rain we couldn't appreciate the sunshine, right? So I just keep telling myself that. Things go SO well, I'm happy, I forget, and then, it's like a sharpie stain on my hand that I see and go "Crap! I forgot how bad that hurt" (not physically, but well maybe if you had allergies to Sharpie ink..but I think we all know that's not what I really mean!)

Markers - memories - closure? I don't know, I can hope. Life's tattoos. It's quite a picture really, all your important milestones marked on your skin. Would they be gray scale or full color? Does it depend on the event? Or on the emotion? How would you tattoo your soul? I can picture myself covered in the ink of life and its happenings. Some would be beautiful and happy, others ugly and horrifying. And still others would surpass the beauty of everything else but remain the hardest, most tragic memories of all.

To me the best part of that kind of tattoo, is the lack of thought. Here I go comparing it to a book - and yes it's fantasy/sci-fi. Anyway, I was reading a book called City of Bones, and there is a supernatural race of half angel/half humans. And they protect themselves with runes inked on the skin. I think of that when I think of my body covered in tattoos of my memories and experiences. Chaotic in a way that makes sense. Beautiful, with no real design or plan. Not a lot of thought put into where each one goes, or what symbol I would chose to represent it, or the color. Something that just, well, happens. Appears. Which would be important and hard for me. Important because it took me 3 years to get ONE tattoo that I was sure I wanted. At that rate I wouldn't be inked from my childhood memories yet! Decisions - logic - pros and cons - these things take me awhile, most of the time anyway. Hard - because that would mean I don't have control, and giving up control is something I might have a couple small issues with, maybe.

The thing about the runes, which draws it closer to my analogy, is that when the rune was used, or changed, small scars were left behind. The average person could barely see them, but if the light was right these beings would be covered in delicate white scars. So are we. Not all scars mean something horrible has happened. But usually, when you go through something that causes a physical scarring, you come out stronger in at least one way.

So with this holiday, and the receipt of a great gift, a marker for my lost baby girl, I realize that maybe that scar isn't quite as healed as I thought it was. That wound is well on its way to a scab, but it still hurts when you pick at it. Thankfully, with any wound, even if picking at it prolongs the process, it will heal and I will have a beautiful scar on my soul.




I can't link videos but this is a good song, not found on Youtube but you can listen to it on Yahoo music. Saddest of Tattoos by Artie Tobia  

Another interesting Tattoo song, I find it very pretty, but sad too...

Sade, Like a Tattoo

I'm Thankful...

Some days it's hard to see all the blessings we have, it's easy to get wrapped up in what we want or need, or feel that we our lives are crap or whatever.
So today, in the spirit of the season, I'm making a list of all the things I'm thankful for. My kids may not be with me on Thanksgiving, and yes that is hard. But they will be with loved ones, who care about them.

I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful that my children have a father that loves them and sees them every week. I'm thankful for their step-mom who cares and loves for them also. My children are blessed to have 3 sisters and an older brother to care for them and share memories with.
I, personally, have a loving, wonderful mother to share my Thanksgiving day meal, and a brother whom I love very much. I am also thankful for my friend, and co-worker, Carrie, for joining us at our holiday dinner! When you can't be with family, be with friends, the company is usually good - because you can chose it- and the conversation is always interesting at least!
I may complain about living in an apartment, but I am very thankful for the space of three bedrooms and the heat from the baseboard heaters. It may be cold outside but we are warm and cozy in here.
I'm thankful for my car - it may not be new, but it runs great and provides the transportation we need.
I'm thankful for my job, and compassionate employer, my friend, Joy. I'm thankful for the laughs, the employment and the consistency in her friendship. I'm thankful for all of my co workers, and the kindness we all seem to have for each other. I'm so grateful that I am able to provide for them while they are with their dad and spend every day I have with them - home - WITH them!
I'm thankful that on my small income, I am not only able to survive, but thrive and that my children lack for nothing. They might not have ALL the most expensive toys, but they don't want for anything, almost to a fault!
I'm thankful for my community and the closeness and caring you get from a small town like this, everyone knows you, and everyone waves. It's a great place to raise my kids and I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to do that!
I'm grateful for my friends. Old and new, it is a wonderful journey getting to know people and to share a lifetime with the ones that stick around. I'm thankful for my friend Jessica and her wonderful family. I'm happy to say that I know her family almost as well as my own, something only a lifelong friendship could give me. I wouldn't want to lose that for anything!
I'm thankful for my health, and that of my children. I'm happy that I am able to provide for them and care for them. I am very blessed to have these two wonderful, healthy, smart, amazing children!
There are many things I am thankful for, many things that I am in awe that I have and have been given. I have a wonderful life, and I'm so happy that one days like these, I am able to reflect and recognize all the gifts that have been bestowed on me and mine. And I'm able to forget the hardships and hurts that I have felt over the years. Because those things, we learn from the hurt, and we move on, but if we dwell and feel sorry for ourselves we can never really appreciate all the blessings we have right in front of us.
So today, even if you are going through a hard time in your life, take stock, see the good, and love the people who are around you. Cling to the good this holiday season, and if possible, let the bad be forgotten for a little while.
I love you all! Have a very happy Thanksgiving!

