Repost this if you believe...

These are probably the biggest pet peeve of mine. I’m not saying I care if you post them but it makes me feel bad that I don’t.  I mean logically. I believe what I believe, I am not ashamed to tell people what I believe, but at the same time. It’s no one else’s damn business what I believe!

Did I use ‘believe’ enough in that opening paragraph? I’m sure I could have put it in there a few more times if I tried.

Ok you all know what I’m talking about “I believe in God -80% of you will not repost this because you are ashamed or afraid someone will laugh at you, but you will worship celebrities and post mean things, and you’ll sleep through church but stay up for movies/games yada yada yada”  

First of all, I’m 30 years old.  If someone laughs at me or makes fun of me for a post that I put up, well then, I hope it was actually funny. But really, so what?  It’s not about being accepted by everyone on Facebook, at least not for me.  You all have your own beliefs, and most of you are adults and “mature” enough not to just flame someone because you don’t agree. So if I WANT to put something as my status I will, regardless of who might make fun of me.

Second of all, who am I really accountable towards?  Certainly my faith is not in the hands of the person who spammed the message in the first place, and that’s all we are really doing by reposting it.  Proving to everyone else on facebook – “Hey look guys, I did it, I believe, see I told you!”  Not really my thing. 

Thirdly, if God did read facebook status’, I don’t think he’s out there going uh-oh Rochelle didn’t post that spam email about how much she believes in me, and then proceeds to put a bad mark in my file.  I think he is much more concerned about the mean and hateful things he sees, or the nice and caring ones.  Not the ones that say look at me I believe. Those are just words, words written by someone else. They are not from your heart.  That’s the same as being a Sunday Christian, so what?  You posted it, are you living it?  Then who cares?! 

I personally think that good people are good people, regardless of religious beliefs and the other.   Bad people are bad people, they can even come in brightly colored packages that advertise Christian, I happen to know at least one of these types of deceiving “Christians”  and if I had to stand beside her and say what I believed I would have a really, really hard time saying we had the same beliefs. 

The point?  If you want to be a Christian awesome, if you really want to post those things, great.  But I don’t think of you as a great Christian because you do, and I will most likely not repost it. Mainly because I think the idea is ridiculous.

Crushes

Do you remember in grade school and you got your first crush on someone? Back then, they were just cute - because you probably didn't talk to them much. So it was how cute that person was.


When High School came around you might have added a little depth to that, he's cute and he's funny. But mostly it was still how hot they were. (Makes sense really, if you've ever read on the science of sex and attraction)

Even in my early 20's what I was looking for was someone I was obviously attracted too, and had some decent values - I didn't think much about how their passions in life would affect my life. Actually during that time, if I thought that was the person I wanted, I was willing to adapt my likes and dislikes to theirs, you know, to appear more attractive to them. Which is never smart. You are not only lying to that other person, but too yourself, and when the truth comes out - you just look and feel silly.

So now, that I've aged and matured...ha ha... I've realized that I still get crushes, but they aren't really based the same. I guess they are a little deeper. And obviously, physical attraction plays a huge part in it, and there is still a lot of the "he's nice" "he's funny" which I still kind of consider immature. Not fully, but to grow attached to someone just because they are nice to you isn't exactly healthy either.

But that's not even my issue. Let's say that there is a couple because I don't want to single anyone out. And actually that might be more truthful anyway. Actually let's pretend that I'm not talking about a present situation at all, and it's all hypothetical, yeah let's go with that...

I have friends, some of them are male. I don't even know how to write this without it sounding high school or making many of my male friends think that I'm fantasizing about them. Which this isn't even about. Basically, since leaving a marriage, and being a mom, my standards/attractions/needs have changed.

And for the record, my fantasies aren't really sexual at all, they are more like "My life would be perfect if..." And that's what I'm really trying to get at. IF. IF I did something about it for one thing, IF the circumstances were different. IF, IF, IF... Which is not a good place to be.

It's just like getting lost in my game, IF that was real it would be awesome - well except for that part where I die a lot, and well I guess if the full game was real and someone could heal or resurrect me I guess that would be ok, but it would hurt a lot. I guess that's kind of like life. If I let go and trusted myself to move on whatever I think I want to move on, it might be great, like I imagine but there are more opportunities for me to get hurt that way...

I feel like I'm in a downer mode lately, and I don't really mean to come across that way. It's just me working out my issues through typing. And believe me usually after I deal with it this way I'm able to move forward. Honestly, so if you think I'm bringing myself down, it's really quite the opposite.

Lately I have had a fantasy - hypothetically of course - or two - in my head, but because I know it's not real, yet wish that one of them were, so instead I sit here and pout that it's not real. Is that healthy? I think not. And what good is that doing me? Worrying about how something that will probably never happen could happen and fix my life forever. Stupid, and unrealistic. Because I'm old enough to know that nothing turns out "perfect." So even if one of my random fantasies happened to come true, it wouldn't turn out quite the way I imagined it of course.

So basically, I'm going to stop dwelling on situations that are not real, that are dreams, which are fine to have dreams. But to put too much stock in them is just not a good idea. Plain and simple.

That's not right, to have dreams and desires is good, and to have faith that your dreams will come true is not anything I discourage anyone from doing. But more on point is that dreaming, about a dream, and pouting that it's not coming true magically - without making any effort to make it come true - isn't healthy, and isn't going to get you anywhere.



So have your dreams, but do something to obtain them - don't sit and dwell and wonder why it's not.

*** This was actually very hard for me to publish, and it may not seem so, but much more personal and closer to my heart than many of the other posts.***

Yeah for Christmas Cards!!

Modern Cranberry Noir Christmas

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Markers

Like Crayola - but life's markers usually don't wash off. I suppose this is good because a lot our important times are great memories that we would be sad to lose with just a little soap and water. And, as much as we can sometimes wish that the harder memories would just disappear, I don't think that is what we want either, not really.

You've heard it before, without the rain we couldn't appreciate the sunshine, right? So I just keep telling myself that. Things go SO well, I'm happy, I forget, and then, it's like a sharpie stain on my hand that I see and go "Crap! I forgot how bad that hurt" (not physically, but well maybe if you had allergies to Sharpie ink..but I think we all know that's not what I really mean!)

Markers - memories - closure? I don't know, I can hope. Life's tattoos. It's quite a picture really, all your important milestones marked on your skin. Would they be gray scale or full color? Does it depend on the event? Or on the emotion? How would you tattoo your soul? I can picture myself covered in the ink of life and its happenings. Some would be beautiful and happy, others ugly and horrifying. And still others would surpass the beauty of everything else but remain the hardest, most tragic memories of all.

To me the best part of that kind of tattoo, is the lack of thought. Here I go comparing it to a book - and yes it's fantasy/sci-fi. Anyway, I was reading a book called City of Bones, and there is a supernatural race of half angel/half humans. And they protect themselves with runes inked on the skin. I think of that when I think of my body covered in tattoos of my memories and experiences. Chaotic in a way that makes sense. Beautiful, with no real design or plan. Not a lot of thought put into where each one goes, or what symbol I would chose to represent it, or the color. Something that just, well, happens. Appears. Which would be important and hard for me. Important because it took me 3 years to get ONE tattoo that I was sure I wanted. At that rate I wouldn't be inked from my childhood memories yet! Decisions - logic - pros and cons - these things take me awhile, most of the time anyway. Hard - because that would mean I don't have control, and giving up control is something I might have a couple small issues with, maybe.

The thing about the runes, which draws it closer to my analogy, is that when the rune was used, or changed, small scars were left behind. The average person could barely see them, but if the light was right these beings would be covered in delicate white scars. So are we. Not all scars mean something horrible has happened. But usually, when you go through something that causes a physical scarring, you come out stronger in at least one way.

