Cause and Effects...

Since I quit smoking - going on a whole three weeks - I've made a lot of consequent small changes in my life and in my frame of thinking. I realize that 3 weeks is not a long time to quit something like smoking. But I hadn't smoked in almost 8 years, and I only smoked a little over a pack a week for about a year. And if there is one thing I know about myself, when I finally make a decision I stick to it. Most of the time out of sheer stubbornness, but hey it works! (As long as it's a smart decision!) When I quit smoking, I also quit going out to the bar. Which is something I had wanted to quit doing anyway. For one, it gets very old, very quickly. There are the same people out every weekend, doing the same stupid, drunk things, and getting involved in the same stupid, drunk drama.

I was already beyond tired of that. But I also know that if I go to the bar there are many people there that would probably offer me a cigarette, and knowing me, I would probably take it. Even if I wouldn't, why put myself to that kind of test right now? SO - No Smoking has almost equaled No Drinking. At least less drinking and in healthier environments!

The no smoking has also made me WANT to be home more. I was avoiding this place on the weekends, dreading the quiet and the calm. Strange right? During the week it's all I can think about...quiet...calm...clean. But on the weekends I'm all alone and for a long time that was really hard for me to handle. Now, not so much. I actually enjoy it.

Which I think learning to enjoy being by myself has helped in a lot of small ways, ways I don't really notice. But I think my confidence is definitely stronger. My sense of personal happiness and inner peace is much stronger. I find myself completely avoiding dramatic situations and trying to keep as far away from trouble as possible. But I also think it shows to others, probably more than I can even comprehend. Someone told me that they were glad I was happy. I said "I am happy, thank you" and they told me that I just LOOK happy. Which is great! I want to look happy! I am happy!

Many people who have known me for awhile have noticed I've lost quite a bit of weight over the past year. I'm glad they notice, I guess. It's not that I tried to lose the weight, and I haven't really made any huge diet changes, and the kick off was a divorce that forced my appetite to nothing. Yes, now, physically I feel better, and mentally I feel better about myself. BUT to be told, "you look happy," vs. "you look skinny," is so much better! At least for me, because I put a lot more effort into being a happier person than I ever did into being a skinnier one. And I think that a happier person who is overweight is still a million times better than a miserable person that "looks great".

So the effects....well there are a lot already mentioned. With the action of quitting smoking, I'm now getting to be stronger and happier on my own. But with that, people are suddenly well, noticing me. Strange isn't it? I've always heard, and tried to believe that you have to love yourself first, before you can love someone else, right? Well it seems if you find self love, others notice and are attracted to it. Not always in the romantic sense, but I've made more friends since I've become friends with myself.  I've added a clip of my personal motivational speaker, hopefully he can help you too! :)

Myself confidence is growing by leaps and bounds. I'm comfortable with myself, in my skin, and happy. I'm ready to make more friends..and even those of the opposite sex. The difference now from 10 years ago? I wanted to meet someone to fall madly in love with and have the perfect marriage and perfect family. Right now, I want a friend, a companion. And I couldn't really see being good friends with a man. Maybe I'm backwards, but I'm going to say its maturity. I have a close family, I have my kids, right now I just want healthy people in my life that I can share some good times with. THAT is my only goal. I'm not trying to make friends for the possibility of more. Honestly.

It's kind of funny though because if I talk to a girlfriend and I mention talking to someone of the opposite sex it instantly goes to "Do you like him?" Well obviously, I talked to him! But the same goes for you! Girl or guy, if I don't LIKE you I'm probably not going to hang out with you. Period. Right?

So this is how I feel about 95%, yes there is that other part that still craves the companionship of a partner. And apparently this part of me prefers to do its analyzing and thinking at about 3 am. Who, what, where, what did that mean? When will this happen? If this happens, then... and so on and so forth. It is very annoying. It's like I have this high school cheerleader stuck in my head and my logical self is so annoyed by the time we get up in the morning. Seriously, shut up and just live your life, you don't have to ask questions about every single thing, it's not that important. It happened, you had fun. Why question it? And who knows what's going to happen tomorrow? None of us! So quit worrying about it, good or bad!

So the cause? Obvious I hope, the effect? No sleep. Oh well. I'll eventually get that cheerleader duct taped and put back in the closet where she belongs :)

By the way - I'm happy. I have less of a "life" than I have had in months and I couldn't be happier with the way that's working out right now! Even if it means more video games.... Don't judge me!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

And for those of you who can use it, a little motivation....

 

Mother's Day

When you are very young Mother's Day is almost like a birthday.  Yeah Mom! Here's a card and on your way. And that's only if someone told you it was, in fact, Mother's Day.  Then as you reached your teens to early twenties, it was easy to forget it.  Last minute phone call home, but hopefully you don't have to talk too long. It's when you join that exclusive Parenting category that you really start to appreciate what you had as a kid.

I've found that I as I get older and gain more experience in the "Mothering" category, I respect and appreciate my mom and ALL mom's a lot more. 

As a teen it was easy to blame everything on my mom, she never did anything right. So I thought.  Looking back now, every day is faced with so many decisions, from the minor to the major.  How can we ever be sure we are making the right one?  We can't, and either could our moms!  If anyone should be granted use of a crystal ball it should be us moms!  Then at least when we had to make the difficult decisions we could be SURE that it was for the better.

I love my mom.  I've been really close to my mom for all of my adult life. I don't remember being this close to her as a teen or before that. Not sure if that's due to my memories or the fact that it just so much stronger of a bond now than it was back then.  Whatever it is, I'm glad to call her my best friend now.  We talk on a daily basis, at least.  Then I usually see her almost daily too.  We are, FRIENDS, she is my mom, she always will have that mothering instinct over me.  She will be there to offer advice and help whenever she possibly can, and oftentimes when she really can't.  She means the world to me.  She is a wonderfully, loving grandma to my children, and that makes me love her even more.  It's hard to compete with a Mother's Love, but as a grandma, she's right there too. 

More than anything, my mom is strong. Yes I had  two parents growing up, but the stability always came from mom.  The unconditional love was from mom.  The CONSISTENT love came from mom.  You always knew what you were going to get from her. If you did something wrong, you were likely to get disappointment, if you did something great, you were guaranteed praise.  "I love you," was a phrase used often in our home, and used at every parting now.  Even if it's the 3rd phone call of the day.

My mom is amazing.  I want to be just like her when I grow up :)


Remember your Moms today.  And your grandmas, they had to make the hard decisions for your parents, and a part of who you are today as much as anyone else.  Think of the Moms that have lost their children, think of the moms who's babies are still in the womb, and the huge adventure they are about to take on.  Think the the moms at heart that can't have their own, think of the even stronger ones who have taken in a child not of their flesh, and bonded with them like they were there own.  Think of the step moms and be thankful if your children have one that loves them.

Think of the Moms you have lost and how much you loved them.  Be happy with your memories, where ever they are they love you and miss you more than you can ever comprehend.

Most of all just be grateful that the person you call mom, made the ultimate life sacrifice to love and care for you. And if she's anything like my mom, it didn't end when I moved out!


I LOVE YOU MOM!!!