I think I pee'd my pants...

So I keep going back to making decisions and sticking to them. And it's just crazy for me to think of all the decisions we make when we are young, without a seconds worth of thought to how our future will look because of this. Like when Tristin insists he doesn't have to pee, but wets his pants 3 minutes later, and now we have wet pants. And usually I have a little boy telling me he didn't pee his pants. Really? Because your crotch is a distinctly different color than the rest of your pants, are you SURE you didn't pee? And how come kids don't understand sarcasm? So many witty remarks I waste on them a day.

That's a funny thought though, as I raise my kids with my sarcasm what am I creating? Incredibly smart - ass - children? I hope not! I don't think I use it in rude ways, just obvious. Like the peeing of your pants, I can kind of SEE that you did it, I don't really have to ask, but since I did, I am definitely going to point out that I know you are lying to me. And I still think it's a better way of addressing the very simple lie. Instead of calling him a liar and telling him he lied, I'm giving him the evidence that tells me he is lying and usually, most times, he will say, in his sweet little voice "Actually mama, I did pee, just a lil-blip" Which means "a little bit"

I wish life was as simple as determining whether someone wet their pants or not. I wish everything was that black and white. That every decision was that easy. If I wet my pants people are going to know, it's going to stink, and I'm going to have to change or be very uncomfortable until I do. So I don't. Or do I? Maybe not physically but metaphorically I think I probably pee my pants at least a couple times a week.

I know, right now you are thinking - why do I read these blogs? She pees her pants metaphorically? Really? What a WEIRDO! But think about it. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure you make decisions all the time that you KNOW are a bad idea, you know the consequences you know that if you do such and such it's not going to be good in a little while, you are going to be uncomfortable until you get a change.

I did that this weekend actually. Luckily, I was alone, I was gaming - so not really alone, but to all of you that do not understand my fantasy world of swords and death knights you would think I'm alone. But I'm not, I have night elf druid friends and lots of others too! I even hang out with a dwarf or a gnome every once in awhile. Anyway so I was playing my game, doing a raid, which is like a large dungeon with many different bosses and strategies needed to succeed, and when you finish you get some cool title like "King Slayer" which I don't have but sometimes I do get some cool gear. ANYWAY I decided to have a lil blip of wine. That little bit turned into almost 2 bottles. I actually do not remember going to bed, thank goodness I was alone and I didn't have any awkward waking with a stranger and asking them how I got to bed. It was interesting to log onto my game and see where I was - in the game. And a little embarrassing to get back in with my game friends and hear what I may have said over the Ventrilo system. (which is where I get really cool and put on my headset and talk to people in the game and listen to them too) See I'm social!
The point I'm getting at is - as I was drinking this wine, I knew that it was going to suck the next morning - and it did. And there was nothing I could do but change my pants and let the moment - hours - until I felt better- pass. So is life. Some of these decisions are not so easy, not so apparent as what your end result is going to be. These are the decisions I wish we could do without. For instance, my sarcasm and its usage while with my children. Will this make them witty and smart and loved by all, or quite the opposite? I don't know! I don't know many things, I'm just now realizing this. I guess that's the phase of life I am in.
I went through that "I Know Everything" one and now I'm at the "I don't know jack" phase - kind of like infancy but worse because if I pee my pants now, I gotta change them myself.
Oh - on a non pants peeing note, I quit smoking again. Yeah, I know, AGAIN!? This time I'm sticking to it, I've decided that if I can weed people out of my life based on the pros and cons they give me, then I really shouldn't have a hard time quitting something that gives me almost ZERO pros and a whole lot of cons. So that's kind of like JUST now realizing I've been "peeing my pants" for a year and quitting, and finally changing. I'm going to put my stubborn pants on now. I can be quite good at that. Making a decision and sticking to it because I can, more than because I should. Which this time both are good reasons to make a decision.