So with this holiday, and the receipt of a great gift, a marker for my lost baby girl, I realize that maybe that scar isn't quite as healed as I thought it was. That wound is well on its way to a scab, but it still hurts when you pick at it. Thankfully, with any wound, even if picking at it prolongs the process, it will heal and I will have a beautiful scar on my soul.




I can't link videos but this is a good song, not found on Youtube but you can listen to it on Yahoo music. Saddest of Tattoos by Artie Tobia  

Another interesting Tattoo song, I find it very pretty, but sad too...

Sade, Like a Tattoo

I'm Thankful...

Some days it's hard to see all the blessings we have, it's easy to get wrapped up in what we want or need, or feel that we our lives are crap or whatever.
So today, in the spirit of the season, I'm making a list of all the things I'm thankful for. My kids may not be with me on Thanksgiving, and yes that is hard. But they will be with loved ones, who care about them.

I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful that my children have a father that loves them and sees them every week. I'm thankful for their step-mom who cares and loves for them also. My children are blessed to have 3 sisters and an older brother to care for them and share memories with.
I, personally, have a loving, wonderful mother to share my Thanksgiving day meal, and a brother whom I love very much. I am also thankful for my friend, and co-worker, Carrie, for joining us at our holiday dinner! When you can't be with family, be with friends, the company is usually good - because you can chose it- and the conversation is always interesting at least!
I may complain about living in an apartment, but I am very thankful for the space of three bedrooms and the heat from the baseboard heaters. It may be cold outside but we are warm and cozy in here.
I'm thankful for my car - it may not be new, but it runs great and provides the transportation we need.
I'm thankful for my job, and compassionate employer, my friend, Joy. I'm thankful for the laughs, the employment and the consistency in her friendship. I'm thankful for all of my co workers, and the kindness we all seem to have for each other. I'm so grateful that I am able to provide for them while they are with their dad and spend every day I have with them - home - WITH them!
I'm thankful that on my small income, I am not only able to survive, but thrive and that my children lack for nothing. They might not have ALL the most expensive toys, but they don't want for anything, almost to a fault!
I'm thankful for my community and the closeness and caring you get from a small town like this, everyone knows you, and everyone waves. It's a great place to raise my kids and I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to do that!
I'm grateful for my friends. Old and new, it is a wonderful journey getting to know people and to share a lifetime with the ones that stick around. I'm thankful for my friend Jessica and her wonderful family. I'm happy to say that I know her family almost as well as my own, something only a lifelong friendship could give me. I wouldn't want to lose that for anything!
I'm thankful for my health, and that of my children. I'm happy that I am able to provide for them and care for them. I am very blessed to have these two wonderful, healthy, smart, amazing children!
There are many things I am thankful for, many things that I am in awe that I have and have been given. I have a wonderful life, and I'm so happy that one days like these, I am able to reflect and recognize all the gifts that have been bestowed on me and mine. And I'm able to forget the hardships and hurts that I have felt over the years. Because those things, we learn from the hurt, and we move on, but if we dwell and feel sorry for ourselves we can never really appreciate all the blessings we have right in front of us.
So today, even if you are going through a hard time in your life, take stock, see the good, and love the people who are around you. Cling to the good this holiday season, and if possible, let the bad be forgotten for a little while.
I love you all! Have a very happy Thanksgiving!

I think I pee'd my pants...

So I keep going back to making decisions and sticking to them. And it's just crazy for me to think of all the decisions we make when we are young, without a seconds worth of thought to how our future will look because of this. Like when Tristin insists he doesn't have to pee, but wets his pants 3 minutes later, and now we have wet pants. And usually I have a little boy telling me he didn't pee his pants. Really? Because your crotch is a distinctly different color than the rest of your pants, are you SURE you didn't pee? And how come kids don't understand sarcasm? So many witty remarks I waste on them a day.

That's a funny thought though, as I raise my kids with my sarcasm what am I creating? Incredibly smart - ass - children? I hope not! I don't think I use it in rude ways, just obvious. Like the peeing of your pants, I can kind of SEE that you did it, I don't really have to ask, but since I did, I am definitely going to point out that I know you are lying to me. And I still think it's a better way of addressing the very simple lie. Instead of calling him a liar and telling him he lied, I'm giving him the evidence that tells me he is lying and usually, most times, he will say, in his sweet little voice "Actually mama, I did pee, just a lil-blip" Which means "a little bit"

I wish life was as simple as determining whether someone wet their pants or not. I wish everything was that black and white. That every decision was that easy. If I wet my pants people are going to know, it's going to stink, and I'm going to have to change or be very uncomfortable until I do. So I don't. Or do I? Maybe not physically but metaphorically I think I probably pee my pants at least a couple times a week.

I know, right now you are thinking - why do I read these blogs? She pees her pants metaphorically? Really? What a WEIRDO! But think about it. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure you make decisions all the time that you KNOW are a bad idea, you know the consequences you know that if you do such and such it's not going to be good in a little while, you are going to be uncomfortable until you get a change.

I did that this weekend actually. Luckily, I was alone, I was gaming - so not really alone, but to all of you that do not understand my fantasy world of swords and death knights you would think I'm alone. But I'm not, I have night elf druid friends and lots of others too! I even hang out with a dwarf or a gnome every once in awhile. Anyway so I was playing my game, doing a raid, which is like a large dungeon with many different bosses and strategies needed to succeed, and when you finish you get some cool title like "King Slayer" which I don't have but sometimes I do get some cool gear. ANYWAY I decided to have a lil blip of wine. That little bit turned into almost 2 bottles. I actually do not remember going to bed, thank goodness I was alone and I didn't have any awkward waking with a stranger and asking them how I got to bed. It was interesting to log onto my game and see where I was - in the game. And a little embarrassing to get back in with my game friends and hear what I may have said over the Ventrilo system. (which is where I get really cool and put on my headset and talk to people in the game and listen to them too) See I'm social!
The point I'm getting at is - as I was drinking this wine, I knew that it was going to suck the next morning - and it did. And there was nothing I could do but change my pants and let the moment - hours - until I felt better- pass. So is life. Some of these decisions are not so easy, not so apparent as what your end result is going to be. These are the decisions I wish we could do without. For instance, my sarcasm and its usage while with my children. Will this make them witty and smart and loved by all, or quite the opposite? I don't know! I don't know many things, I'm just now realizing this. I guess that's the phase of life I am in.
I went through that "I Know Everything" one and now I'm at the "I don't know jack" phase - kind of like infancy but worse because if I pee my pants now, I gotta change them myself.
Oh - on a non pants peeing note, I quit smoking again. Yeah, I know, AGAIN!? This time I'm sticking to it, I've decided that if I can weed people out of my life based on the pros and cons they give me, then I really shouldn't have a hard time quitting something that gives me almost ZERO pros and a whole lot of cons. So that's kind of like JUST now realizing I've been "peeing my pants" for a year and quitting, and finally changing. I'm going to put my stubborn pants on now. I can be quite good at that. Making a decision and sticking to it because I can, more than because I should. Which this time both are good reasons to make a decision.

Ever take a look at yourself and think - I am a stubborn ass! I did. And I am. I don't think this is always a bad thing but maybe it needs a little moderating. I don't want to pee my pants forever, and as I'm not getting any younger it's getting a little more difficult to control. Lifelong stubborn habits are hard to break!

What was my point with this? Well, don't tell stupid lies. Like ones that are very evident by the dark spot on your jeans. And don't make stupid decisions that cause those stupid lies because you pissed your damn pants! Be smart, think it through, and realize, every single thing you do today will come around and effect you again, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a bad way, but it will happen.