Ever take a look at yourself and think - I am a stubborn ass! I did. And I am. I don't think this is always a bad thing but maybe it needs a little moderating. I don't want to pee my pants forever, and as I'm not getting any younger it's getting a little more difficult to control. Lifelong stubborn habits are hard to break!

What was my point with this? Well, don't tell stupid lies. Like ones that are very evident by the dark spot on your jeans. And don't make stupid decisions that cause those stupid lies because you pissed your damn pants! Be smart, think it through, and realize, every single thing you do today will come around and effect you again, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a bad way, but it will happen.

Just, well quit peeing your pants people! Even if it's just a "lil blip"

Some things should never be public...

This has to do with FaceBook, as a lot of my inspiration for writing comes from. If it offends anyone, I'm sorry but it's true!
I'm sure we are all somewhat guilty of this, as I know I am for sure. With things like Face Book and Myspace it's really easy to put almost every detail of your life out for everyone to read. For instance, even in mood status, and if someone says they are in a bad mood, the chances of someone asking 'Why?' are quite high. Which means that the probability of that person venting into the exact reason they are in bad mood, is even higher. Leaving it out for not just the person that inquired but all of your "friends" and all of their friends, and if your privacy settings are really liberal, anyone that looks you up!
Without these tools of the internet who would know about your bad mood? Close friends, maybe one or two, and a parent or something like that? So why would we want to share stuff that we would normally reserve for very close friends and family with the entire web population?
Recently, I went on a date...lots of people know this, and quite a few know some details. I really tried not to put too much on my facebook because someone else is going to read this, and it could get back to the other person, and it would be hurtful to them. Possibly anyway. I have shared even more than I needed in my divorce. Granted, at least, right now, my kids can't read it. And sometimes writing on face book helps me not to have a telephone conversation while my kids are in the room. I really try hard to shelter them from my annoyances with their father. But really should the whole town, and more, know about my divorce and what my ex husband is doing?? No. They shouldn't. Should I be projecting every little thing he does that annoys or hurts me to all of my friends, 320 of them? No. I shouldn't. I am ashamed I have done this. I complained, mostly on Myspace, about my most recent ex. This I must admit was more to get his attention than anything. But it's definitely not the right way to deal with a relationship.
I was reading my live news feeds and saw that someone is having relationship problems, I know that the other part of the relationship reads the same thing, if not more, than I do. I've seen her replies to his posts in the past. So anyway, and I'm sorry if you are the one I'm talking about and reading this, I'm really not trying to offend, but it's advice whether it's wanted or not. ANYWAY - this person was complaining that issues within the relationship are being discussed with friends of the other person - who are of the opposite sex, and not dealt with inside the relationship. However, is going to a friend (guy or girl) really any different then posting that you are having problems about problems on Facebook? Still doesn't seem right. Bashing that person and they way they are in the relationship cannot be healthy nor helpful.
Even in person, if I'm having a problem with my partner - which I don't have at the moment! (This is a good thing!) - and I call up my bestie and bitch and moan and complain and run that person down, how are they supposed to help me? That is not helpful, that is not solving anything. If you are at that point that all you can do is judge and pick apart the other persons actions and words, then well you don't really want to fix things. By what you are saying all you are asking for is someone to agree with you, which will inflame you more, and make any attempts in the future to mend things that much harder.
And furthermore, I have complained about boyfriends and my ex husband to even just my friends and my mom, and then worked things out. But when you do your best to convince someone that this person is doing you wrong in some way, it puts a sour taste in their mouth about that person. So then you are stuck trying to defend the person you are with, and the reasons you are still with them to someone you just spent a great deal of energy trying to convince that this person was so horrible, or inconsiderate, or dumb, or cheating, or whatever...
I, personally, trust very few people to listen to me really complain about someone, someone that can tell me to settle down, look at the overall picture, if I'm not happy, how can I fix it? That is what friends are...and I do not count all of my 320 friends close enough relationships to ask everyone's advice. The majority of the people who will read my comment, completely out of context will take my side and tell me I'm right. Do I like to hear that? Yes, is it going to help me solve anything? No. Sometimes I do ask for advice and I expect to have all spectrums of solutions...but that's a different subject.
I see MANY people exploit their spouses or friends or feelings in general. And I see many that never bring that element into their facebook page. There is a huge difference in their "drama" levels.
Now keep in mind, I fully admit to seeing my guilt in this, and with this blog, I vow to change that! I vow to keep my mouth shut in general a little bit more. We all know I talk too much, it's something I've done since apparently I learned how to talk. Sometimes I think I run out of "normal" things to talk about so I throw in whatever else I can think of, giving up WAY too many details or information than that person should be privileged to have.
I guess my point is, if you value your real friends, use them appropriately. My real friends get my deepest, darkest, craziest secrets. Those are the ones that matter, they really care. The others, they don't need to know all the juicy details to my life! If you value someone and value your relationship, work on it together, not with all your facebook friends that really don't know enough to help, and aren't close enough to give you the sound genuine advice or support that you need.
Most of all, if you wouldn't want to read it about yourself, maybe you should think twice about writing it about someone else...