Just, well quit peeing your pants people! Even if it's just a "lil blip"

Some things should never be public...

This has to do with FaceBook, as a lot of my inspiration for writing comes from. If it offends anyone, I'm sorry but it's true!
I'm sure we are all somewhat guilty of this, as I know I am for sure. With things like Face Book and Myspace it's really easy to put almost every detail of your life out for everyone to read. For instance, even in mood status, and if someone says they are in a bad mood, the chances of someone asking 'Why?' are quite high. Which means that the probability of that person venting into the exact reason they are in bad mood, is even higher. Leaving it out for not just the person that inquired but all of your "friends" and all of their friends, and if your privacy settings are really liberal, anyone that looks you up!
Without these tools of the internet who would know about your bad mood? Close friends, maybe one or two, and a parent or something like that? So why would we want to share stuff that we would normally reserve for very close friends and family with the entire web population?
Recently, I went on a date...lots of people know this, and quite a few know some details. I really tried not to put too much on my facebook because someone else is going to read this, and it could get back to the other person, and it would be hurtful to them. Possibly anyway. I have shared even more than I needed in my divorce. Granted, at least, right now, my kids can't read it. And sometimes writing on face book helps me not to have a telephone conversation while my kids are in the room. I really try hard to shelter them from my annoyances with their father. But really should the whole town, and more, know about my divorce and what my ex husband is doing?? No. They shouldn't. Should I be projecting every little thing he does that annoys or hurts me to all of my friends, 320 of them? No. I shouldn't. I am ashamed I have done this. I complained, mostly on Myspace, about my most recent ex. This I must admit was more to get his attention than anything. But it's definitely not the right way to deal with a relationship.
I was reading my live news feeds and saw that someone is having relationship problems, I know that the other part of the relationship reads the same thing, if not more, than I do. I've seen her replies to his posts in the past. So anyway, and I'm sorry if you are the one I'm talking about and reading this, I'm really not trying to offend, but it's advice whether it's wanted or not. ANYWAY - this person was complaining that issues within the relationship are being discussed with friends of the other person - who are of the opposite sex, and not dealt with inside the relationship. However, is going to a friend (guy or girl) really any different then posting that you are having problems about problems on Facebook? Still doesn't seem right. Bashing that person and they way they are in the relationship cannot be healthy nor helpful.
Even in person, if I'm having a problem with my partner - which I don't have at the moment! (This is a good thing!) - and I call up my bestie and bitch and moan and complain and run that person down, how are they supposed to help me? That is not helpful, that is not solving anything. If you are at that point that all you can do is judge and pick apart the other persons actions and words, then well you don't really want to fix things. By what you are saying all you are asking for is someone to agree with you, which will inflame you more, and make any attempts in the future to mend things that much harder.
And furthermore, I have complained about boyfriends and my ex husband to even just my friends and my mom, and then worked things out. But when you do your best to convince someone that this person is doing you wrong in some way, it puts a sour taste in their mouth about that person. So then you are stuck trying to defend the person you are with, and the reasons you are still with them to someone you just spent a great deal of energy trying to convince that this person was so horrible, or inconsiderate, or dumb, or cheating, or whatever...
I, personally, trust very few people to listen to me really complain about someone, someone that can tell me to settle down, look at the overall picture, if I'm not happy, how can I fix it? That is what friends are...and I do not count all of my 320 friends close enough relationships to ask everyone's advice. The majority of the people who will read my comment, completely out of context will take my side and tell me I'm right. Do I like to hear that? Yes, is it going to help me solve anything? No. Sometimes I do ask for advice and I expect to have all spectrums of solutions...but that's a different subject.
I see MANY people exploit their spouses or friends or feelings in general. And I see many that never bring that element into their facebook page. There is a huge difference in their "drama" levels.
Now keep in mind, I fully admit to seeing my guilt in this, and with this blog, I vow to change that! I vow to keep my mouth shut in general a little bit more. We all know I talk too much, it's something I've done since apparently I learned how to talk. Sometimes I think I run out of "normal" things to talk about so I throw in whatever else I can think of, giving up WAY too many details or information than that person should be privileged to have.
I guess my point is, if you value your real friends, use them appropriately. My real friends get my deepest, darkest, craziest secrets. Those are the ones that matter, they really care. The others, they don't need to know all the juicy details to my life! If you value someone and value your relationship, work on it together, not with all your facebook friends that really don't know enough to help, and aren't close enough to give you the sound genuine advice or support that you need.
Most of all, if you wouldn't want to read it about yourself, maybe you should think twice about writing it about someone else...

I'm Not Perfect

I had a very interesting weekend. Not so much my actions and decisions but how I'm now affected by them, especially compared to how it affected me a year ago.


I have been really happy lately. Ok well I don't if that is completely true, obviously if I feel the way I do now I couldn't have been perfectly happy. But I have been very content with my life as a single mom. Not that I haven't ever thought about changing that, but I've been ok on my own.

I went out this weekend for the first time in 6 months, I had a good time, saw some friends I haven't seen in a long time. But the thing is, it wasn't me, it was the other me. The one that parties, that's carefree, that does what she wants and doesn't care. The one that can't get hurt.

I do get hurt, and I hate it when I have no one to blame but, well, Me. I put myself in bad moods, I open up doors to things that just cause pain. Why? Why would I want to do that? Runs in the family I guess, my dad always seemed to be on self-destruct mode. Things would be great and he would do something to make it fail, sometimes it was just a negative mood or thought that could do it.

So anyway, it has been a year since my first relationship after the divorce. It seems crazy to think it went by that fast. So one year and two relationships later. Relationships not founded on the right reasons. I don't want to repeat that. I have already said that I'm on hiatus from dating anyway. But the year mark made me really think about it again. Not out of yearning, but out of contemplation of the past decisions, and how to go about it differently. I think it's a good idea to have the next eleven months to figure that out!

I was talking with a friend the other day. And I really understood something about myself. Where they have put their standards so high as to not have to look at all, "what's the point?" I have my standards so high I don't figure anyone can meet them so I settle for something less, usually way less than what I really want. Which brings up another point. If they are YOUR standards, how can they be "too" high? They should be high, this is your life, your decision to share it with someone else, you should be able to get what you want, and exactly that. And if that right person comes along and meets 9/10 standards, well I think at that point your heart can tell you if it's worth the consideration to accept that difference. If not, then, no, keep looking.

So I got my standards, and they are pretty high. But no more of this stupid drunk stuff, I am so much better than that! I am a great person, and I deserve the same.

Even as I say that, anyone that knows me, I knock myself down more than anyone else has a chance too. Not that they would, but it's almost like I have to insult myself so no one else gets an opportunity. I always do it as a joke, make it seem like I really don't mean that, but to say it, I must mean it a little.

My newest goal? No more bars. Just not going to do it. I can drink with friends, but real friends. Not bar friends. (There are some people I would be friends with at the bar, but I think it's healthier for me to work on those genuine friendships more than go to bar just to see them!) Besides, that just becomes an excuse to go out. And I don't need that!

I want some real, true friends. I have a couple. But very few people I would trust with my inner person. Everyone else gets the 'social, public, goes along with anything, can't say no to anyone, can't be mean to anyone, I don't care what we do, as long as it makes you happy' Rochelle. There are a couple people that know the real me, that care to know the real me. The rest I usually lock out, keep it secret, because to let them in, well that allows them to have access to the part of me that I let hurt. And I don't like to do that!

So Goals for this next quarter - yes I'm working in quarters now.