I'm Not Perfect

I had a very interesting weekend. Not so much my actions and decisions but how I'm now affected by them, especially compared to how it affected me a year ago.


I have been really happy lately. Ok well I don't if that is completely true, obviously if I feel the way I do now I couldn't have been perfectly happy. But I have been very content with my life as a single mom. Not that I haven't ever thought about changing that, but I've been ok on my own.

I went out this weekend for the first time in 6 months, I had a good time, saw some friends I haven't seen in a long time. But the thing is, it wasn't me, it was the other me. The one that parties, that's carefree, that does what she wants and doesn't care. The one that can't get hurt.

I do get hurt, and I hate it when I have no one to blame but, well, Me. I put myself in bad moods, I open up doors to things that just cause pain. Why? Why would I want to do that? Runs in the family I guess, my dad always seemed to be on self-destruct mode. Things would be great and he would do something to make it fail, sometimes it was just a negative mood or thought that could do it.

So anyway, it has been a year since my first relationship after the divorce. It seems crazy to think it went by that fast. So one year and two relationships later. Relationships not founded on the right reasons. I don't want to repeat that. I have already said that I'm on hiatus from dating anyway. But the year mark made me really think about it again. Not out of yearning, but out of contemplation of the past decisions, and how to go about it differently. I think it's a good idea to have the next eleven months to figure that out!

I was talking with a friend the other day. And I really understood something about myself. Where they have put their standards so high as to not have to look at all, "what's the point?" I have my standards so high I don't figure anyone can meet them so I settle for something less, usually way less than what I really want. Which brings up another point. If they are YOUR standards, how can they be "too" high? They should be high, this is your life, your decision to share it with someone else, you should be able to get what you want, and exactly that. And if that right person comes along and meets 9/10 standards, well I think at that point your heart can tell you if it's worth the consideration to accept that difference. If not, then, no, keep looking.

So I got my standards, and they are pretty high. But no more of this stupid drunk stuff, I am so much better than that! I am a great person, and I deserve the same.

Even as I say that, anyone that knows me, I knock myself down more than anyone else has a chance too. Not that they would, but it's almost like I have to insult myself so no one else gets an opportunity. I always do it as a joke, make it seem like I really don't mean that, but to say it, I must mean it a little.