1. No more bars, (easy..Done!)

2. Make real friends (MALE AND FEMALE!) I'm getting sick of hearing that I can't have guy FRIENDS without it being something more, or them being Gay. Really people, we are adults, lets act that way!

3. Quit smoking.

4. Exercise more! I'm not in bad shape, but I could be in a lot better!


Bars, Smoking, Exercise - all revolve around will power. #2 takes effort, time, and REALness, if that makes any sense. Anyway, that's what I 'm doing. So if I'm a little more attentive to you in the next couple months, it's because I want to be your friend, not your whatever...

Instant Gratification (Politically Minded) You've been warned...

I was thinking about internet dependency, still, and I realized that this generation is one that expects everything instantly. And it doesn't just revolve around what products we want to order online, or getting a response via text. We think that way for everything now.


20 years ago we would never expect a president to come into the situation our nation is in and expect INSTANT results - and in a 4-8 year term, 2 years is still pretty instant if you are expecting miracles. Even when we had Clinton, it wasn't instant, but looking back he was a pretty amazing president and did a lot for us.

I guess it's just frustrating to see how impatient we are as a people. I try to be patient, I really do. But it's hard when I know I can get what I want immediately if I use the right sources. Which makes those other things even harder to wait for!

I won't lie, I'm disappointed with the majority of the election results. I am a democrat, I was raised that way, my mom was raised that way. I don't try to change others minds, but I don't mind a well educated debate on topics every once in awhile.

An uneducated one however, is not something I willingly engage in. I get so frustrated with people who talk about issues like they know something, and THEY DON'T. They can't offer a single FACT to support their beliefs, their beliefs that are tweaked a little from their neighbor who got their ideas from their neighbor, and maybe about twenty people back there was some truth and understanding in why someone feels the way they do about the current political state. But the person I always end up talking to is just saying what they heard, and adapted to themselves with absolutely no knowledge of the facts.

I am not going to say that I think Obama is the best president we have ever had, I am not going to say I agree with all of this policies. I do think we have not given him a chance to change anything, and blocked any attempt he has made to help the nation. I respect him a great deal for the job he took on, and I think of him as an incredibly smart, respectable man. There, that's how I feel, without getting into the nitty-gritty.

What does frustrate me is the lack of respect we have, as a nation, for our President. I think I've said this before, but I remember how if ANYONE said anything negative about PERFECT President Bush you were unpatriotic and not supporting our LEADER. The one that the nation's majority voted into office. I took that and learned from it. I really did, I quit saying how much I hated him and his policies and his war games. I respected that this is who we have, and trusted him to not screw us up too bad. See where that got us?? And now we have a new president, the one that the nation's majority voted into office and so many people that told me to respect the old disrespect and speak hate for the new. How two-faced and hypocritical, shame on you that have done this! Even if you dislike the president and did not vote for him, he is still our president, our leader, the chosen one for our nation for at least four years. If you have problems with his policies, get political and do something about, quit bitching about something you have no intention of doing anything about...in other words, whining doesn't get anyone anywhere. Action does.

Another heated debate that I am most positive most people will not agree with me on is Immigration. I got into this a little bit last night. I am not saying that things don't need to change, and that better policies don't need to be put in place. But I do think that we "Americans" are pretty damn high and mighty to say no one else can be an American now. My Great Grandmother was an 'illegal immigrant' and the thoughts back then were not very kind towards the Irish. Irish were hated by many in these FINE states, they stole jobs and had large families. What is the difference now guys? You realize that Mexico used to OWN California right? That we took it from them? So whose land is it anyway? I don't think fencing our country in and closing people out is going to help anyone. People say it's the jobs that hurt us. That the Mexican immigrants are taking away all our jobs. Which to me, is crap. There were orchards that went unpicked because no one would go work for an orchard, while how many hundreds of people sat on unemployment because they were too good to pick apples for a living? Without immigrants no self-respecting 'white' person is going to do that crap work. And if the apples don't get picked, they don't get sold, and if they don't get sold the orchard goes out of business, and everyone loses their job. How does that help the economy?

Ok so I've ranted quite a bit, and strayed really long way from instant gratification. Sorry.

Anyway I guess what I really wanted to make a point of is, that nothing good comes easily or quickly. Give this president a chance, if that is even possible with the House the way it is now. Have some patience and if you are really unhappy with something, do something about it. Don't sit there and whine about it. Write someone, or something, get educated on the matter, then you can actually sit down and talk about it!



Much love to you all!

Internet Addictions...

Ok so first of all, I have to admit I'm taking this spin completely from a friend who has been writing about it for awhile now. I totally understand where she is coming from. And well I feel bad that I haven't written a letter to prove I'm her friend. (Not that she is asking this)

What I have learned, about myself, since reading her experience of giving up the internet for 10 days, is kind of refreshing. Am I dependant on the internet? Most definitely. Would I go crazy if I didn't have it ever day? Yes I would, in fact, if the cable internet isn't working when I want to drink my coffee and check my friends on FaceBook, I get kind of cranky. However...the friends that I really consider FRIENDS I still talk to on a regular basis in real life. And I find it completely interesting and amazing that there are so many more people I'm able to connect with online.

Is it easy? Of course! Real relationships take time and effort, and cell phone minutes! My closest friends I would STILL go a week or more without talking to if I didn't have the internet. I'm busy, they are busy, kids are busy. And I don't have all day to talk on the phone to catch up with everyone. Should I make more time? Sure. But see, I might check in every once in awhile online, but I don't play my games anymore, and I don't let the internet be a priority. I feel rude to my kids if I spend all day on the phone, and they notice, as soon as I pick up the phone they are in my face. But I also feel the same way about the computer. And they do notice that too! If I'm on here for any extended amount of time, they become increasingly needy. Sometimes I find myself getting annoyed at them, then I realize, all they want is Mom's attention - and not to share it with a monitor. So we turn off the computer for most of the day. When I'm bored and they are occupied I might get on for a minute, but otherwise, my real addictions wait till after bedtime.

My addiction? Not really the INTERNET, but a game in specific. Which is the real reason I don't play the FaceBook games, who has time for those when I have gear to earn and honor points to obtain? There are dragons people, DRAGONS needing me to slay them with my 5 man team of warriors. (and the forts we make from their corpses are pretty cool too) We have to fight the Horde for the good of the Alliance and dance in there bank while they try to kill us, sometimes I just like to chill out in skeleton costume and dance the undead metal dance. See??? This is my addiction, World of Warcraft. And in the past it has gotten bad, where I spent hours all day, putting off chores and putting off kids, turning on movies and getting irritated at my distractions of daily life. But I don't anymore. I only play when the kids are in bed or on weekends when I don't have REAL LIFE to attend to. It is not a priority, per se, but it is my entertainment. I don't really watch movies, or much TV, I read books occasionally. But after 7:30, when my kids are sleeping soundly, I'm bored. So, judge me if you will, but it's what I enjoy.

And now, you all have permission to forever call me a geek.  But whatev's I don't care about your stinkin labels! I'm a geek and I'm proud!!!

Like anything, it can be taken too far. The internet has made a lot of us dependant. It has made a lot of us "lazy" friends. But like I said, there are a lot of people I keep in touch with now, that I would never be able to without it, so it's all in moderation. Enjoy it if you can, but know your limit - kind of like drinking huh? And addiction is just that, no matter it's disguise!

The Politics of Bullies

Normally I try to stay out of politics, especially in my blogs, but this was something I couldn't ignore, and has been heavy on my heart since the first incident was publicized. All I can think about is that could be my child, or my child's friend. Dealing with a tragedy like this effects all of us...please don't forget that as you read this.



April, bullied for her weight



With all these horrible incidents of suicide, related to bullying, coming up in the media. Incidents that have been happening for awhile, it's hard to watch all the politics involved. I get so frustrated listening to the left and right sides of the story.

Bottom line, our kids need protected, and if we can put a better policy into effect to help our teaching staff do so, then we should all be for it 110%

After listening to Anderson Cooper's Interview with Candi Cushman, I am even more upset! Focus on the Family is a great organization, I get it, but it's so idealistic vs. realistic. No, I don't think we should be teaching kindergartners the in's and out's of being a homosexual family. But in the same breath I don't want sexual education teaching all the in's and out's of heterosexuality! But I do think by learning tolerance at a young age it helps us keep an open mind as we grow up.

Phoebe, bullied for accused
sexual activity and race

Think about racial issues of the past. Most people our age have no issue interacting with people of other races. People a generation ago, raised with and taught racial biased, have a much harder time adjusting. It's the same thing. You don't have to agree with homosexuality to be a respectful person. It's not your problem is it? A man marrying a man today is not so much different than an African American marrying a Caucasian 20 years ago. It's not your life, leave it alone.

It makes me sad to see all these young lives cut short. Wasn't it hard enough being in junior high without all this crap? And who knows if all these kids that took their own lives were actually homosexual? How many times have you heard, or even said, "Quit being gay," knowing fully that the person you were talking to was straight? How many of these boys were just late bloomers, had that young, feminine look? And were not strong enough to handle the pressures and stigma of being accused of a lifestyle that is still too taboo to deal with in public?

Saying , "Bullying is Bad," isn't working, we need to change that. There are so many ways kids are picked on, have been picked on, bullies have been around since public school started. Yes we should encourage all bullying to stop, but if studies prove that by naming the problem it helps, then by all means, NAME IT! Overweight kids, short kids, tall kids, homosexual kids. ALL OF THEM NEED PROTECTION. I know that when the sexual harassment laws were passed for work, having a name, something to talk about, helped the victims, and shut up the offenders. If you know for a fact that you are not supposed to do something, specifically, you are less likely to offend. If you know that you aren't supposed to tell explicit nasty jokes in the work place, you will probably think twice about the company you are with before you do it, correct? So kids, who do like rules, will probably think about their wording more if they aren't allowed to say "gay" and "faggot." And the kids being called such names will have a defense when they go to a teacher, counselor or parent.

Jared, bullied for his size.

Another thing that irritates me about this whole thing is that the Focus on the Family side wants to say homosexuals are pushing their "agenda." First of all, I wasn't aware that there was a movement to make everyone homosexual. Do they have a recruitment office or something? Are they giving out cookies? Being open-minded and asking for equal rights has been going on for as long as I can remember, regardless of the issue at hand. Second of all, what about the religious agenda? What about freedom of religion? If we can't push one agenda how can we push another? How does that work? In the clip at the bottom of this blog, Candi Cushman says that they believe "all children are created in God's image." Ok, that's fine, I agree with that, but does everyone in the nation believe that? So if not everyone believes that homosexuality is 'ok' or Christian, well how can we assume everyone in the nation believes in the Christian God?

I wish we could just go back to the Declaration of Independence, remember those words?

"We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

In closing, before you judge ANYONE, or any policy, think about how this declaration applies to you, and how you would feel if any of your unalienable Rights, were taken away.

* Pictures featured in this blog are of kids who took their own lives because of depression and bullying. Please note that it is far more reaching than just sexual orientation.

Anderson Cooper's Interview on CNN

Sarah Silverman's Message to America on what we teach our kids.

***Public school is not your only option, if you greatly disagree to the new anti-bullying and the teaching of tolerance to all individuals and lifestyles, there are numerous Christian schools, and of course, Home School.***

Love Is a Finicky Thing...

...to a lot of people anyway. Ok so I know I just decided to take a break from dating, and this is NOT about me deciding to stray from that plan. I'm very happy now that I made my decision, and the decision to stick with it!


However, I get to sit back and watch people make the same mistakes over and over again. And yet every time they start, they think it's the best thing in the world. I guess that's the great thing about "love" or lust I think is more appropriate at that stage. So for a week it will be posts about how wonderful and amazing life is, and then in a month it will be crap.

I've always been someone who takes some time, usually a lot of time, to say those three little words. Maybe this is because I've been on the receiving end - too early - too many times. And it makes me uncomfortable. There are few people that I say "I love you" to. And to those people, I say it often, because I really do love them! I have to admit that the last relationship, I said it early, way early, and I should have known better, I hadn't even gotten to know this person and here I was saying those committing words. That right there should be a warning - if by saying those words I feel committed, and worried about it, then I definitely shouldn't be saying it!

The other side of the story is - Those who fall in and out of love so easily, tend to base their whole world on the status of their numerous relationships. Every time I have decided to be single I have been happy, with myself. And I think this is HUGE for anyone! How can you love another if you can't stand to be alone with yourself?

I'm sure I sound all high and mighty about relationships, and some might take this as my jealousy towards those in happy unions. But that's not it at all. I just see what I have been doing, but through others actions and it makes me more confident that this is the best decision for me right now.

I wish I could tell some of these people these things without getting criticism or defense, but I can't, so I will empty my thoughts here. I guess it's the hardest for me to see friends jump from one relationship, directly to another without a minute to breathe. I did this, and I at least had a couple months in between - still I feel like I just JUMPED and rebounded, over and over again. And there is a couple of friends with kids in the mix. I still feel horrible for the two people I got my kids close to. I feel so guilty for doing that too them. Divorce was hard enough but letting more people into their lives for me to just decide that it wasn't right? Wrong Mom! You should have figured it out BEFORE your kids got used to seeing these people on a daily basis!

And I know that I didn't feel this guilt until the relationships were over, or almost over, and I realized what I did again. And I know that these people don't see it now, but it's happening. Those little hearts are getting attached to the one you are with, and when you break up, they will have no concept of why or how. And you are going to be left explaining why that person isn't around, and won't be around anymore. I know, because I answer these questions often.

I'm happy that right now I am in control of my happiness and my destination - and I know that no matter what I will remain in control. As long as I stay with this ideal, I will remain strong, and healthy, relationship or not. I will not be brought down because someone is in a bad mood. I will determine how I feel, based on HOW I FEEL, not someone else!

I wish I could spread that to more people - by example I guess. Maybe we are all separate halves of a whole - looking to be complete. But I want my half to be as whole and stable as possible before I attach it to someone else!

Winter Blues Already?

Or am I just contemplating my situation? Probably more of the latter. All I know is I really wish I could see the future and know that all of this is somehow going to be just fine, and just what I needed.



Lately I've even been going all the way back, like 18 months, seems like longer I swear! And thinking about my divorce and decision to separate. What could I have done different? What could have changed to make everything perfect now? I'm not going to answer those questions, because, frankly, it doesn't matter. I can't turn back the clock and re-do anything.


Maybe things could have been fixed, even during the separation, but it takes both parties and well, there wasn't much motivation or trying on either end. I was convinced this was best for me, and I have to remember that. I spent many days, weeks, months before I made that choice, and when I did I was very sure that the overall happiness, healthiness, and well being, of myself and my children was dependent on that. And he was remarried less than a year after separation and less than 3 weeks after the actual divorce, so yeah.


I guess it's just that I'm stuck in that awkward dilemma of doubting myself. And doing it a year later doesn't help anything at all. If I would have done things differently with Tim I may not have been in this extra difficult situation. May not? Ok we all know it wouldn't have happened, or maybe it would? Maybe this baby is meant to be? I guess I have to think that it is, because otherwise I might get drug down in the muck of doubt and insecurity, and I really don't want to be there.