My newest goal? No more bars. Just not going to do it. I can drink with friends, but real friends. Not bar friends. (There are some people I would be friends with at the bar, but I think it's healthier for me to work on those genuine friendships more than go to bar just to see them!) Besides, that just becomes an excuse to go out. And I don't need that!

I want some real, true friends. I have a couple. But very few people I would trust with my inner person. Everyone else gets the 'social, public, goes along with anything, can't say no to anyone, can't be mean to anyone, I don't care what we do, as long as it makes you happy' Rochelle. There are a couple people that know the real me, that care to know the real me. The rest I usually lock out, keep it secret, because to let them in, well that allows them to have access to the part of me that I let hurt. And I don't like to do that!

So Goals for this next quarter - yes I'm working in quarters now.

1. No more bars, (easy..Done!)

2. Make real friends (MALE AND FEMALE!) I'm getting sick of hearing that I can't have guy FRIENDS without it being something more, or them being Gay. Really people, we are adults, lets act that way!

3. Quit smoking.

4. Exercise more! I'm not in bad shape, but I could be in a lot better!


Bars, Smoking, Exercise - all revolve around will power. #2 takes effort, time, and REALness, if that makes any sense. Anyway, that's what I 'm doing. So if I'm a little more attentive to you in the next couple months, it's because I want to be your friend, not your whatever...

Instant Gratification (Politically Minded) You've been warned...

I was thinking about internet dependency, still, and I realized that this generation is one that expects everything instantly. And it doesn't just revolve around what products we want to order online, or getting a response via text. We think that way for everything now.


20 years ago we would never expect a president to come into the situation our nation is in and expect INSTANT results - and in a 4-8 year term, 2 years is still pretty instant if you are expecting miracles. Even when we had Clinton, it wasn't instant, but looking back he was a pretty amazing president and did a lot for us.

I guess it's just frustrating to see how impatient we are as a people. I try to be patient, I really do. But it's hard when I know I can get what I want immediately if I use the right sources. Which makes those other things even harder to wait for!

I won't lie, I'm disappointed with the majority of the election results. I am a democrat, I was raised that way, my mom was raised that way. I don't try to change others minds, but I don't mind a well educated debate on topics every once in awhile.

An uneducated one however, is not something I willingly engage in. I get so frustrated with people who talk about issues like they know something, and THEY DON'T. They can't offer a single FACT to support their beliefs, their beliefs that are tweaked a little from their neighbor who got their ideas from their neighbor, and maybe about twenty people back there was some truth and understanding in why someone feels the way they do about the current political state. But the person I always end up talking to is just saying what they heard, and adapted to themselves with absolutely no knowledge of the facts.

I am not going to say that I think Obama is the best president we have ever had, I am not going to say I agree with all of this policies. I do think we have not given him a chance to change anything, and blocked any attempt he has made to help the nation. I respect him a great deal for the job he took on, and I think of him as an incredibly smart, respectable man. There, that's how I feel, without getting into the nitty-gritty.

What does frustrate me is the lack of respect we have, as a nation, for our President. I think I've said this before, but I remember how if ANYONE said anything negative about PERFECT President Bush you were unpatriotic and not supporting our LEADER. The one that the nation's majority voted into office. I took that and learned from it. I really did, I quit saying how much I hated him and his policies and his war games. I respected that this is who we have, and trusted him to not screw us up too bad. See where that got us?? And now we have a new president, the one that the nation's majority voted into office and so many people that told me to respect the old disrespect and speak hate for the new. How two-faced and hypocritical, shame on you that have done this! Even if you dislike the president and did not vote for him, he is still our president, our leader, the chosen one for our nation for at least four years. If you have problems with his policies, get political and do something about, quit bitching about something you have no intention of doing anything about...in other words, whining doesn't get anyone anywhere. Action does.