The facts are, no matter what decision I made there was another party that could have made a difference. That could have changed the way things are right now. I take a lot of blame for both. And unfortunately, at this point, I'm having a hard time placing any blame on the other two. This is not healthy and only going to make the long winter seasons harder if I don't get over it.


I know, at least with the divorce decision, most of it comes from having to deal with, what most split parents deal with. Kids maturing, asking questions and putting words to what happened. I haven't "hid" anything from my kids. Obviously I haven't told them anything that is above their understanding. But Tattem is starting to talk, and she's starting to call her step-mom Mama. It was hard to get a picture from her class today that labeled me as Mama: Rochelle, and even harder to see the note on the back that read "didn't draw Daddy because Mommy broke up with him". She has told me before that "it's ok to call Stephanie 'mama', and I don't really know what to say to it. She has two stepsisters saying 'Mom' and it's a natural word for her to use. I don't get mad at her, and I don't tell her I'm sad. I just mention that Stephanie is her Step Mother and I will always be her real mother. Sometimes I'm able to look at the positive, and think that she is lucky to have two moms, and I say this much to her almost every time. But right now, I'm just, well sad.


It didn't help that after dropping Tate off at her class we saw a little boy that is in her class, as well as her Church class, and he asked me "Why did you break up with that guy?" I guess it's hard to hear it put so much as what I did. It wasn't just me. I didn't just "break up" with their father. He had a big hand in the decision I made, and he knows this, right? And if he doesn't, I would assume he was over it, since he's remarried and all.


I don't know what else to do but write right now. It helps, and I'm going to reach out to my doctor, I know I'm in a position for depression, with the pregnancy hormones and all, so I'm going to be cautious.


I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed emotionally, and physically. Not to mention the daunting task of having another kid, while the father is wherever he is. Not feeling so smart at the moment.


This isn't for pity, if anything it's for me to read and tell myself to 'buck up,' 'get over it and do something about it'. But it really does help. Thanks for listening.

Being Right, kind of sucks.

Most of you know my unique situation, and if you read the previous blog you know I owned up to my part of my condition - my part, being all of it. Anyway, the other half the situation and I are well, taking a break. At least that's what I thought.

Taking a break to me, well I had hoped he would try to convince me that he was either going to change, or that he loves me, like he says. Or make SOME effort to keep in touch. I mean I am carrying his child. But no, my predictions came true.

He went right back to where I thought he would, and doing what I suspect he's doing. Not more than one phone call to retrieve his things and ten minutes here while getting his things. I'm sad, but at the same time, it makes my decision a lot easier to stick too. With no fight, no guilt, no, well anything, I can't really argue with my actions at all. I guess it is for the better.

I just feel like I'm always the one breaking things off, and well, it still hurts, it's still not any fun. But it makes it worse when the other person rolls over and says "Okay" I guess it wasn't much to them either.

Here I am, sitting at my computer. More confident in my decision to stay single. Focusing on the important relationships in my lives and working on having healthier friendships, with healthier people.

My kids are a wonderful distraction, and watching them grow and mature, and prove me wrong, it's a joy and a blessing, and a challenge every day. It makes it so much more plausible to leave another extra person out of my life. I hardly have enough time in a week to do what I want to do.

I'm getting Tattem involved in some of my hobbies, as she is finally old enough to do so. Tonight we are going to learn how to use a sewing machine. Tristin is going to have full days with JUST MOM time and I'm so excited about that. We are going to bake cookies and play games and do all of these great activities I was given to do with him. It will be great for our relationship. And all this while Tattem embarks on a whole new phase of life, School...

It's crazy to think that 5 years have passed since I held her in my arms for the first time, and thinking about it now will get me all teary eyed. She is an amazing individual, beautiful inside and out. I'm excited to see how she turns out, and to be a part of it.



So even if I started in a negative tone, as much of my thoughts usually end with my kids, it is always a positive ending.

Actions and Consequences

Every action, every step we take has reaction, a consequence. Sometimes we wonder through life unaware of how our decisions today will affect our outcomes tomorrow. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a chose your own adventure book, but with this version I don't have the option to do it over and over again until I get the desired outcome.


Really think about it, every single day we make a million decisions, some minor, some major, and most go unnoticed. And even if you notice them, well sometimes they aren't thought through too well.

I have become a victim of myself, again. Which I find almost amusing. I tend to over analyze, over think every single decision. I go through a list of consequences, pros and cons and weigh it out. However, lately, not so much.

I know exactly what happens when you do certain things with the opposite sex with no protection or birth control. Yet I did it anyway. And here I sit, 12 weeks pregnant. I thought that person was perfect, silly me, no one is perfect! I should have known that too. And now 12 weeks pregnant and 12 weeks into a brand new relationship I'm realizing that maybe we don't have as much in common as I thought, and maybe we really aren't compatible. Not a problem for most 12 week relationships, it's just that this one is accompanied with a new life. Still, I'm not going to force something to happen that isn't going to work. It won't be good for me, or him, or the baby, or my kids living with us now! However that brings me to my next point...

I'm starting to feel like maybe I really truly want to be alone, self reliant, completely in control of my world. It's a safe place, I don't have to think about another person's actions and how they will affect my daily life. Even now, in the situation I am in, I feel like it could be actually easier on my own. Does that make sense? I mean really, how could having a newborn, alone, be easier than with a co-parent? It's really pretty logical. If I am on my own, well no one is there to let me down, I have no expectations for help.

Funny how this all made a lot of logical sense to me before I put it in writing. Then I see how sad it looks. I'm kind of sad now that I've gotten to that point where I would rather not count on anyone than have someone to count on only to be disappointed.

I should have done this last year, but I'm taking a year off. No dating, no romantic escapades. Should be pretty easy I mean really, pregnant with 2 small children isn't a highly requested item on the dating menu. But honestly it's for me and my kids. I feel like I'm headed down a road that is only going to cause us all more heartache if I don't stop the car and turn around right now. Better late than never to learn a lesson right?

For ME I'm doing alright. I realize I could have used my head a little more than my hormones, and even better used one of the many available contraceptives on the market, or even a morning after pill. But I didn't and that is NOT the baby's fault! I will not blame this child, I will love it just as much as I love my other two wonderful babies. It will have a happy, healthy home with a happy, healthy mommy. And Mommy needs to work on that first and foremost. If I'm not concerned with finding that perfect someone, or trying to make someone else fit a mold to what I think I want, I have more time to spend on myself, and if I spend a little more time on myself, I'm going to be an even better mother.

I'm still sad, sad that everything isn't happily ever after, but you know what? I'm going to be 30 soon, and I should know by now that Cinderella isn't a real person.

I have a great support base of caring friends and loving family. We will be ok as our little family grows. My kids are amazing and doing well with everything their little lives have been through in the last year. I'm grateful for their strong souls and hopeful for a happy new year as I trudge down this new path to self healing and discovery.

Cause and Effects...

Since I quit smoking - going on a whole three weeks - I've made a lot of consequent small changes in my life and in my frame of thinking. I realize that 3 weeks is not a long time to quit something like smoking. But I hadn't smoked in almost 8 years, and I only smoked a little over a pack a week for about a year. And if there is one thing I know about myself, when I finally make a decision I stick to it. Most of the time out of sheer stubbornness, but hey it works! (As long as it's a smart decision!) When I quit smoking, I also quit going out to the bar. Which is something I had wanted to quit doing anyway. For one, it gets very old, very quickly. There are the same people out every weekend, doing the same stupid, drunk things, and getting involved in the same stupid, drunk drama.