Another heated debate that I am most positive most people will not agree with me on is Immigration. I got into this a little bit last night. I am not saying that things don't need to change, and that better policies don't need to be put in place. But I do think that we "Americans" are pretty damn high and mighty to say no one else can be an American now. My Great Grandmother was an 'illegal immigrant' and the thoughts back then were not very kind towards the Irish. Irish were hated by many in these FINE states, they stole jobs and had large families. What is the difference now guys? You realize that Mexico used to OWN California right? That we took it from them? So whose land is it anyway? I don't think fencing our country in and closing people out is going to help anyone. People say it's the jobs that hurt us. That the Mexican immigrants are taking away all our jobs. Which to me, is crap. There were orchards that went unpicked because no one would go work for an orchard, while how many hundreds of people sat on unemployment because they were too good to pick apples for a living? Without immigrants no self-respecting 'white' person is going to do that crap work. And if the apples don't get picked, they don't get sold, and if they don't get sold the orchard goes out of business, and everyone loses their job. How does that help the economy?

Ok so I've ranted quite a bit, and strayed really long way from instant gratification. Sorry.

Anyway I guess what I really wanted to make a point of is, that nothing good comes easily or quickly. Give this president a chance, if that is even possible with the House the way it is now. Have some patience and if you are really unhappy with something, do something about it. Don't sit there and whine about it. Write someone, or something, get educated on the matter, then you can actually sit down and talk about it!



Much love to you all!

Internet Addictions...

Ok so first of all, I have to admit I'm taking this spin completely from a friend who has been writing about it for awhile now. I totally understand where she is coming from. And well I feel bad that I haven't written a letter to prove I'm her friend. (Not that she is asking this)

What I have learned, about myself, since reading her experience of giving up the internet for 10 days, is kind of refreshing. Am I dependant on the internet? Most definitely. Would I go crazy if I didn't have it ever day? Yes I would, in fact, if the cable internet isn't working when I want to drink my coffee and check my friends on FaceBook, I get kind of cranky. However...the friends that I really consider FRIENDS I still talk to on a regular basis in real life. And I find it completely interesting and amazing that there are so many more people I'm able to connect with online.

Is it easy? Of course! Real relationships take time and effort, and cell phone minutes! My closest friends I would STILL go a week or more without talking to if I didn't have the internet. I'm busy, they are busy, kids are busy. And I don't have all day to talk on the phone to catch up with everyone. Should I make more time? Sure. But see, I might check in every once in awhile online, but I don't play my games anymore, and I don't let the internet be a priority. I feel rude to my kids if I spend all day on the phone, and they notice, as soon as I pick up the phone they are in my face. But I also feel the same way about the computer. And they do notice that too! If I'm on here for any extended amount of time, they become increasingly needy. Sometimes I find myself getting annoyed at them, then I realize, all they want is Mom's attention - and not to share it with a monitor. So we turn off the computer for most of the day. When I'm bored and they are occupied I might get on for a minute, but otherwise, my real addictions wait till after bedtime.

My addiction? Not really the INTERNET, but a game in specific. Which is the real reason I don't play the FaceBook games, who has time for those when I have gear to earn and honor points to obtain? There are dragons people, DRAGONS needing me to slay them with my 5 man team of warriors. (and the forts we make from their corpses are pretty cool too) We have to fight the Horde for the good of the Alliance and dance in there bank while they try to kill us, sometimes I just like to chill out in skeleton costume and dance the undead metal dance. See??? This is my addiction, World of Warcraft. And in the past it has gotten bad, where I spent hours all day, putting off chores and putting off kids, turning on movies and getting irritated at my distractions of daily life. But I don't anymore. I only play when the kids are in bed or on weekends when I don't have REAL LIFE to attend to. It is not a priority, per se, but it is my entertainment. I don't really watch movies, or much TV, I read books occasionally. But after 7:30, when my kids are sleeping soundly, I'm bored. So, judge me if you will, but it's what I enjoy.

And now, you all have permission to forever call me a geek.  But whatev's I don't care about your stinkin labels! I'm a geek and I'm proud!!!

Like anything, it can be taken too far. The internet has made a lot of us dependant. It has made a lot of us "lazy" friends. But like I said, there are a lot of people I keep in touch with now, that I would never be able to without it, so it's all in moderation. Enjoy it if you can, but know your limit - kind of like drinking huh? And addiction is just that, no matter it's disguise!