I was already beyond tired of that. But I also know that if I go to the bar there are many people there that would probably offer me a cigarette, and knowing me, I would probably take it. Even if I wouldn't, why put myself to that kind of test right now? SO - No Smoking has almost equaled No Drinking. At least less drinking and in healthier environments!

The no smoking has also made me WANT to be home more. I was avoiding this place on the weekends, dreading the quiet and the calm. Strange right? During the week it's all I can think about...quiet...calm...clean. But on the weekends I'm all alone and for a long time that was really hard for me to handle. Now, not so much. I actually enjoy it.

Which I think learning to enjoy being by myself has helped in a lot of small ways, ways I don't really notice. But I think my confidence is definitely stronger. My sense of personal happiness and inner peace is much stronger. I find myself completely avoiding dramatic situations and trying to keep as far away from trouble as possible. But I also think it shows to others, probably more than I can even comprehend. Someone told me that they were glad I was happy. I said "I am happy, thank you" and they told me that I just LOOK happy. Which is great! I want to look happy! I am happy!

Many people who have known me for awhile have noticed I've lost quite a bit of weight over the past year. I'm glad they notice, I guess. It's not that I tried to lose the weight, and I haven't really made any huge diet changes, and the kick off was a divorce that forced my appetite to nothing. Yes, now, physically I feel better, and mentally I feel better about myself. BUT to be told, "you look happy," vs. "you look skinny," is so much better! At least for me, because I put a lot more effort into being a happier person than I ever did into being a skinnier one. And I think that a happier person who is overweight is still a million times better than a miserable person that "looks great".

So the effects....well there are a lot already mentioned. With the action of quitting smoking, I'm now getting to be stronger and happier on my own. But with that, people are suddenly well, noticing me. Strange isn't it? I've always heard, and tried to believe that you have to love yourself first, before you can love someone else, right? Well it seems if you find self love, others notice and are attracted to it. Not always in the romantic sense, but I've made more friends since I've become friends with myself.  I've added a clip of my personal motivational speaker, hopefully he can help you too! :)

Myself confidence is growing by leaps and bounds. I'm comfortable with myself, in my skin, and happy. I'm ready to make more friends..and even those of the opposite sex. The difference now from 10 years ago? I wanted to meet someone to fall madly in love with and have the perfect marriage and perfect family. Right now, I want a friend, a companion. And I couldn't really see being good friends with a man. Maybe I'm backwards, but I'm going to say its maturity. I have a close family, I have my kids, right now I just want healthy people in my life that I can share some good times with. THAT is my only goal. I'm not trying to make friends for the possibility of more. Honestly.

It's kind of funny though because if I talk to a girlfriend and I mention talking to someone of the opposite sex it instantly goes to "Do you like him?" Well obviously, I talked to him! But the same goes for you! Girl or guy, if I don't LIKE you I'm probably not going to hang out with you. Period. Right?

So this is how I feel about 95%, yes there is that other part that still craves the companionship of a partner. And apparently this part of me prefers to do its analyzing and thinking at about 3 am. Who, what, where, what did that mean? When will this happen? If this happens, then... and so on and so forth. It is very annoying. It's like I have this high school cheerleader stuck in my head and my logical self is so annoyed by the time we get up in the morning. Seriously, shut up and just live your life, you don't have to ask questions about every single thing, it's not that important. It happened, you had fun. Why question it? And who knows what's going to happen tomorrow? None of us! So quit worrying about it, good or bad!

So the cause? Obvious I hope, the effect? No sleep. Oh well. I'll eventually get that cheerleader duct taped and put back in the closet where she belongs :)

By the way - I'm happy. I have less of a "life" than I have had in months and I couldn't be happier with the way that's working out right now! Even if it means more video games.... Don't judge me!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

And for those of you who can use it, a little motivation....

 

Mother's Day

When you are very young Mother's Day is almost like a birthday.  Yeah Mom! Here's a card and on your way. And that's only if someone told you it was, in fact, Mother's Day.  Then as you reached your teens to early twenties, it was easy to forget it.  Last minute phone call home, but hopefully you don't have to talk too long. It's when you join that exclusive Parenting category that you really start to appreciate what you had as a kid.

I've found that I as I get older and gain more experience in the "Mothering" category, I respect and appreciate my mom and ALL mom's a lot more. 

As a teen it was easy to blame everything on my mom, she never did anything right. So I thought.  Looking back now, every day is faced with so many decisions, from the minor to the major.  How can we ever be sure we are making the right one?  We can't, and either could our moms!  If anyone should be granted use of a crystal ball it should be us moms!  Then at least when we had to make the difficult decisions we could be SURE that it was for the better.

I love my mom.  I've been really close to my mom for all of my adult life. I don't remember being this close to her as a teen or before that. Not sure if that's due to my memories or the fact that it just so much stronger of a bond now than it was back then.  Whatever it is, I'm glad to call her my best friend now.  We talk on a daily basis, at least.  Then I usually see her almost daily too.  We are, FRIENDS, she is my mom, she always will have that mothering instinct over me.  She will be there to offer advice and help whenever she possibly can, and oftentimes when she really can't.  She means the world to me.  She is a wonderfully, loving grandma to my children, and that makes me love her even more.  It's hard to compete with a Mother's Love, but as a grandma, she's right there too. 

More than anything, my mom is strong. Yes I had  two parents growing up, but the stability always came from mom.  The unconditional love was from mom.  The CONSISTENT love came from mom.  You always knew what you were going to get from her. If you did something wrong, you were likely to get disappointment, if you did something great, you were guaranteed praise.  "I love you," was a phrase used often in our home, and used at every parting now.  Even if it's the 3rd phone call of the day.

My mom is amazing.  I want to be just like her when I grow up :)


Remember your Moms today.  And your grandmas, they had to make the hard decisions for your parents, and a part of who you are today as much as anyone else.  Think of the Moms that have lost their children, think of the moms who's babies are still in the womb, and the huge adventure they are about to take on.  Think the the moms at heart that can't have their own, think of the even stronger ones who have taken in a child not of their flesh, and bonded with them like they were there own.  Think of the step moms and be thankful if your children have one that loves them.

Think of the Moms you have lost and how much you loved them.  Be happy with your memories, where ever they are they love you and miss you more than you can ever comprehend.

Most of all just be grateful that the person you call mom, made the ultimate life sacrifice to love and care for you. And if she's anything like my mom, it didn't end when I moved out!


I LOVE YOU MOM!!!

Life Lessons from the Wizard...

...of Oz that is. I was singing to the kids, one of the usual requests, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow," much better by Judy than myself. But the kids like it.


As I was singing it I was lost thinking about how nice it would be to follow the blue birds over the rainbow, to that wonderful place where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops...

Then as my mind usually does, I wandered to the movie. Where Dorothy really wished she could escape her problems, hers are quite minor when compared to adult life. Chores, crazy ladies on bikes, compared to you know, divorce, new families, parenting plans, debt. Anyway the wish she made was granted. She flew over the rainbow to the land of her dreams. Lemon Drops and munchkins toting lollipops. But it wasn't all sugar flowers and golden walkways. It was way worse than everyday life. Wicked witches, flying monkeys...who wants that?

So if Dorothy's simplistic teenage problems were countered with death defying acts of melting witches with water, well what would I be countered with if my wish to fly amongst the blue birds came true?

If I could escape my problems of today, my worries, my fears, my heartaches. What would I get in return? I don't even want to think about that. I don't think I've ever thought of the Wizard of Oz as more than a fairy tale. I don't really know why, it's a pretty obvious Moral type story. As a friend said today, and I'm sure you've heard before, "the grass isn't always greener."

Self pity and the loss of self worth is a horrible place to be. I'm sad that I was feeling so strong less than a week ago, heck a few days ago. And today and yesterday I was hit with facts and insults that shook me to the core. Words, mean words, from another person. A person that has made decisions they think are better than mine because, why? I'm still not sure.

I have made mistakes, I mentioned them in my first entry. I fixed the situation the best I could. I remedied the situation as fast I was able to, and now it's done. I have a good stable home for my kids. I'm not perfect, I will never be perfect. If I was what would be the point in living anymore? If you have nothing to improve on you have nothing to hope for, no goals to achieve.

So although the lullaby is very inviting, and if I could truly fly over the rainbow and guarantee everything would be right as rain, well yeah I would think about it. But right now I'm going to pull myself up, out of this negative thinking. I read somewhere ... maybe another friends comments? Anyway No matter what you do as a parent you will always be able to look back and wish you did something differently. Guilt. It's what we carry as parents. So I will do the best I can and keep trying to improve, it's all I can do. It's the best I can do.

Besides that, if I could have all my wishes made true, would I even appreciate them? I will be stronger for what I endure. I will be grateful for the earnings I receive. I will be proud of who I am and what I have become. I will cherish the two perfect lives I have been given the honor of protecting. And I will not let anyone, even myself, get in the way of their happiness and well being.

So take a lesson from the Wizard, Rainbows and Lollipops sound great in theory but life is what it is, and it's never any greener over there than it already is here. Work through it, be strong, and you will be rewarded in the end.



And in case you need a refresher on the song, here is one of my favorite versions by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole...

Disrespect.

Why do we, as humans, lie? I know we don't ALL do it, or do it ALL the time. But why? Even the white lies, to our friends, family, KIDS. I've done it, made up a different excuse to not do something with someone, when I could have told them the truth but I wanted to spare their feelings. Who do I think I am? Making that decision for them? Maybe they wouldn't have even cared, maybe they would have and made a decision, based on mine, whether they wanted me in their lives anymore. It's not my place to adjust their view to control their thinking. That's what we are doing when we lie. We don't think that the other person is smart enough, or capable of making a decision on how they feel about us. Or we are too afraid that we might lose that friend because of our decisions. Which, if we really fear that, maybe we should rethink the reason we are lying, not the lie.



Disrespect, that's the only thing we do with a lie. Create it and give it away. Even white lies. Either we are ashamed of who we are, or afraid that the person we are lying to won't like the real person behind the one we have portrayed.


I feel pretty lucky that right now, in my life, I have people that I can honestly say know me, the real me. I don't talk to any one right now that I feel the need to lie to. I like that feeling. And, as far as I know, my friends and family aren't lying to me. Well most of them! I guess that's why the news I got this weekend hurt so much. I was lied to, big time. And the lying, more than anything, pissed me off.


The feeling of disrespect was so strong all I could do was be angry, and cry. Which pissed me off too, because for some reason I hate to cry. Especially to cry about someone that doesn't think enough of me to tell me the truth, when asked blatantly. Wasting tears, and energy. I hate that!


So I guess mainly this is about respecting those you really care about. And even those you don't. We are humans, we have to live together in this great big messed up world. And without respect what would we be? Really. Every relationship we have with someone it comes down to respect. It's hard to love someone who doesn't respect us, or vice versa. I mean this goes as deep as parent-child relationships. Yes, as a small child we have unconditional love for our parents, but as we get older, without the giving and receiving of respect it's very hard to keep that deep bond. Children who don't receive respect are the ones that don't give it, we forget how very much we teach our kids. How much the way we treat them will affect all of their future relationships.


And just as much as disrespect makes it hard to have relationships; it's amazing how much you can care for someone you have mutual respect for. Granted, there are people that I don't really get along with, but share great respect for. And there are a few people in my life that I have absolutely no respect for, but still feel for. Although most of that feeling is pity, not one anyone really wants to be on the receiving end of.


So, friends, what I am wanting to get at is making respect a focus of your day. Respecting that person in the car in front of you. Or that customer that is being a tad bit rude. Respecting your kids by telling them WHY they can't do something, in terms appropriate for them, obviously. Respect your friends, and tell them the real reason you can't come over, or don't want to. And really, I think you will find yourself thinking about your alternative actions a little bit more. I mean if you are continually making excuses to not hang out with a friend, are you really friends anyway?


Just some thoughts. Lies hurt, deception is never a good thing. Respect yourself integrity but respecting those you interact with, and love.

Self vs. Public Image

It's easy to see the drama when you just lurk around the Facebook and Myspace pages, or walk the streets of a small town. I see so many people get caught up in what others are saying and doing. I've been there, so I won't judge too harshly, just now that I'm not "in it" it's easy to see where they get stuck.



I had a dream last night, and it was mostly like a soundtrack more than the whole movie. There is a song out, kind of popular at the moment, I'll post the video at the end of this blog. It's called "According to You", by Orianthi. Ok so, yeah ok song at first, lyric wise, she is comparing how someone who doesn't matter thinks of her, to the way someone she likes thinks of her. Why did this song make me mad? I mean if the first person doesn't matter, then quit wasting time and energy worrying about what they said or thought about you. And really who is this second person, and why is their opinion so important? What about YOU? According to YOU what do you think about yourself?


Yes, I'm pretty much fantastic. I'm a caring person, I have a good sense of humor, I'm a great mom, I'm a responsible adult with a realistic, yet optimistic, view of my future. I have goals and I budget well. Plus I'm pretty darn sexy.


How come we can't say that seriously? Why is it so hard to have our own self-affirmations, our own sense of pride in who we are and what we have become? I mean there is always a point of moderation, I may honestly believe those things I said about myself, but that doesn't mean I go announcing it all the time. To do so would be asking for someone to agree or disagree, and since I do believe it, it shouldn't really matter. Yes it's great to hear nice things about yourself, but you know what? If you really truly believe you are a good person, you are a funny person, or a smart person, people will notice. And when you don't have to take the time to tell everyone how wonderful you are, people, great people, don't mind telling you that they think so too.


And please don't misunderstand me, by saying I think I'm all of the above, which I do; I do not think of myself as better than anyone, there is always room for improvement. I just feel that I'm above those situations, the drama, the ugly, the angry. And as I write this, I make it sound like I never worry about other people, or never get into the drama of it all.  It's always a constant struggle, we are humans, we naturally want to hear affirmation and be loved.  I'm just making a concious effort to work on the image I have of myself, and its really helping me deal with all the others out there judging me.


I guess I just wish more people could count on themselves, get some confidence and realize if there are people in your life giving you negativity and drama, it's simply not worth it. So much energy is wasted being angry at that person, or hurt, or resentful. Think of all the wonderful things you can do, for yourself, with all that energy! Or take it and pour it into someone you really care about, and cares for you!

Just recently it has all "clicked" for me. I am who matters most, and what I can control. I can't be worried all the time of someone disliking me, and believe me that's hard. It's ingrained, my mom and I both have issues with being accepted and loved by all. It's just a very unrealistic goal and only sets you up for disappointment and failure. So I quit. If you don't like me, well I would like to apologize if I did something hurtful or try to work it out, honestly I would. But if you really dislike me, then I guess I'll deal with it and move on. It's not worth either of our time fighting about why you should like me, but you probably should anyway - that's a joke by the way -



I kind of started rambling but my moral is - Love yourself First!!!!! Once you can obtain this, you get a self confidence that is hard to compete with. It makes everything easier! When you set higher standards for yourself you end up with better friends and richer relationships, with people that are worth caring about. People that will love you like you do! (or at least close to it)